Angelo was sitting in the sand on top of his beach towel that he had spread out, he was burying his hands under the sand and bringing them back up to watch how the sand sifted out of his fingers. He was in Florida on vacation with his family for summer break, there was a month left until Angelo–and his siblings–had to go back to school. He didn't mind school, but he also doesn't like it, there was always too much work to do in such little time, he just hopes he doesn't get homework on the first day of school, he despises teachers who do such acts.
He started doodling in the sand with his finger, he was not about to get up and search the beach top and bottom for a dumb stick when he could use his finger. The drawing he made was of some strange battle between some alien looking creature, and… he didn't know what the other thing was…(he just decided it was another alien). He continued making doodles of them, the battle kept on. In the end they both suffered a terrible death. He rubbed the drawings away with his hands, sand filling in the indents of the drawings he had made previously with his finger.
He rose from his spot, he picked up his goggles. “Mom, I’m gonna go for a swim,” he pointed to the water as he called out to his mom. His mom wore a blue swim dress that his sister had called ‘Beautiful!’ She had a tanned complexion, which was darker from how much they were in the sun. She had green-blue eyes, and dark brown hair, she dyed it to hide strands of white hair she had from the stress of raising four children. She was attending to his baby brother–Byrson who was like a clone of his dad–who was trying to eat his sandcastle. “Oh, that’s fine honey! Just stay where dad can see you,” she replied cheerfully, a smile on her face.
“Darick!” she called out to his dad, “Angelo is going for a swim, watch him please!” his dad waved over, “Alright honey! And Gia, we're still having that talk later right!” he asked, to which mom nodded. His dad is a man with a paler complexion than his mom, if he didn't have lots of sunscreen on he would be a tomato, he was wearing blue swim trunks that matched the swim dress mom had on. He had dark brown eyes, and usually always had a clean shave but he had some pricks today, he had dirty blond hair and always had a short haircut too, it was close to a buzz but not really. At the ends of his hair there was white hair but most of it blended in, and he didn't really mind his white hair from what Angelo could tell.
Angelo strapped on his goggles and headed over to his dad, as doing so he had to step over his older sister–Jovie who was a mix of mom and dad, like Brett–who was sunbathing, he kicked some sand her way to which she did the same. He looked back quickly, Jovie had a small smile on her face before settling back again, seeing that made him smile brightly. His older brother Brett was playing soccer with some boys he made friends with, and from all the yelling that could be heard, Brett’s team was winning.
He made his way over to his dad, when they got there his dad was the first person to run to the water once they had set down their stuff. He had been swimming and collecting seashells that he kept giving to mom. Sometimes he thinks his dad forgets he’s an adult most times. Thinking now, he wonders what his dad meant by him asking mom if they were still having that talk, he’ll just listen in on them best he can from the staircase in the house.
While swimming with his dad, something caught his eye, whatever it was it was wrapped all up in seaweed. Out of curiosity, he grabbed it and rose up from the water, and started to exit the water, his dad followed.
“What's that kid?” questioned his dad, he seemed to loom over Angelo as he was now sitting in the sand. Angelo shrugged, to be honest, he didn't know what he grabbed, just that it was covered in lots of seaweed.
“Can I take it home? I wanna unwrap it there,” he kept looking at it trying to find a way to jam his finger somewhere in it and unwrap it. His dad nodded to his question, it seemed he was just as interested in the seaweed ball.
He walked over to his towel that he had laid out, his bag was next to it and he knew he had a little plastic baggie that he could put it in. He tossed it on the towel, and that seemed to cause it to begin to unravel. He disregarded the bag and started pulling the seaweed off. The seaweed smelled horrible. He got all the seaweed off. What it was had confused and shocked him.
It was a GoPro camera..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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First thing that came to mind was the formatting of your sentences. I noticed in reviews from the prologue that someone had mentioned your run on sentences. I feel those are more apparent here than in the prologue. You want to make sure that when describing people, places, and things, that you make the descriptions short and concise. It's okay to split the descriptions for something into multiple sentences. I would just recommend looking over some of your longer sentences and ask yourself a couple questions before moving on. Can I make this clearer? Are there things that I can leave out and allow the character to show these things rather than telling the audience? Showing and not telling is one thing that I feel all of us young writers struggle with. We want so badly to have the reader envision the characters exactly how we view them. The beautiful thing about allowing the reader to have these things shown to them rather than telling is the opportunity for them to put themselves in the book. It tends to keep the reader more engaged when they can put themselves in the shoes of your characters.
Hello @Z00KI3 Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
This is a very interesting first chapter! Definitely not where I was expecting things to go. The discovery of the camera is very interesting, they way the camera has been wrapped so carefully makes me think that it has been purposely disposed off (or hidden?) and this is such an interesting and significant plot point to bring in the first chapter. It brings forward so many questions, what does the camera hold? What recordings or photos?
Will this lead to our protagonist being sucking into some sort of secret service mission impossible situation? Will this some sort of conspiracy cover up? There's really a lot of places this can go which is what makes it so interesting. This can even take a sort of fantasy turn with a sort of Jumanji-esque plotline. Another thing I like is the little detail about Angelo's dad telling his mother that they need to talk. Something I feel might become very significant later, it adds great nuance to the plot. Well done!
Under the magnifying glass
First a grammar nit-pick -
Over here you seem to have shifted quite abruptly from past tense to present, so this should actually be -
One thing I do want to mention is that since this chapter is so short, it does feel a little information heavy. There is lot to take in, from detailed descriptions of the characters to all their names. One thing I would suggest is either lengthening the chapter by slowing the pace a little and adding more description, or reducing the details a little. I understand the need to add details to give a clear picture for the reader but when it becomes too much in a very short length it can become overwhelming.
Closing the case
Overall, this was a very interesting first chapter! And I'm very intrigued to see where all this goes.
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—Brother Cadfael, “The Morbid Taste of Dying,” by Edith Pargeter
Not to proud of the ending that much, it's a bit rushed