Published June 28, 2011
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138,597 Literary Works • 672,176 Reviews
Can't really find much to critique about this, so I'll just tell you that I thought this was really good!
I thought the tense you used was the best part, it really itnrigued me as well as got into my head and placed really interesting mental images there.Also, I loved the overall plot and the inconclusive ending was clever; sometimes I think it's best to leave determining what happened to the reader, allowing them to make assumptions etc . . .
So,keep up the good work!
Yuri, Mommy's here!
... except, he has no idea when he passed out, so how can he know that his battery will die?So sorry it took me so long. But I'm here now!
The way you phrase it, it sounds like the creak comes from behind him, not from within him. Maybe you could say that his back cracked or snapped to avoid any confusion.
From where does he see the moon? He's inside a closed ceiling, right? And the Big Ben is there. So, how can he see the moon? I just looked up pictures, and I couldn't see anywhere obvious to the naked eye. Maybe the clock is illuminated from the inside then?
If it's freshly bought, why is it covered with dust and cobweb?
Ok, he wakes up, doesn't remember what he's doing there and why he's there. His helmet managed to stay on while he was passed out? I highly doubt it. He can't find a way down, but he's not surprised to be in the Big Ben. So why is he not finding the way out, and why isn't he panicking more?
I would cut out this part, because it doesn't help the story unless you've seen the movie. Because I haven't, I have no idea what you're trying to 'show' us here.
Why is he bothering with his watch right now? He definitely has bigger problems than a broken watch.
I would change the words in bold to 'a headache is coming along'. It sounds better
Well, I'm pretty sure his head is quite real. Maybe cut out 'imaginary'?
Ok. A few things here. First off, if he's a construction worker, he should be wearing steel-cap boots. If he is, there shouldn't have been so much pain involved, at the most, a slight discomfort. That being said, why in the name of all that is holy, would he be rubbing his boot, and not taking it off to rub his foot?
Ok now! Done with the review! This was quite interesting, daughter, and I think you've pulled off the second person quite nicely. That being said, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm intrigued and I want to know more. What was he doing up there, was he in a dream? If not, how drunk was he, and why was he left there?
I'm not sure whether I really really like this, or am disappointed about the way it ends. It seems like you're building up to a fantastic ending with a great bang, only to have him kick the stove repeatedly. Instead of looking for a way out. Or a way down. Or wondering how he got there in the first place. So, yes, I really enjoy it but I'M not sure whether I like the ending or not yet. You brought mystery in this piece, but maybe just a little too much.
Hope this helped, daughter!!
Mom
Hello Yuriiko, I'm here as requested.
I'm not sure I understand the part in red. Are you talking about the Big Ben in London?
the you mumble shouldn't be in italic.
I really like the POV, because it's so different then what we're used too. I think it's like the second story I read in second point of view.
I like the mystery around it too. Since he doesn't really know how he got there, and all. It's a really interesting story, and I'm glad I read it.
I'm sorry for the short review... I wish I could've helped more.
-Other One
Hello there =] Here to review as requested! I didn't see anything majorly wrong with it, but there are a few grammatical errors. I really liked that you did this from a different POV instead of going for the "The construction work paced the floor. The construction worker kicked the stove." It's refreshing =]
The one thing I might work on a bit is this. It took a little bit to figure out what exactly your main character was. I mean, the second I saw the prompt I was like. Duh. But it took a little bit, maybe even a little too much?
But anyway, I really liked the eeriness of something so normal. A construction worker, beyond normal, and then being stuck in a giant clock tower. It's just creepy!
Really well done overall =] Just a few little grammatical things and you should be good as gold =]
Thank you Wayward. I'll be taking your suggestion into consideration. However, I have intended the ending to be hanging. So I have you understand. And with your help, I have added some story background.
While the tense is smart, and the setting is intriguing, I fail to see what just happened. Clearly this story has some background knowledge with it, but some people lack that background knowledge. I'm not sure what this story was about, other than a pshyc thriller, a maintnence worker suck on the clocktower. Is he stuck up there, and that's the eerie end? Perhaps some elaboration might be needed, a continuance of the same story. Flashbacks, perhaps? Details that seem innocent at first? A melodramatic end? You're the writer, you know what's best,