Mama told me to sleep as she stood up from the bed. Then a creak sound escaped, like a relief sigh that it was happy from the weight reduced on it. Well, I reckon my Mama was six times heavier than me. She has been gaining quite some pounds recently, because of the baby sleeping inside her tummy.
Mama picked up the oil lamp from the cabinet next to her. And as the light illuminated her face, her eyes were revealed black as the night sky, like her curly fuzzy hair. Just like mine.
But before I let her head out to the door, I sat up quickly. “Would you read me a story, please?” I clasped my hands as if I was praying- even it was something I knew that can never be answered.
“Angelie, how many times do I have to tell you---“
“But mama, how come Patricia has listened to every fairytales in the whole world?!” I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks and my fist thumping against the dirty white sheets over me. I wanted to cry, but it might just irritate Mama more and lessen my chance for her to read me a story.
“How come you’re still seeing that Patricia?” She put back down the lamp with a bang. Her arms folded across the apron tied around her sweaty body.
“What is the problem about that, Mama?” I asked even though my chance of getting scolded was growing. But I needed to know the answer.
“You two are different,” she paused for a moment, gave out a big sigh then continued,” anyways, fairytales are no good for you. There are just no happy endings in this world.”
“How are we different?” My eyebrows met together in confusion.
“Heavens! Angelie, I’m tired. I don’t wanna talk about this no more and I don’t want that name to be uttered again in my house. You got it?” Mama closed the door as she didn’t want to expect any answers from me.
Hopeless. I never had a real friend but Patricia. We used to be so close, until a man three feet taller than us, looked down on me like I was about to be his next meal. His eyes fixed only to me, not Patricia.
I looked out through the broken window. The moon was clear, just like a candy I have seen from the commercial. But no matter how I fantasize that white circle into my mouth, it still didn’t cheer me up.
I wanna listen to Cinderella’s story. Sleeping beauty. Or even Humpty Dumpy.
I gritted my teeth to hold back the rage running inside my body. How come some children can go to a school and play hide-and-seek and not me? How come they can go to the park without having those strange faces looking at them? My life is so unfair. No. Not only mine but the world is.
“I got a candy for you, Angelie.”
I woke up and saw my father on my bed, flashing a thumb-sized candy in his hands.
“Jerome, don’t let your daughter spoil her breakfast!” Mama hollered back from the kitchen.
“Well, what are you doing, sweetie? C’mon now, and eat your breakfast like the lion we saw on the tee-vee yesterday.” We didn’t have any tee-vee, so I know he was referring from the store he was working on. Papa stood up and pulled me out from my bed. I giggled and the candy waiting in my Papa’s hands to be eaten, just made my day.
“Thank you, Papa!” I squealed as I hugged him.
I finished my breakfast within few minutes, not because I was fast –as what my father had expected- but because we only had a few food left. I only had this single slice of bread on the plate, with a little jam here and there. But it didn’t really matter to me, I was still happy since I’ll be having a reward today. Every third Sunday of the month, Papa would usually bring two caramel candies; one for me and another one for my little baby sister- who’ll be eleven-months-old this coming Spring.
I stood up from the wooden chair after I ate, with my hands clutching the plate.
“Oh no. Not again.” I could hear Mama’s voice from the kitchen. The tone was not as usual before. Sure they’ve been fighting but today was different. There were soft voices, low weeping. Gee, I thank them for giving me good ears to hear.
I knelt near behind the door, where a small slit showed the kitchen. I could see Mama covering her face. I knew then that she was crying. I wanted ask her why but she might scold me, and I knew I was too young to butt into something like this.
“They won’t accept colored employees anymore…”
“Why? How come?”
“They just don’t wasn’t us, anymore. They only accept white—“
“Oh, not again. And how are we going to pay for our debts? You know I can’t work with a baby inside me.” I saw Mama sat on a chair, rubbing her temples. She was having a headache.
I didn’t really understand their conversation but I knew it was something bad. Is Papa going to lose his job?
I shuddered.
That night, I covered my entire body with a blanket. My eyes all teary but I didn’t want Mama to know. She would ask why and I couldn’t give her a straight answer… because I don’t know why. I know there was going to be a bad thing that would happen to us, and I wasn’t ready for that. Was it because I was too selfish that I want all the good things in my life? Or was I asking for more when I knew Papa couldn’t afford to even buy a liter of milk or a kilo of beans?
I could still hear my baby sister’s weeping from the other room. Then it stopped when I heard Mama’s “shhh”. It was until then that I knew she’ll be checking on me again. And I knew she would never give me a chance to listen to any fairytales. But still, I wanted to hear so bad…
I heard the click sound of the doorknob. I immediately covered up my face, so that she wouldn’t notice my eyes swollen.
“Angelie, you awake?”
I pretended to be asleep but I could smell her cheap perfume getting stronger.
“Angelie?”
My eyes were tweaking.
“Angelie, I know you’re dying to listen to any fairytales, but they don’t gonna do a thing for you. So let me just sing for you.” She pulled down the sheets, but still I acted like she wasn’t even here beside me.
“Tomorrow… Tomorrow… I love you. Tomorrow, you’re always a day---“
“Is Papa going to lose his job?” I knew she wouldn’t notice my swollen eyes because she wasn’t bringing any lamp in this crisp night. So I looked at her.
“Angelie… you were listening?”
I pulled back the sheets to cover up my face.
“Angelie, you have to understand that the world we’re livin’ right now is dangerous.” Mama’s voice was calm with an assurance.
“You didn’t answer my question, Mama.” I whispered but not too soft so she could hear me.
“Angelie, some people don’t see us equal to them. Some people treat us with little respect, but I know there are lots of good people around here too.” Mama looked out through the window, smiling although I could see her wiping away some tears.
“I don’t understand, Mama.” Who were those people was she suffering to?
“You will know, dear. Tomorrow… when you grow up, just like your good Papa and Mama." She stared down on me, caressed my forehead and ran her fingers though my hair.
"Now shall I sing you to sleep?”
Her voice tickled my ears. A nightingale she was. I closed my eyes, but I wasn’t sleepy, just pretending to be. I knew she was tired… and sad.
“Everything’s going to be fine, my dear.” I heard a sniff then she gave me a quick goodnight kiss and headed out to the door.
I don’t know why but tears ran down through my closed eyes.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi, Yuriiko :D I'm here as requested *tips hat*
Some more nitpicky points, to begin with?
From the outset, it's clear that our MC is quite young, but for her to say that her mother had been gaining quite a few pounds doesn't seem to fit in with the child-like nature of the rest of her speech. At the moment it's all related to how much her mother weighs, but I think a child might notice more how her shape changes, so perhaps you could mention how her mama's tummy swelled up like a rubber balloon, or something along those lines?
Are you missing a word there?
This seems like a stilted way of describing things, as is Angeline is explaining it just for the benefit of the reader. I think it could easily be incorporated into the Dad's speech, something like "like the lion we saw on the tee-vee at the store yesterday".
I'm not sure I quite understand that?
Again, I'm not sure that this is phrased quite properly? My first thought was that tweaking can refer to how someone acts when they're on drugs, which I don't think was your intention O:
I think this is pretty sweet in a way, but I think there are some areas that you could improve on, to make this even better!
Firstly, I have a bit of trouble putting a setting to this. Is it set in the US, your own country (forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think you're in SE Asia?), somewhere else? I'm not so if I should mention some of the things that stuck out to me because as poor as my understanding of American history is, it's a far side better than that of my Asian .___.;; I think giving us a little more info as to where this is happening would help give it some more context to what's going on in the story, and how it related to the social situations at that point in history.
Secondly, I'm not really sure how old Angeline is. She uses some very child like language, referring to her parents as Mama and Papa, getting excited at the prospect of a piece of candy (and seeming a little fixated on sweets in general), wants nothing more than to hear a fairy-tale. But at the same time, it seems like at time she has an almost adult understanding of what's going on, and can explain things around her in a manner that I'd associate with an older child. You have these two sort of voices sandwiched between each other in some cases, which makes it a little more glaring.
I think you're right in that it's a little vague at times, but I'm the same way when I write when I'm sleepy XD I hope that I've been of some use to you, though! If you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot :D
-Tinny
I enjoyed reading this story. There are, however, a few aspects of the story that, in my opinion, could be improved. The story is told from a perspective of a child. It is a good choice, however, you have to be careful as to choosing the wording as well as sentence structure. Reading the story it was hard to estimate Angelie's age as some parts of the story lead to believe that she is of a younger age; at the same time, some sentence structure in some parts makes her seem older. Unfortunately, I cannot point out the exact sentences because I am not sure what age Angelie is. I would suggest to go through and try to make sure that the writing complexity is uniform throughout the story. I agree with the reviewer above that the central idea of your story is not completely clear. Though I understand that since the story is told through the eyes of a child you cannot directly state the central idea/theme of the story, it should, nevertheless, be highly suggestive. At the end of the story I found myself still wondering why Angelie cannot see Patricia, was Angelie's dad fired, and if he was, why, who are "they" and why they would not accept "us." I expected to see hints as to why, to build a puzzle out of all the pieces scattered throughout the story. I also think that the conflict that characters are facing should be more vivid, this way the ending would be much more effective.
Overall, it was enjoyable but I still think think that it needs more work. But don't let my criticism discourage you in any way. The story is full of potential and so are you. Keep writing and hopefully this review and reviews of members will help you to make this story shine.
This is very good writing, and i like it. Though it is very vague. I loved it but it would just a tiny bit better if you tried to incorporate the "racism" theme so the reader gets it more. Not making it obvious of course.
Other than that I have no criticisms. Good job and good luck.