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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey. I like the title to your poem.
There was a contradiction. You said that the man was there with you in bed, but then all of the sudden you say he's not there. It's a nice idea though. Like Kyllorac said, you misused some words which made it slightly confusing. Also the trasition to for the girl to being having an affair was also a bit sudden.
-Crescent
I saw "attractive", and I winced. Attractive is just not a word you use to describe sunshine. It just struck me as very off. I think this first line would be much stronger if you dropped the "attractive" and kept things simple.
Tense shift. It's very jarring.
That do/are what? Fragment.
Tense shift again, and an obviously forced rhyme.
The first "up" is a bit redundant, and it's too close to the "up" of "look up". In order to stand, you have to get up. I suggest deleting it.
In order to witness something, it must happen in front of you. Envelopes don't happen; they're just there, and you have to actively look at them to see them. Basically, "witnessed" is not the word to use here.
How are these two lines related to one another and the rest of the stanza? I espy another forced rhyme.
Will go, must go, or has gone?
"Compassionate" is the completely wrong word to use here. Dictionaries are your friend. Use them, please.
The tense shifts in these lines make them incoherent.
How can faith and love weep? How come they are mentioned only in this last line and not elsewhere in the poem.
Overall, you have a number of misused words and tense shifts that this poem was difficult to understand. In addition, you also have such bad punctuation, it makes the poem even more difficult to read. I didn't point any of the punctuation out because there were too many errors. In general, poetry follows the same punctuation conventions as prose. A good way to make sure your poem is punctuated properly is to rewrite it in prose format, check the punctuation, and then reformat it back into a poem.
One thing I did like was how you subverted the billet-doux. I thought that was a nice touch.
Nice poem... yet, there are some issues to be raised...
The way the lines go on, it bores me to be straight with you. You connect each one okay, but the basic and, if im honest, bad rhyming scheme that you have going on, doesn't blend well with my ears... tastebuds, par-say. :p
Yet, this is a comfy poem and i get the message clearly.
Keep Writing, and try to focus on connecting your sentences better