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Young Writers Society


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My Life's Worth

by Yuka


Its been only 15 years since i was born. A lot of things has happened and their are some that is better to be forgotten. I've had a lot of regrets in the past and one is something i regret until now.

But there is one that i will never regret or forget and that is the choice of being with you. Someone who was able to understand me more than anyone in this world. Although we only lasted for 3 years, every moment that we spent we're such bliss that i didn't ever want to leave nor to give you up. You were my first love and i wanted you to be only mine just like you wanted me to be only yours. Those 3 years of my life being with you was something i treasured because i knew it wouldn't last forever...

My love, My dearest, Although we knew that we were running out of time and the life that we wanted to be forever was coming to an end, for us it didn't matter because every minute of every second of everyday we knew that it will always last forever. We've been through so much these past years that i cant even imagine being separated from you.

The last few months that we had, everyday was sheer bliss. every time you kissed, hugged and touched me was a moment i cherished.

Sadness and loneliness started to fill my heart but saved me from being engulfed by it. You told me that even if you are far away i will be the only one that you will love until the very end of your time...

Our last day of being together was my most memorable day.. It was the day we did someone that neither of us could do alone and it was because of that, that i knew you were the only one and the only reason why i lived in this world. I was born to be with you and you were born to be with me. The day of your departure, i never got to say good bye to you face to face but as we talked in the phone and i hear the sound of the passing plains i cried and wanted you to stay. Our last meeting, our last time seeing each other, the moment you left i felt sadness and grief. It was a time that i felt nothing but pain but i knew you were going through the same.

On the 24th of June, a call coming from his brother. His voice was trembling, a sound of a crying mother in the background, and a voice of loving husband comforting his wife. I didn't want to believe it but i knew that it was true. It was his time and i never got to say good bye, he who has done nothing but support, comfort and love me with all his being is now gone and all there was left was a letter saying " Thank you for spending the remaining years of me life with me. I regret not being with you forever but i will never regret being with you, you who will forever be my life, my best friend and my beloved Yukino." ....

As i read his letter, tears of sadness flowed and i knew he was gone forever..

My brother, my friend, my beloved..

You who saved me, a falling star from being engulfed by darkness,will always be in my heart. forever.

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247 Reviews

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Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:07 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hey, Yuka! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this. Better late than never, right? Right?

Okay. I like the concept of this piece. You are obviously very emotionally connected to your main character, which is good. I've always thought of writing as a kind of acting - if you're not emotionally involved, your audience won't be either.

There are two main things you can do to enhance the emotional impact of your piece:
1) Details and Imagery
You'll see this concept discussed a lot on YWS as "Showing, not telling." Describe the characters' feelings and actions more than telling us what they are. Your beginning feels really rushed and awkward, and I think you could fix that just by taking your time with it. Leave out unnecessary details like age that add nothing to your story. Let's take the beginning, for example:

Its been only 15 years since i was born. A lot of things has happened and their are some that is better to be forgotten. I've had a lot of regrets in the past and one is something i regret until now.

But there is one that i will never regret or forget and that is the choice of being with you.

The writing here is very choppy, and I think the issue I have with it is the generalizations. You are very vague here in the first few lines. I would suggest avoiding the word "something." Your reader cannot connect to a "something." Your reader connects to emotions and tangible things. How would you feel about just starting your piece with "I will never regret or forget my choice to be with you"? It might grab your reader a bit more.
Overall, just work on your descriptions and narrowing them down. I can feel that you're emotionally connected, but your reader may need you to help them "see" the images in your head in order for her to connect as well.

2) Grammar
I noticed in your comments that you said you realized many of your errors just after you posted. Yay! One of the healthiest things for a writer is self-editing. I think you learn more that way. :) But why didn't you fix them? Out of respect for your own writing and for your reviewers, please read through your piece before you post it and correct any errors you see. Take pride in your work and post the best work you possibly can. Your reviewers are here to try to help you make it even better, and you do yourself a disservice when you force reviewers to "fix" the piece to a level already within your capabilities. You should never be in a hurry to post a piece on YWS. We'll always be happy to review it even if it comes a day later. Feel free to take time to edit your own work first. Then we know what grammar you do and don't know. :D
I would greatly appreciate it if you could take just a few moments to go through and correct the errors you can pick out yourself. Once you've done that, I'd be happy to come back and edit this review to critique grammar. That way, I can go into further detail on the stuff you may not know. I just want to help you as best I can. :D


Also, just a random thought: I would take out the YWS quote code. It looks a little strange. Just regular quotation marks would be fine. Or maybe even italics. It's up to you, though. :D

Anyway, I think this piece has a lot of potential. But don't be afraid to work on it a little and give it a bit of tender loving care. :) I'm excited to see what you do with it! Let me know when you want me to come back and look at it again.
Happy writing,
-Sea-




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:36 pm
umaima wrote a review...



Hey!
umaima here to review your submission today!

First of all happy review day!
Now coming to your story, Well interesting peice, it is attension grabbing and I enjoyed reading it. God I was so thunder stuck in the end. I felt so bad for the girl and was painful, we could feel it so well done!
But their were like many grammatical mistakes which you probably can notice very clearly.

You did not captilize the letter 'I' at many places so please do that. It's important.

Although we only lasted for 3 years, every moment that we spent we're such bliss that i didn't ever want to leave nor to give you up


Instead of we're it should be we were. Then again 'I' captilizing.

Those 3 years of my life being with you was something i treasured because i knew it wouldn't last forever...


you should use were instead of was. Were is used in plural while was in singular and as here you mentioned 3 years you should probably use it. Or maybe is, I quite can't get it myself. choose whatever sutaible.

for us it didn't matter because every minute of every second of everyday we knew that it will always last forever


the "Every minute of every second of every day" I think every minute of every second makes no sence as seconds don't have minutes in them (duh) So I think you meant every second of every minute.

every time you kissed, hugged and touched me was a moment i cherished


captilise 'every'

It was the day we did someone that neither of us could do alone and it was because of that, that i knew you were the only one and the only reason why i lived in this world


Here it should be something instead of someone

The day of your departure, i never got to say good bye to you face to face but as we talked in the phone and i hear the sound of the passing plains i cried and wanted you to stay


'as we talked ON the phone' not in and I HEARD not hear, that would be present while you are writing in past. And there should be a comma after passing plains

our last time seeing each other


This doesn't make sence so check it once, maybe it could be like this 'the last time we meet' or anything which you prefer.

That's all I could help with. I would give you an advicce. first write it on word and then copy paste here...that way you would have rather less mistakes...and whatever I meantioned above were just my opinions. If you like them then I am pleased if not then it's okay.

Hope luck for your next submission

oncce agian umaima!




Yuka says...


Thanks for the advice :))
I noticed my mistakes not long after submitting this.
Thanks for the corrections! :)



umaima says...


Your welcome Yuka



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Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:21 pm
ka67 wrote a review...



Interesting piece! I personally liked it, what with the little romance entwined and the biggest thing in it really. Of course, nothing is perfect and yours is no exception but it is very very good!! I enjoy the way he seemed to be going somewhere and the mystery as to where though I think its war.

The spelling errors are normally capitalization or missing a word to include in the sentence such as 'we' or 'you'(I found one before but I can't seem to find it again!) The I's have to be capitalized but mostly it is no biggie and often mistakes. I do it myself!! :)

Also, vocab is just as important. Maybe make the anguish of the family more elaborate and the pain of the girl herself. Make the note something of extreme importance and also maybe use more words. Maybe something like 'That day, that one awful day on the 24th...June had been going so well... Your brother called and in the background I could hear your mother sobbing, you daddy trying to calm her and your brother himself was ready to breakdown. I understand right away but the denial...the utter agony of that empty feeling that you had filled before it was overwhelming.' then introduce the note! Everything could be more elaborate, and though I like it as it is, do give it more detail! :)

Like the piece,wouldn't mind reading more, and post/ pm if you have any questions :)




Yuka says...


Thank you! :)
Im really bad when it comes to spelling and the capitalization sometimes. sorry! xD
Im more used to using a pen and paper than typing because i type too fast when i get excited while making a story :)



ka67 says...


Don't worry,I'm good at typing, but we have the same problem, sometimes I got 'HOme' or something like that, and normally my mess ups are due to my fast typing.



Yuka says...


Hehehe. :)



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Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:25 pm
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi Yuka. Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

I am Sol, and I will be reviewing your piece today. :)

From this piece, I like that it sounds really sincere and real. As if you wrote your heart down, and that's good; it creates a good connection between your character and your readers. However, I'm here to talk about grammar. When it comes to punctuation you've done a good job, but there are other things that must be pointed out. We can use the first two sentences as an example.

It's been only 15 years since i was born. A lot of things has happened and their are some that is better to be forgotten.


1) There should be an apostrophe in the first word of your story, because in this case, the word "It's" is composed of "It" and "has", otherwise your sentence would make no sense.

2) I's should always be capitalized when you use them as pronouns.

3) The word "has" should be "have" in this case.

4) The correct would should be "there" instead of their.

---

There are various errors like these throughout your piece, and it would be good for you if you take time to spot them and correct them. Why is this important? Because the more professional you are, the more seriously they will take you and your writing. And yep, you want that. ;) And that's pretty much all I've got to say... Adiós. :)

~GeeLyria




Yuka says...


Hello :)
Thanks for the correction :)
Actually, i rewrote this before but i lost it when my computer restarted so i posted this instead.
This was merely a graph so it really has a lot of errors :)
but thanks for the advise :D



Yuka says...


Hello :)
Thanks for the correction :)
Actually, i rewrote this before but i lost it when my computer restarted so i posted this instead.
This was merely a graph so it really has a lot of errors :)
but thanks for the advise :D




All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
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