Published April 27, 2012
Deep within the shadow infested forest, past the stream of souls and history, lay a cave of mysery.
There rested a small being, short and scared, oblivious to the world and the wings of the fair.
Beyond the danger and the trees built an ancient tower, filled with the great dreams of the sleeping and the woken. There lived a light being, trusted with happiness.
The beings knew nothing of one another. But somewhere under their comprehension seared the feeling of incompletion.
The being of despair wanted a change, so it sluggishly trudged itself to the end of the forest, away from its home of emptiness.
The being of the light felt the change. Somewhere inside, a veil of determination drove the being to the forest, where it had never trodden foot before.
The beings met and they spoke their first words to each other, singing their history and their emotions. Society was destroyed and the rules were broken, but nothing had been better than this.
Mysery was fought, and the light won. Both became friends, and both met each and every day at the edges of their world. Law and order, dark and light, merged and formed a new way of patching the mud.
Nothing was the same again. But nothing had been so happy as such before.
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141,605 Literary Works • 675,132 Reviews
Hello there.
I have to agree with Whisperer down there. This piece is so short I'm not really sure what to make of it. Though if I had to go with my first impression I'd say you were trying to create a fairy tale of some sort, which are often short or simple in nature and depict ancient magical beings. I hope you don't mind if I review it as such.
The thing that struck me most about this piece was its vagueness, and while fairy tales may not be very specific they're usually not this vague. For instance, the story of Little Red Riding hood wasn't specific on where the story was located, but we did have the grandmother's house and the forest. What are these locations you speak of, and what is their significance? Even a tiny bit of details can give us much more context to work with.
Setting aside, I'm also not entirely sure about the significance of these beings in question. The light being and despair being. Let's call them LiBe and DeBe. Libby and Debbie. Exactly what purpose do they have in existing? I think it's obvious that they're great and powerful creatures, but why do they exist? What effects do they have on the surroundings? Why are the effects significant enough to write about? Actually, another totally unrelated question. Why are they beings of light and despair? Why not nature and, I don't know, methane? And why did Debbie want change? What was wrong with Debbie's current situation? Furthermore, why wasn't Libby aware of Debbie's existence before? Surely there had to be some indication, direct or indirect.
The fact that more than half of this review is a pretty good indicator that there are way too many unanswered questions for me to give a more proper review, if that makes any sense. I'm left with nothing to take with me from this story and therefore it has no impact on me. Maybe if you were to enlighten me on exactly what you were going for when you wrote this I could understand it a bit better and give a better review, but for now I leave you with this.
Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Hi there.
Whisperer here.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is so short. I don't know what you meant this to be. It seems to me as a plot or a summary. It lacks enough details for the setting, the characters, and the whole story to sink in to the reader, for me at the least.
Nitpicks:
- I think 'shadow' and 'infested' should be hyphenated together ('shadow-infested').
- Other than that, as a reader, I wonder where this shadow-infested forest is. It all seems vague.
- This is also seems vague.
- Isn't that supposed to be 'misery' and not 'mysery'?
- Why is it called a 'cave of misery'?
Anyway, the first line as a whole feels like a 'Once upon a time' intro, and I think that's what your going for. But why? Why this style of writing? Like I said earlier, I wonder what you meant this piece to be? Who are your target readers? Again, to me, it feels vague.
- Why is this small being resting there? (I'm not complaining. xD I'm curious as a reader.)
- What is it scared of?
- 'The wings of the fair'? I'm imagining angels or something like that. Again, this is vague.
- This is a really interesting line. However, 'law' and 'order' seemed vague concepts here.
- Anyway, what were you referring to when you wrote 'mud'?
In the end, it appears to me as an interesting paragraph in a long novel. With that being said, I think there should be more - more details, more characterization, more imagery. Like I've been repeating earlier (which I apologize for using it too many times), the way you wrote the story is vague. It's like, after I read this, I'm asking in my mind 'What happened?' The story didn't sink in. Anyway, sorry that I seemed to have nitpicked every line. lol
I think you've got a good idea in your mind but you are unable to express it or broaden it into something that's whole and complete.
Never stop writing!
Oops. I had a quoting problem there. xD Sorry.