Published April 28, 2012
The darkness around me grew thick and the eyes of the watcher I could feel on the back of my neck. I wanted to run, as fast as I can. I didn't care where. As long as I was far away from here. But my knees were shaking so badly that my legs refused to move. I felt like I was going to be sick.
The wind wailed at me, speaking words of foreign understanding that passed through me. In that wind I heared little voices of the dead, screaming and crying, telling me to run. It was good advice, but I didn't take it. How stupid of me.
" Hello?" I called out, my voice choked and shrill. But nothing answered. I'm not sure I wanted anything to anyway. The darkness crept closer, whispering to me with a mocking tone. My mind thought up images of the soon deadly future, of how I would end. My heart wouldn't listen.
" Help!"
I jumped, almost screaming myself. That voice... It had been so small, so child-like, but filled with so much pain and desperation. But I didn't know if this was a real child, determined to get help for something that was happening to it, or if this was a trap set up by my watcher to lure me out. If I left it, I would be a boy responcible for the end of another being. If I went, I could be finished.
Maybe it was a moment of stupidity. Or maybe it was a moment of courage. But I ran as fast as I could towards the voice, for once my legs doing what I wanted them to do. I could feel the watcher following closely behind.
" Help me! Please! Someone!"
There was something oddly demonic about those cries. But still I ran. Maybe this was supposed to be how it ended. That was why I carried on.
I spun around the corner of a tall dark building, entering the mouth of a long, shadow-filled alley. In a door way half way was a cloaked figure and in its hands were chains that he swung around. As I stopped, it turned towards me and on its lips grew a menacing smile.
" As if you really cared," he hissed. Suddenly, he vanished into thin air, gone, leaving the chain in the door way. I ran to it and picked it up, flinching as the ice cold of the metal stung my bare fingers.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Had the child gone? What was I going to do? What was this chain? What was that thing? Where was this place? I didn't know what to do.
Slowly, I began to walk along the alley, aware of everything around me. This time, I didn't flinch as I heard the footsteps quietly padding behind me, growing closer.
Around me, the scene started to change. The buildings shrunk and grew bark and branches. Leaves fell on my head and burnt my skin as they flared into fire. My shoes were gone and I walked along a floor made of flamed. Behind me, the footsteps continued.
It went on for hours. The scene stayed the same as if the film was stuck and kept replaying. By now, my feet were black with ash from the red and burnt badly, but I carried on. I refused to fall prey to whatever walked behind me. I wanted out of this dream. This nightmare. As long as it wasn't reality. As long as I knew that my happiness lay beyond this.
As if the film had been hit and made to carry on, everything started to change. Along either side of me, lights from torches ran through the trees, and the growls and killer barks of demon dogs cut through the silence. That was when I began to run.
" Get him!"
Chased, I fleed as fast as I could, small tears beginning to leak out of my eyes. Closer and closer they came, and closer and closer came my end. That time, I did scream, and screamed as loud as I could.
The dogs shot through the trees, their red eyes boring into me as they bared their sharp white teeth, so close to my neck. I screamed again. I couldn't help it. It scared the hell out of me. I forgot about the reality outside and this became so real to me. If I stopped here, I was done for.
I stopped. The five huge dogs cirlced me and the watcher strode magnificently to me.
" You need to get this into your head," he breathed into the air. " Don't get lost in the fake reality that you created. Get out of this, alive."
In my bed, I bolted up, sweat dripping from my pours. The air was hot and smelt of fear and my quilt lay crumpled on the floor from the thrashing around. I quickly switched on my light by my bed and held my head in my hands, ready to cry. But no tears came out. They must have tried up from the fire of the nightmare.
At least now I was safe. At least now I wasn't trapped in a circle of demon dogs.
There came a shuffle from the corner of the room. I looked up and saw the cloaked figure from my dream, leaning against the wall, still with the menacing smile playing on his lips.
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YuePantera,
This is certainly an interesting short story, and I am glad that I chose it as my first short story to read on Young Writers Society.
It captured me from the first sentence and kept me the entire time, I never became bored. I was hooked.
I must say that I am impressed by anyone who can write in first person well, and write in first person and keep me reading. And you did both.
It still needs a little work in some areas that the others pointed out but other than that it is perfection!
NHNT
Hey there YuePantera! Lauren here for a review!
Let's get right to it, shall we?
I really dig the imagery in this opening line. One thing, though, in the section I bolded it's kind of twisted around in a way that doesn't make the most sense. The reader gets what you're saying, but it's said so oddly that it throws the reader out of the story a bit. Not quite what you want in your first line.
1. The darkness around me grew thick. The eyes of the watcher, I could feel on the back of my neck.
This one preserves the style of the original, but breaks the sentences up so as to keep information more separate so the reader only has to concentrate on one thing at a time. The added comma also makes the format of the second part more semantically sensical.
2. The darkness around me grew thick and I could feel the eyes of the watcher on the back of my neck.
Here, everything is in a semantically "normal" order that is much easier to understand upon a first reading.
What does he/she mean that their heart wouldn't listen? Is her heart telling her something opposite of what her mind is telling her? If so, what is it? These are things the reader wants, and needs, to know in order to more fully understand the story.
Why did he stop when he knew he would die if he stopped? Also, where did the demon dogs come from? Were they there the entire time? What is their purpose? Are they with the watcher?
This is a really interesting story! I like the nightmarish qualities of the, well, nightmare as well as how even when he wakes up he hasn't quite escaped it. Very neat, very scary! However, there are several broader things I'd like to point out:
Pacing
Everything seems to happen so fast in the story. Everything rushes by and we're at the end before we've begun to really process what's happened at the beginning. It's okay to slow things down a bit, even in an action-based story such as this. Take time to describe what happens, what things look, sound, feel, etc like to the main character. All of these things provide a more satisfying experience to a reader, and are quite fun to write as well!
The Watcher
Who exactly is this watcher that is watching our main character? I seem to understand that he's a bad guy, and if our main character is caught by him he'll be killed. But why is the watcher watching the main character? Has the main character done something bad/illegal? Is the main character someone ultimately good that the watcher wants to destroy in order to maintain his "Evil Plan"? As the only apparent antagonist in the story (aside from the cloaked figure), it's important that the reader knows a little more about him. It's also important for the plot of the story that the reader understands why this man is around, and why he's following the main character. It gives purpose to the story, and allows the reader to make deeper connections with the story and the characters.
A Complete Story
The arc of action in this story works for me, and feels "completed" to me, but the story itself just doesn't feel complete quite yet. Mostly for all of the reasons I have mentioned thus far in the review. The story, and course of action, feel a bit like a skeleton. It needs to be fleshed out by detail, by character interactions, by slowing down and exploring other actions and reactions and details for the main character as well as other characters in the story. Don't be afraid to give a little context, backstory. Let the reader know why things are happening, how things got to be the way they are at the beginning of the story, who all these people are, what they want to gain/are afraid to lose, where the story is taking place. Flesh the story out, give it some muscle on top of the bones we have here, and don't be afraid to explore everywhere the story can go! That's one of the most fun parts of being a writer.
Other than that, this is a great start! If you have any questions, or want to discuss anything further, feel free to shoot me a PM and I'd be glad to!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-