When I was a little girl all i ever dreamed about was a fairytale love something that was beyond the impossible. Something noone else could have only me. I always wanted to be a princess that found her king and made her his queen. My dreams of having a big beautifiul weding and having a father daughter dance, when my dad would give me away and thats a dream that would never come true. So i made up a different fairytale where i wouldnt fall in love but i did. Five Years ago I realized how extremely gorgeous my aunts husband was. With his hair so perfect and in place, his lips that looked so soft and pink. He was strong and had a personality that could blow a persons mind away. It was just an innocent crush something that i could have never imaged as something real. I never paid mind to those feelings but always noticed how handsome he was. After two years of flirting and trying to get his attention finally worked. I was at his house with his two daughters and my aunt when me and my cousins decided it was time to go to sleep while I showered my aunt and two cousins fell asleep.I changed into a long shirt and went into the room I found the girls sleeping so calmly like angels. I was about to go into bed when HE walked in and I got on the bed and covered my self. He said "Sorry I thought you guys were asleep" I responded "Its okay it happens" and licked my lips and turned my head the other way. He came over grabbed me so i got up and he kissed me. My first real kiss, the kiss i would never forget. My legs were shaking my stomach full of butterflies i didn't know what to think it was like a dream. A game ha began that day something that was once impossible became possible. The next day was awkward we found each other in the kitchen the next day and didn't say a word. We acted like nothing had happen in my head i was thinking that it was all a mistake for him and that he would never talk to me. We went by our day like nothing like everything was perfectly fine when in my head it wasn't. Later on my aunt had left me and him in the house while she went to take the girls shopping. I wasn't feelings good so i stayed behind. He came to me and kissed me again it was a passionate kiss and it lead to touching. To things i had only seen in movies i was scared but i wanted to know where things were going. TO BE CONTINUED.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, right off the bat with this one, I do have to say that, this is currently in desperate need of being broken into paragraphs here. Its a massive chunk of text here, and not only is is pretty tough to read when its like that, it also seems to be interfering with the overall flow of this piece quite a bit here. There's quite a lot happening in this piece over a pretty long time so you do definitely want to split this into four or five ish paragraphs here at the very least.
Okay, well, moving past that one... and to the content, this is definitely an interesting one here. Its a pretty unique situation here in the fact that it looks like this person having lost hope of their fairytale wish, ends up getting another one of their wishes that they're not quite sure about cause well, it does seem to be something quite a bit out of the ordinary. As the reader here, I'm not sure if we're meant to be happy for this person getting their wish granted or be afraid of what could potentially happen as a result of this wish here.
Soo...this does make for a pretty good start right here. Overall, it certainly does a good job as a starting piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay! Black here for ANOTHER review day Review!
All right, besides the fact that this was all one massive paragraph this was pretty good . . . Interesting, your grammar was not the best, but the whole thing read easily and if you think about it, that's all that really matters. . . . So now for that review!
Grammar and Spelling: This is definitely one of your weak points, I’ll try to coax you through your problems, but to really get these over with you must practice!
You have a major problem in that this whole story (I believe I mentioned this) is two paragraphs, when writing is that dense it all seems to bunch up on the page and it’s hard to read (It should never be hard to read).
‘noone’ should be ‘no one’, ‘beautifiul’ should be ‘beautiful’, and ‘weding’ should be ‘wedding’. . . These are simple mistakes that just need more experience to automatically have solved.
The ‘i’s should be capitalized, ‘wouldnt’ should be ‘wouldn’t’.
You need a space after the period.
‘my self’ is one word ‘myself’.
‘Its’ should be ‘It’s’ . . .
Something you need to remember is that dialogue is always separated as the producer changes!
Plot: Your plot is very slow and stretched out, you don’t have much detail! A story needs details, and what you have right now is more like a synopsis . . . You have to fill it in.
Theme: Okay, of all the parts of your writing, it’s your Theme that bothers me the most . . . I mean, it’s a girl who falls in love with her uncle, if I’m the only person who thinks this is weird then I’ll eat socks! But I won’t be eating socks. If you’re going to write a love story, it has to be pure, and a girl falling in love with her uncle (And him encouraging her) isn’t pure in any way. . . . (Needless to add, to my Christian viewpoint this would be a sin).
I’d advise you to make it a bit more pure . . . really, it isn’t funny, it isn’t good, and you need to change this! If I read a story like this it instantly gets a bad grade, even if it is written well.
Overall: Work on your grammar, sentence size, theme, and plot . . . do that and you’ll be on your way to a good story! But watch out, it’s not easy to fix these things, be careful, and make sure you get lots of practice . . .
I guess good work, in a way, but you need practice!
Nice work, KEEP WRITING! (How else will you become a great writer?)
~Black~
It wasn't her uncle it was her aunts husband.
Crazy here with reviews for CreativiTea~!
Something noone else could have only me.
- You need to put a space between 'no' and 'one'.
My dreams of having a big beautifiul weding and having a father daughter dance, when my dad would give me away and thats a dream that would never come true.
- You mispelled beautiful and wedding, and it would be that's not thats.
Five Years ago I realized how extremely gorgeous my aunts husband was.
- It would be Aunt's husband.
He was strong and had a personality that could blow a persons mind away.
- It would be person's not persons.
I was at his house with his two daughters and my aunt when me and my cousins decided it was time to go to sleep while I showered my aunt and two cousins fell asleep.I changed into a long shirt and went into the room I found the girls sleeping so calmly like angels.
- The first sentence is a run-on sentence. Put one or two spaces before you start a sentence.
He said "Sorry I thought you guys were asleep" I responded "Its okay it happens" and licked my lips and turned my head the other way.
- Put a period after your character talks. And put spaces between them.
A game ha began that day something that was once impossible became possible.
- Typo here, I think you meant 'he'.
We acted like nothing had happen in my head i was thinking that it was all a mistake for him and that he would never talk to me. We went by our day like nothing like everything was perfectly fine when in my head it wasn't.
I wasn't feelings good so i stayed behind.
To things i had only seen in movies i was scared but i wanted to know where things were going.
My first real kiss, the kiss i would never forget. My legs were shaking my stomach full of butterflies i didn't know what to think it was like a dream.
He came over grabbed me so i got up and he kissed me.
It was just an innocent crush something that i could have never imaged as something real.
So i made up a different fairytale where i wouldnt fall in love but i did.
When I was a little girl all i ever dreamed about was a fairytale love something that was beyond the impossible.
- Here I just grouped together all the ones that you didn't capitalize 'I'
Overall review: You really need to make this into paragraphs. Its very messy looking and makes people read faster and skip over things. Also, you need to put a warning of 16+ on this. There are writers on here who haven't had 'The Talk' yet, and from where this is heading, I think it would be necessary. You can do this by going back and editing it under your works. Your sentences also need more glitter. Not literally glitter, but the sentences are dull. Spice 'em up a little with good ole' diction.
This is good. Something that can really happen in real life but people do not want to touch the subject, good job!
Thanks