Nail Polish Bottles

Introduction/ Sneak Peek

PAST

The lunch looks disgusting; I don’t think this should even be a lunch. It might be chili, at least it’s a guess… Still what a shame to waste it. So I attempt to put the spoon filled with that slimy goop in my mouth. The plastic utensil stops half way. I can’t do this. These lunches really freak me out. They should have better ones considering this is a catholic school. I glance around the table with my friends chatting and picking at their sack lunches their moms packed. My mom doesn’t pack me lunch and I don’t know how to do it myself. They never seem to turn out right. I’m stuck with the goop. At least she finds the time to pay for it? I don’t really know.

I get up with the thin tin bowl and take it over to the garbage bin. This is the routine for most days. It’s the middle of the fourth grade year and I think people are noticing how I don’t eat at lunch. I can afford to lose the weight anyways. I pass the table with all the snotty kids after I threw my food away. “Hey, Callia!” this girl Kenya called me over. So I walk up to the edge of their table. “Why don’t you ever eat? You becoming anorexic?” What’s anorexic? I didn’t bother to ask. It probably wasn’t good anyways.

“No.” I said simply. I started to walk away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t hear the whispers then laughs. I shrugged it off, but really just pretending to ignore the fact that I know it‘ll come back up later. When I sit back down at the table everyone’s almost done with their food anyways. My best friend, Greta, is complaining about her weight again and how she says she weighs way too much. So when I sit back down she turns to me, “You’re the skinniest one here…”

It shocked me, because I wasn’t near to skinny. “No. I suck in.” and I do. I’m good at it too. Everyone thinks that when you suck in your chest sticks out. But I found a way to make it look natural. No one believed me at that point. Whatever though. I don’t care about weight.

DIARY

2-3-11

Why does everyone worry about me? I’m fine. I ate 600-700 calories and only made three marks. That’s better than eating nothing and making seven marks! I’m fine. See, I can put on a smile right now. Smiling... Wow, I can’t even fool my diary. Maybe I can still fool myself.

No wonder they know I need help.

CURRENT

My room is too cold, I breathe and there are white ghosts of my breath floating up, up, and vanishing. Just like that, I wish it was that simple for me too. If I did, I wonder where I would end up. I don’t ponder that thought for long. I don’t actually care where I would end up. Just plain vanishing would be enough.

I can hear my parents are just coming home. They’re probably drunk out of their minds again. I would actually consider worrying about how they make it home without dying if I just cared a little bit more. I should probably feel bad about admitting that. But I only feel hollow. What a shame. What a waste. What have I become?

No one cares, I suppose. After all, I am just one voice in sea of everyone else’s. And there’s worse out there. That thought makes me shutter every time it crosses my mind. The world is such a stone hard place. People recognize it too and don’t do anything. Well, neither am I. I should try. See how far that’ll go. Not too far probably... I’d most likely forget these thoughts when I wake up anyways.

Sleep sounds like bliss at this moment. But I have to clean up after myself. Don’t want my parents to see what I do. Even though I doubt they’d care to even check or notice. They’d most likely confront it then go back to their life of friends, parties, and bars. I need to get out of here.

Chapter One

CURRENT

“Step on the scale please.” Dr. Stewart tells me. I do as I was told, like the good girl I am. I’m not at the doctors because I have a health problem or anything. It’s my physical for eighth grade. It’s the last year in Middle School and then High School, the place where apparently you lose your close friends for some better ones. That’s what I’ve heard, at least. I kind of don’t want to lose them yet. This summer has been great and I’ve gotten a lot closer to some people I never would’ve thought I’d be this close to. Like Carla, Darcy, Jenna, Nick, and Darl. Too bad summer’s almost done and school starts in like a week. Darl is now a freshman but everyone else that matters to me is on my team. Our school has two teams per grade. Two separate sets of teachers and two separate mascots for each grade. There’s another mascot for the whole school though. It’s a Tiger called Al.

I step onto the scale and my doctor weighs and measures me. 123.00 pounds and I’m 5 foot 4 and a half. I’m not sure if that’s good or not and he doesn’t tell me. He just pulls me into his office for whatever questions he has. When I was little my mom answered those questions for me. But of course she had, it’s the obvious thing to do. Now she is in the waiting room most likely reading those old magazines and trying to find an article to help her make her appearance seem younger. I don’t mind, I feel that I’d be more honest with Dr. Stewart if she kept her distance.

“So is everything okay?” He asks. His thin wire glasses slide down his nose. He takes his round finger and shoves them back into place. He doesn’t look at me while he asks the question or while I answer it, his attention is taken by the sheet on his clipboard.

“Yeah, it’s all going well.” I look at the painting on the wall. It’s a series of colors blended in together. Blues, greens, orange, but a majority of the painting is taken over by the color red. I start to think of blood. Then I start to think of Jenna. He asked how I was doing. He isn’t interested in your friend’s health. I divert my eyes away from the painting to my lap.

“You’re starting school soon it says here. You excited? Do you have any concerns about it, Callia?” I take a glance at him and this time he looks up. His head is still bent like he’s reading, though. His gray eyes have a vacant look to them. I try to avoid them as much as possible. I look back at my lap and fold my hands on it like an angel.

“I’ve heard this year would be the best of Middle School. So I’m kind of looking forward to it starting. Also, most of my friends are on my team this year.” I heard most of the teachers are really cool and everything but for me it’s a mix of the good and bad ones.

Ms. Moore was just moved up to teach eighth grade. I have her for math. Mr. Wilson was new since last year and is said to be really relaxed and cool. He’s my homeroom, science, and reading teacher. Mr. White is my gym teacher, second year in a row. I can’t do gym... at all. So last year I never participated much. Mr. White probably wants to burn me and might if I don’t do better this year. Gym teachers... I’m really not looking forward to his class or Ms. Young’s class. Ever since she started working at our school, she has been a computer teacher. Due to school cutbacks and getting rid of the computer lab, she is now a teacher on my team. No one likes her, including myself.

Here’s the story I have with Ms. Young. In sixth grade all the students went from their Elementary School to this school. Majority of them either went to this ghetto school I can’t remember the name of or the school three blocks from my house. I didn’t go to either though. My mom sent me to a Catholic school until I begged her enough to let me go to a public school in sixth. So all the students are there for the first time and how does Ms. Young get every ones attention? After introducing herself, she starts eating a candle. Ms. Young claims it wasn’t really a candle, yet she won’t say what it was. I’m sticking with the idea that it was actually a candle.

I didn’t mind her in sixth grade. Yeah, she had difficult and precise rules that if not followed exactly, you can’t ace the class. No one aced that class. She was and still is a pushy, strict, wanna-be child, and just all together unlikable. In seventh grade she found out I wore glasses. I hate wearing my glasses. She says I need to always need to wear them and when I didn’t she followed me to my classes and checked up on me to make sure I was listening to her. She almost gave me my first detention because of my refusal. She always held everyone after class too. I just can’t describe her. I have Ms. Young for Social Studies and Language Arts. Joy.

“That’s good. Yeah, all sounds good.” He mumbles the last part and begins to rise up out of the swivel chair he was in. “Now I’m going to test your reflexes and the test your blood pressure.” Dr. Stewart goes through all the things doctors do during the check-ups and tells me that I’m perfectly fine and healthy. “You can go now. Have your mother check you out first, though.” I leave but he stays inside getting ready for whoever his next patient is.

And like I thought, my mom is there hunting for beauty remedies in magazines probably as old as herself. Her frizzy auburn colored hair is covering her face as she hunches over what looks like People magazine. “C’mon,” I say as I approach her. She looks up. “We can go now but you gotta check me out first.” I want to get out fast. The doctors always scared me and it never fails to smell like a mixture of Lemon Pledge and puke.

“I know, I know. I’ve been doing this for forever. Each time someone thinks it’s their duty to remind me of checking you out of here. I know what I’m doing.” I stay silent and we walk over to the counter where the sectary sits.

“Hello. May I help you?” She asks in the small, quiet tone of voice all sectaries use.

“Yeah, I’m Mrs. Richardson. I need to check my daughter out.”

And they go through all the motions. Each time I come here it’s just everyone repeating exactly what happened the last time; except the doctor asks me slightly different questions.

 When we get in the car, my mom and I, I tell that everything in me is as healthy as before and she barely grunts in response. She just drops me off at our apartment building, and then drives off to work. It’s most likely I won’t see her until after midnight and my dad until much later. I am just fine with that because there won’t be as much noise as when they are around. Although I do wish David would get a job or maybe have as much as a life as my parents do so it’ll be quieter. But I know that’s wistful thinking.

            David’s my brother, I guess. If we weren’t family, and that fact isn’t really stopping me from feeling this, I would detest him. But I’m stuck with him, sadly. I know I should love my whole family and everything but it’s so hard because sometimes they just aren’t your type. Who’s my favorite person in the family? Margaret, my little sister that can barely put together a sentence that makes sense. She is too cute though to NOT like. Margaret has giant brown eyes and adorable curls for hair. I am very jealous of her hair. I always wanted spiral curls like hers, but I only have straight hair. Even though I get a lot of compliments on it and people randomly petting it, I still want curls.

                I retrieve the keys from my back pocket to enter the door to our apartment. As I walk in I hear the T.V on and know that David is home. The show he’s watching must involve war or something because I hear gun shots coming from the speakers. The volume is higher than it probably should be but at least I know I don’t have to be quiet incase Margaret is sleeping. I get fully inside and observe the room.

            All the lights? Yeah, they’re on. And who’s in the room? Absolutely nobody. David has this thing where he leaves the room with probably very electronic appliance running. It drives me completely insane. I always have to go into that room when he leaves and turn everything off. Margaret wasn’t even this bad in her baby years.

            So I run around the house looking for David. He’s in his room asleep. He’s still in his baggy jeans and has his Yankee’s tee shirt on. He didn’t even bother to take off his disgusting gym shoes. It’s going to be hell washing his sheets next time.

            It looks like he didn’t mean to fall asleep because he is in a half sitting up position. I’d like to think he was trying to do school work, but that thought is fruitless. He doesn’t do school. He can’t really hold on to what the teachers are saying and doesn’t do his homework. It makes me kind of nervous for high school. When he was still in middle school he never got failing grades. And he went to a catholic school all throughout those years. Now ever since he went to high school he lost most of his friends and intelligence. I thought maybe it’s a phase. But he’s a sophomore now. So maybe it’s actually hard. But my mom says he has had some learning disability for a while now. He seems normal enough to me. Well, maybe not normal, but it seems like everything in him is exactly how they’re supposed to be.

            David fell asleep with his lights on.

                I turn his lights off of course because I have some sort of OCD thing with lights and everything, then I go find Margaret. She was in the room that we share; I mean where else would she be? Definitely not with our father. He works at a factory, but I don’t know what kind of factory. All I know is that they make parts for something in the kitchen and it pays him well enough. I’m proud of my dad because he worked his way up to the manager position, but he works himself way too hard and finds the hard way to unwind.

            Margaret is on her side of the room, which is filled with her toys and cute frilly things that every girl her age probably has. I find her sitting on our purple furry rug playing with Legos trying to make something but it’s not really working out for her. All she has going is a tall rectangle. I close the door behind me as I come and sit next to her. “What’s up curly-Q?” I ask and shake my hand on the top of her head, but all she does is look at me and giggle then goes back to her work. I give up on interacting with her because obviously her attention is already claimed by pieces of plastic. But we all were and are still entertained by such. Like me for example, because I’m just taking out my phone to text Nick and Carla. I was going to text Darcy but I decided against it.

            They’re all really good friends of mine and it’s weird how that turned out to be. I still don’t get how it turned out that way, especially over summer since that’s the time you don’t see these people like every day. Jenna was already kind of my friend, but not really. She is positively gorgeous. She has very curly, like Margaret, brunette hair. Her skin tone is so pale and she never tans, only burns. Which personally I never understood since to me burns always turned to tan, but whatever. I see no reason to question it really, no one does. But everyone seems to question her eyes. They’re two different colors, kind of. Jenna’s eyes are originally a very light blue, but then she got green colored contacts. They mixed to make an interesting eye color. She denies that though when people ask “Is that your real eye color?” She always answers, “Yes it is, now don’t look at them!” and then she ducks behind her arms. She just doesn’t want people to know. God only knows why.

            So other mostly because of her appearance, and she says that too, Jenna has become really popular. She totally changed her look in 7^th grade and all the guys noticed, hence instant popularity, which is weird. I wasn’t very popular so how did she and I start talking? Why, a mutual friend, of course. Sabrina is Jenna’s best friend and one of my new friends. Over time Sabrina tried to hook Jenna and I up, it kind of worked but never got us close. But over summer I’ve done it myself and things are going pretty well. I trust Jenna with everything and I’m always here for her. Especially now when she’s going through such excruciating pain.

            Jenna and Nick are dating. The have been ever since May and right now it’s August. I’d say their relationship is going pretty well, every time I sleep over at Jenna’s almost, he comes over in the middle of the night and sometimes he brings Darl. I would’ve never actually met Darl if it wasn’t for Sabrina, Jenna, Nick, and just a bit of Hanna.

            Now Hanna has nothing really to do with it other than the fact that this post was on her Facebook wall. It was a questioning thing that Darl answered and I forgot what it really was but it was something to do with Hanna wanting the sky purple. So I commented on it saying it should remain blue because blue is the best color there is. And hence a friendly war started between us on what’s the better color, blue or purple. Jenna and Sabrina joined in each picking a different color to favor, Sabrina picking blue with me.

            So one day Jenna called Sabrina over to her house, but I was at Sabrina’s. So she asked, “Can Callia come too because we’re kind of hanging out right now…” and Jenna said sure. So we got to her house and she said Nick and Darl are coming over. I was excited because I never seen Darl before. Apparently he went to the same school as us, but as of present day he won’t because he will be a freshman. Darl was nice and everything, but this may sound shallow, he didn’t quite look as I expected. He wasn’t fat, but not all together scrawny. His hair was short, blond, and spiked. And he had blue wired glasses, which I found highly ironic. So that’s how I and he met. I can’t remember how but he eventually did meet Carla and Darcy as well.

            Jenna helped me become closer to Carla too. Let’s just say, in 6^th grade I did not like Carla at all. I hated her short pig tails that she wore almost each day and her yellow jacket. I didn’t like her voice either. But then in 7^th grade math class we sat by each other and if one of us got an answer wrong on the homework, we’d sometimes help each other out. Also she was in my gym that year with Mr. White. We have last names that both end in R so when Mr. White made squads in alphabetical order, she sat one person away from me. She wasn’t that bad. And she also let her hair grow out and quit those pig tails and that yellow jacket for good.

            So in the way beginning of summer, like the first week, Jenna was at Carla’s house. Since Jenna and I were friends and I lived only a block away from Carla, Jenna called me over. I thought it’d be awkward since I barely knew Carla at the time. But it wasn’t, we all laughed and hung out. I was scared when Jenna left and I stayed, but we got along fine, making prank phone calls and stuff until I left too. After that, a couple days I saw her on Facebook chat and we talked some and I gave her my number. We got along since. She was also higher than me in the school social food chain, and so was Darcy, they were kind of in the same section. This was known as the Middle Section to Hanna.

            Darcy is one of the most outgoing people I have ever met. My friend Chelsea and I were at the park district park when Darcy came up to us because she was at her little step-brother’s baseball game which was right down the hill. She knew who we were, Chelsea because they had swim together or something and me because we went to the same school. So since she was so outgoing she programmed her number into my phone before she left and at first it was awkward and everything but we became so super close. We even went shopping and picked out the same shirt to wear to school on the last day (also what Jenna and I are doing for the first day of 8^th grade). Over summer she and I became the thing next to best friends.

            It’s hard not to be self-conscious around her though. She has a look that she doesn’t need any make-up to make guys want her. Though, I did interest her in eyeliner. But she looks better with it barely there. Her eyes are a deep brown and when she stares at you it automatically feels like she’s staring through you or into you. And whenever she walks faster than her quite slower pace her wavy/curly hair bounces. I’m always so jealous of anyone that has curly hair. But she says she’d rather have it straight, but so does every other girl with curly hair from what I hear.

Darcy also has a huge ass. She literally has an hour glass figure, but her ass is just big. We even named it Henry. And because she always makes fun of me having absolutely no butt, we named mine Harold.

Over summer I kind of got Carla and Darcy together and had them become friends and everything, thanks to the mall, where we usually hang out. And we also included Darl and Nick with us hanging out and everything.

Now here is something I do not get at all. I mentioned before how Jenna and Nick are dating, right? Well it came to a shock to basically everyone in our grade at school. Mainly because Nick was head over heels for Carla since the middle of sixth grade. Carla never really like him, so that’s what she told me. So when he and Jenna got together no one really believed at first. I guess I’m kind of glad they’re dating because Carla probably wouldn’t have gone to the mall with us and Nick if he still wanted her.

Nick is… well I don’t really know. I don’t really know how we met or became friends or anything. But I don’t see what it matters. All that I am grateful for great friends and great memories, which we definitely made this summer. All I’m hoping for is that school doesn’t change it all up.

When I’m home like this, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t leave, because of Margaret and there’s no one here to make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. Even if David was awake, I don’t really trust him to watch Margaret close enough or even take care of her properly. All he does is stay in his room and plays video games or whatever. I’m not really complaining about that, but you know, I’d love some help around here.

So anyways now there’s nothing to do. So I call over Tonya, the red-headed neighbor. We’ve been friends forever. When our family moved here, I was eight months old and she was already living here, her being only six months. Anyways, our moms were friends so we grew up together, hence being friends since the diaper times.

So I call Tonya over and of course it’ll be cool with my mom and her mom for her to just be here. She knocks on our door. When I fling the door open I say, “God you’re so polite. You could’ve just walked in you know, I wouldn’t have cared.”

“I don’t have a key, you idiot.” She replied. She always calls me an idiot so I just brush that remark off, she is my best friend. And I am hers.

“Uh, you still have our apartment key for when we gave it to you to watch our place.”

“Like I know where we put that.” She says and I got to give her credit, I don’t know where we put her house key either. “Where’s everyone?”

“Well you know my parents are working. David is asleep and Margaret is in my room wrapped up in her Legos. I swear those things can be used as weapons if they were angled right.”

My phone rings with a reply from Nick. I aim back a reply and watch Tonya head towards my room. She’s probably going to play with Legos too. Great, if I wanted another little kid here I would’ve called over Chelsea’s little sister, Karen.

I walk in and see that Tonya has actually diverted Margaret’s attention away from the Legos. Great, maybe she can take Margaret home and I won’t have to keep failing on making Margaret smile.

PAST- 10 years old

“Charley and Callia sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!” Chris sings as I chase after him on the playground. Charley is now sitting on a swing singing the same thing with Chris’s and my name.

            They are getting me so mad. I can’t get to them though. They’re on the other side of the swing set. Chris tries to swing the swing into my face, I block it with my arm though. It stings and hurts but I don’t let them know it, I just yell, “Shut up!”

            “Make us!” Charley shouts back.

            “I’ll just shove those words back down your throat!” I threaten. I take the swing and aim for them. They duck out of the way though

            “What? That doesn’t even make sense!” Chris yells at me. I screech and race towards them, cutting through the swing set. Then they start running. Chris can’t go far with his fat little body though and the playground is small. I mostly just aim for Chris since Charley is someone I go to school with.

The counselors are doing their own thing, barely looking at us. One of them though notices and made a small attempted on stopping me from chasing Chris. He stuck out his arm in front of my chest but I shoved his arm aside and kept my eyes on the target. This apparently shocked him and he got the other counselors attention, which was about 3 more pairs of eyes on us.

I finally reach Chris’s shirt and I grab it to make him stop running. “I’m going to hurt you!” I scream. I had so much rage in me, I was shaking. With a little war cry from my mouth and him protecting his face with his arms, I go after him with tiny fists. I barely hit him though, that same counselor that tried to stop me before was holding me back in kind of a hug from behind, but I know he wasn’t hugging me. He was trying to protect that little brat boy who keeps making fun of me.

            I struggle and squirm to get free but there was no point to it whatsoever. Chris and Charley get herded by the other counselors on the other side of the playground while I get to sit next to the one who stopped me on a bench for the rest of the time we were outside.

            I hate this camp. They don’t let you have any fun here.

            I sit there and pout while people give me weird looks when they think I can’t see them. I would like to punch them all. I hope my parents won’t be told, then I just might feel bad.

            “Callia, you’ve got to calm down. You can’t keep getting mad like this.” One of the counselors said, but I’m too busy pouting to pay them any mind. I stay focused in my world as I try to imagine what it’d really be like if no one stopped me.

Diary

8-10-10

So I decided to give keeping a diary a try. I need someone to talk to and be completely honest with, so why not a diary? I’ve tried to keep one before but they never seem to work out right. I either lose them or get bored. I’ll probably get bored with this one too. So anyways while I’m writing I might as well write what I’m think and feeling.

I really don’t think my mom cares. Maybe my dad either, I would know if I saw him more and if he was sober more. And I know for sure David can care less about me. Hell, I don’t even talk to him unless mom wants me to ask him what he wants for take-out or something like that. How old is he even?

I don’t know. It kind of makes me feel bad in a way. Like I let everyone down. Maybe I just didn’t care enough so they gave up? Maybe… oh well, why waste my time even bothering to wonder.

Eighth grade starts really soon and I’m kind of pumped. It’s a new year and everything will work out perfectly. I got classes with my closest friends, excluding Darl, and some cool teachers, excluding Ms. Young. Yuck, I hate her. I heard this year will be the best one of all middle school. It better, high school is going to be rough. Major. I so hope I won’t lose touch with my friends. I love them; they keep my feet on the ground.

I also hope Jenna gets better real soon. I love her so much and it kills me to see her in such pain and going through all of this. Also she’s going through it all alone, which must suck even more. She might get better. I mean it’s a total possibility. I don’t care if she says she’s basically already dead, she will make it through this even if I have to breathe my own life into her. She just will, no doubt allowed.

Okay well… there’s not really too much to say at this point so I’ll just go now.

-Callia Richardson