As the yelps of battle thratled in the distance Warriorflame, a White Leopard with deep Blue eyes zoomed across the bloody battlefield. As he got closer the pain and suffer of the cats grew with great disdain. "Warriorflame! Better not come here unless you want to get killed" Skyflame screeched across the distance as he thrashed with another Leopard as Warriorflame skidded across the bloody field in a haze of wonder. "What was the meaning of that horrible dream?" Although he had many answers to that mysterious dream only Purpleflame could really tell him what it really meant. As he paced through the dark, gloomy forest thunder rumbled instantly stopping the "First War." The cats growled then, each turned and headed back to their clan with a desease of hunger lingering around. As the mist got thicker, Warriorflame skidded to a halt as a huge Oak Tree erected in front of him. "Yep. This certaintly looks like Purpleflame's den, from what I've heard." Warrorflame thought. Then, as quick as the roaring thunder he walked in to find an old, ancient She-lion before his very eyes. "Welcome, young Warrior I've been waiting for you" the old Lion purred instantly signaling the return of the "Prophecy."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, Youngwriter82,
There's an awful lot going on in this short piece! From what I can gather, Warriorflame is having a dream about a battle, then he wakes from it, is confused, and goes to see Purpleflame about the symbolism of it. I hope that's right - but if I've got it a bit wrong, I hope that will serve to help illustrate the point I'd like to make: this is all a bit confusing.
That's okay, though. It's a good idea, it just needs a bit of rewriting to tell the reader about it in the best way. I've got some suggestions for how you could change it to make it a bit more reader-friendly.
First up - write more! You have a very short piece here, with a lot going on. There's no rush to reach the end - tell us a bit more about what's going on. You've told us what Warriorflame can see and what he thinks, and a little bit of what he can hear, but what about the other senses? What can he smell, what do things feel like to touch?
Next, having written more, it'd be good to give it a bit of spacing. That is, paragraphs. There's a very basic rule for paragraphs, and that is this: if you change time, or place, or person-doing-the-thinking, start a new paragraph. Not only does this stop your story being a big block of text (which is hard to focus on, especially on a computer screen), it helps break the story up in 'feel' - that is, your reader gets a 'feel' for when things are about to change, and so gets less confused when you tell them you're now in a different place to the last paragraph.
What else? Well, another kind of writing more: instead of telling us what Warriorflame is thinking directly ("xxx, he thought"), you could show us how he reacts to things. By this I mean: think about the way people use body language and things to show how they're feeling. For example, you can probably tell when one of your friends is feeling sad by the way they act, without them needing to say "I feel sad because I broke my laptop" explicitly. If you can work this kind of thing in, it's easier for the reader to imagine the character, than if you just told them what the character thought.
That's probably enough to go on for now. If you do rewrite this and post it again, do let me know - I'd be happy to review it again. Also feel free to message me if you have any questions about things I've said, or if you'd like me to do a spelling-and-grammar nitpick of the piece. I hope you have fun writing more about Warriorflame!
Cadi x
First off, I just want you to keep writing this because I want to see where you could take this and how you develop these characters. Call me crazy, but I'm already hooked!
I, as a reader, loved it; however, my inner editor caught a few things that you can take into consideration.
The bold really distracted me. Because of how bold is used in most prose, it made the whole thing seem like a teaser or opening scene.
At the same time, I really wish that you had used your italics to pull out some of the inner statements/thoughts that you captured with quotations. A lot of readers speed through passages and instantly think that things are being said aloud when accompanied by quotation marks. Don't hold me to this, but a few little words and titles were put in quotation marks that may not have needed to be. Just overall, it was a lot of quoting, and it overwhelmed the rest of the writing.
A little sidenote, desease of hunger is a striking and great phrase, but I believe the word you are referring to is disease.
I wish you would've more deeply developed your imagery and background. I did not feel extremely connected to these characters or what was happening to them throughout the piece.
Also, formatting really effects the maturity of a piece. Doing things as simple as separating your paragraphs will make your writing seem more appealing from the first glance.
Keep on writing! I can't wait to see what you write next!
First off, I just want you to keep writing this because I want to see where you could take this and how you develop these characters. Call me crazy, but I'm already hooked!
I, as a reader, loved it; however, my inner editor caught a few things that you can take into consideration.
The bold really distracted me. Because of how bold is used in most prose, it made the whole thing seem like a teaser or opening scene.
At the same time, I really wish that you had used your italics to pull out some of the inner statements/thoughts that you captured with quotations. A lot of readers speed through passages and instantly think that things are being said aloud when accompanied by quotation marks. Don't hold me to this, but a few little words and titles were put in quotation marks that may not have needed to be. Just overall, it was a lot of quoting, and it overwhelmed the rest of the writing.
A little sidenote, desease of hunger is a striking and great phrase, but I believe the word you are referring to is disease.
I wish you would've more deeply developed your imagery and background. I did not feel extremely connected to these characters or what was happening to them throughout the piece.
Also, formatting really effects the maturity of a piece. Doing things as simple as separating your paragraphs will make your writing seem more appealing from the first glance.
Keep on writing! I can't wait to see what you write next!
Separate paragraphs, also, might want to shorten names or make them into nicknames - so that they don't have to shout sentence-long stuff to each other in the heat of battle.