Please comment on this story to help me make it better
(i shall also be posting chapter 2 tomorrow)
The Mysteries of Magic
Living on the Hill of Legends
On the Hill of Legends a boy called Will sat at his window. The sky was darkening and the sun was setting.
The Hill of Legends was a place where many people went to the grave yards to see the magicians that lived in the past. There was only one left but nobody knew who it was. But what they did know was that it was definitely someone on the Hill of Legends. None of the magicians actually knew they were magicians until a staff appeared in their hands. The people that lived on the Hill of Legends needed a new magician soon because of the Dark Wizard in the Valley of Destruction. It was a place fitting for a Dark wizard because it had dead trees with no leaves creaking doors that alerted him when someone comes, and a big black castle with towers as tall as the sky.
The reason that nobody has killed the Dark magician yet is because he doesn’t need a staff to cast a spell. A magician’s main weakness is if somebody takes his or her staff.
When a magician dies the next baby born on the Hill of Legends is destined to be a magician so that way their legacy doesn't run out.
As life carried on the people on the Hill of Legends tried to summon a staff to see if they were destined to be the next magician, but a magician can’t summon a staff until they are a certain age that nobody knows, they think this is worked out on the ability of the mind.
As everyone on the Hill went home after a tiring day of trying to summon a staff, Will was gazing outside his window thinking. Will didn’t go up the hill with the others that day, he knew it was his duty to see if he would be the next magician but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it, so Will just sat in his room all day thinking. Some of the things he was thinking were stupid like trying to catch the evil wizard off guard to kill him. Other things Will thought of were not quite as stupid such as; most Magicians in history tried the spell to summon the staff at night, they also were the ones that didn’t need staffs.
The next day instead of waiting for his Mum to wake him up, Will went straight to the well on the top of the Hill. He tried the spell of summoning, nothing happened for a while but then… A deep mysterious voice said from inside the well
“Listen to my important rhyme,
Come back in two weeks time,
You’re the one to save your Town
At the End you will be crowned”
The voice then faded and when Will looked down the well, he could see nothing.
He then turned around and gasped; the whole village was right in front of him and at their head was a tall man dressed in iron, and at his waist a sword clung to his belt. The man Will now recognised as the campaign Leader Dagorus approached him and said “Well Son, what did the well say?”
Will told him that the well said for him to come back in two weeks time, but no more. The townspeople might, but Will didn’t trust him with his life.
As the days went on Will’s life went on normally, the only things that were different was that people kept asking him if he knew any spells yet, and that he was haunted by the fact that in two weeks time he would be going to the well again, to find out his fate.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Alright here is chapter 2as promised! Again please comment so i can continue getting better
Unleashed
The night had finally arrived. Will nervously sat at his window watching all the townspeople gathering around the well. They were all waiting for him to come out but Will wouldn’t, instead he waited for everyone to leave and once they did Will went straight outside to the well and tried the spell. All of a sudden it was like an invisible hand had just lifted him in the air, a long wooden staff with a shining ruby at the top suddenly appeared next to him, he didn’t want to grab it but he couldn’t help it, once he grabbed the staff he felt much more lifted and powerful, like he could destroy a town if he wanted to. He felt better and not so nervous about becoming a magician now, if he needed to destroy the Dark Wizard then so be it one zap and he‘s dead. A Will laughed at the idea; he knew he needed more training and made a mental note to ask the campaign leader about it.
The next day Will took his staff from under his bed and tried to find Dagorus. Will had to search for quite a while until he came across him talking to someone behind a barn. When Will approached Dagorus turned around and said to the man “excuse me I will talk to you later.”
The campaign leader then said this time to Will “so you got the staff eh?”
“Yes, and I was wondering how I am to cast spells.”
“Ah, I thought you might, come with me”
Nervously Will followed him until the campaign leader held up his hand; a signal to stop. Will looked up to see a gigantic house with a sturdy straw roof and black walls surrounding it. He then proceeded to follow Dagorus inside the door, on the inside the house was fairly plane, the walls were bare and the floor was made out of polished wood, tables and chairs stood in the centre and in the furthurest corner a chest; the most beautiful chest Will had ever seen, it had a perfect square shape with the same material as the floor and around it’s side was a gold plated lock. Dagorus following Will’s gaze beckoned him. “I see you have spotted my prized possession, why don’t you go open it.”
Will looked up and asked the campaign leader how he was to open it without a key but the he just laughed and said to touch it with the staff. Will then walked up to the chest and touched the smooth surface with the staff, to his amazement the chest opened. But what lay inside amazed even more; A book that looked as if it were made out of pure gold. Will then opened the book to the middle and a note fell out. He closed the book and then read the letter.
Greetings Magician
This book contains all the spells needed to know to defeat the Dark Wizard; it also contains other information that might come in handy in later years. I trust that this book will stay in possession of my dearest friend Dagorus until such time as a new magician arises, then this book is his or her rightful inheritance. Dagorus will instruct you in the basic ways of our kind, such as meditating which calms the spirit and the mind.
May you be successful in everything that you try in except for one thing so you still have something to strive for.
From your fellow magician
Marlock
Will re-read the letter three times before handing it to Dagorus; He spared a quick glance at it and nodded. “Well the sooner we start your training the better, follow me.”
Will and Dagorus went to a big field with long green grass. Dagorus then instructed Will in meditating, it was possibly the most boring thing Will had every done, but yet he knew it was important. After a few hours Dagorus told Will that in order to cast any spell you needed to be able to concentrate, and that was the point in meditating. Will went home knowing this and when he went to bed an hour before he started to meditate and now that he knew what he was doing it for he could actually concentrate on the purpose of doing this exercise.
The next day Will went to Dagorus for more training. As soon as he arrived Dagorus asked Will if he had been practicing his meditating last night. Will answered yes. “Good, you have done this well,” “Now, a magician can do anything when he or she has the proper concentration, I was instructed by Marlock in some of the most basic simple spells you shall find because I am warrior not a Magician.”
Now, without moving your hands concentrate the power within you to the ground. Let me show you”.
The campaign leader stiffened his back up straight, so he stood even taller and then he started to float. Will was just as surprised as speechless. After a few minutes he then went slowly back down to the ground. “Ok. Now you try, and I’ll tell you what if you can stay in the air for over ten seconds we won’t do any training tomorrow.”
So Will stiffened his back like Dagorus did; hoping it would give him an advantage, then he concentrated his power to the ground. Will started to rise up and up but then he looked down and saw the ground below him and panicked, resulting in Will losing his concentration and falling very hard onto the ground.
The campaign leader just sat there drinking his tea which had appeared from nowhere watching Will fail time and time again. Will tried a few more times but still couldn’t quite keep himself up there. He had no problems getting up but just couldn’t hold it.
After a while he got sick of Dagorus sitting there watching him and decided to ask how he could hold it up there. Dagorus was impressed that Will had asked, because a good magician will always ask for help when it is needed. He told Will that once he got up in the air he had to immediately change the force of the pressure to more to hold him up there. Will tried again and managed to hold it up there for three seconds, he was getting better now he knew how to hold it up there. He tried again and this time using a lot more pressure to try and hold him up in the air. Soon after he realized it wad a big mistake as he shot up into the air about six feet high and then fell with a huge thud, but even that made him more determined to succeed as he wanted to keep his but off the ground. A few hours later he still hadn’t got it up there for ten seconds but his record was eight so he was getting better. About five fails later Dagorus told him he had one more try left for the day. He tried once more and to his amazement he stayed up for twelve seconds, Will found that by equalising the pressure in all directions he could stay up in the air for longer. “Well done Will!” applauded Dagorus.
Will bowed slightly, already planning how he was going to use his day off.
Thank you for your post ginger,
i ALWAYS have that problem of telling and not showing! ALWAYS!
i have tried to fix it as best as i can, i hope its good enough for you.
Hm, first of all, welcome to YWS 'n' all that., You have to remeber to adhere to the four review rule for each post; it makes it fair to those who have posted and you also can give them tips.
Hm, I think this is your first post right? So, because of that fact, I shall do a step by step review because one; it's easier for me and two; it might be easier for you to understand and use.
First off; "A yellow sunset was setting..." I think maybe this could be re-worded not only to help with imagery, but also because you say "set" twice, hm? Okay, so maybe you could word it; "The yellow sunset was sinking away" or "A burning sunset sunk slowly away." I'm not so sure, you decide.
In the second paragraph, I think the fact that you repeated the beginning of the first kind of stalled the story a little. Maybe you could use something else? I'm actuaslly not so sure about this paragraph as a whole; it seems to be more tell and less show. Also, I think the names you have chosen for the different areas in the story are perhaps too dramatic? I'm not so sure.
Again, for the continuing two paragraphs, you are really telling and not showing.
"As everyone on the Hill, went home tired after a long day of trying to summon a staff Will was sitting up in his room by his window thinking." In this sentence, you have placed the comma in the wrong area. I think you should remove it and then move it after "home". Then I think you should place a comma after "Staff". Hm?
I love the little rhyme, maybe you should start writing some poetry too?
All in all, the idea was good, but I think that you could structure it a lot better. You need to show rather than tell and then this way, you can keep hold of the reader's attention and imagination.
Hope this helps,
GingerLove