Young Writers Society

YoungWalter wrote:Requiem to a Gambler


The gambler stalks the same old streets,

His pockets cold and bare.

He walks and walks to not go home,

Although he knows not where.



He reminisces of the days,

Before the cards and dice,

But to his cheek, a tear it brings,

As he recalls its price.



The others saw what came before,

A man of pride and wealth,

But as the years have crumbled by,

They've watched him risk his health.



At home in dark a woman waits,

Beside herself with grief.

The man she loved, for all his worth,

Became, from her, a thief.



She knows one day he won't come home,

Drowned in river or lake,

But each night the same game she plays,

Until the long day breaks.

You're a good writer, i loved this.

Hello!

He walks and walks to not go home,

So there are a couple of things you could mean here: is he walking so he doesn't have to go home? Or is he walking, but not home? Or...maybe there's not supposed to be a difference? IMO this should be rephrased so it's not as awkward. Like walks not to go home or not going home or whatever, but right now (I think it's the preposition, the TO) it sounds weird and not grammatically correct.

But to his cheek, a tear it brings,
As he recalls its price.

The price of what? The price of the cards and dice, of course, it must be - but since you just said the days gone by and the way it's phrased, when he was successful, etc, it makes me think the price of those days, and then I get confused, because...etc, etc. Also, he should already be thinking about the price, as he's thinking about the good old days which he lost, so I don't think recalls is the right word here. The but right here as well; what if you ditched the last line and instead wrote something about...I dunno, he was thinking of the old days and then remembered that they're gone forever and it brings a tear to his cheek, or something?

as the years have crumbled by,

Good word choice here, the crumbled, I mean. I like it.

They've watched him risk his health.

Okay, I don't like this line. And why? Because health? Health is not what you're risking with gambling - at least not directly - that's more alcohol or drugs, and that's what I think of. I think you chose the word because it rhymes with wealth, which is bad, because it sacrifices meaning. It doesn't work.

I do that all the time, and it sounds horrid because it's all forced and stuff. Besides this bit, you've done the rhyme quite well, but it's just off here and bad - if you need to, you could change the word wealth as well.

Drowned in river or lake,

Not sure if this is a typo or on purpose, but you should have an article here - a river or lake. Otherwise, it's too few syllables, and it sounds wrong anyway.

Until the long day breaks.

Love the ending. It conveys such a futility, like "another day, and another, and another..." Makes me think of the two being trapped in a horrible cycle, which of course they are.

So, despite what all my lengthy and picky comments above might suggest, I like this quite a lot. It's a simple concept, with fairly simple language, which is why it's so nice that it's written well. Just see if you agree with what I said. I find it always helps to read a poem out loud a couple of times, so you can hear what sounds okay and what doesn't.

Anyway, hope this helps! Good luck.
-Mars