Published April 27, 2009
Silent Hero
Buckled legs, laboured breath,
She fights to stand so tall.
Her journey in life has neared its end
But strong of pride she held.
In her youth her hair had shone
A golden stream of blonde,
But now in times of bitter age
Once envied gold turns grey.
Her searching eyes, though still youthful to a glance
Are now blind and lost in dark,
The expression they hold as mournful and harsh
As a woman who has lost her pride.
Ill as she is, she offers her hand to strangers
And tries to stand and follow if they walk by,
But as the cold wind touches her bones, she shakes and knows,
Her autumn has passed, and the winter will be cold.
She never said much, although she saw and heard everything,
Always discreet and never judgmental,
My confident, My friend, My companion to the end,
As loyal to her family as any bitch could be.
(Dedicated to Cass, my loyal golden retriever dog for the last 15 years who is sadly reaching her end)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! ^_^ I'm Audy, if you have any questions, need anything, just let me know.
I agree with what's been said above. Some of your sentences read somewhat awkwardly.
To add to the list:
I had to read this line several times in order to finally get what you meant, mainly because the structure is so ambiguous. i.e.
Once envied, gold turns grey (what? x_X)
Once, envied gold turns grey (Huh...?)
Once-envied gold, turns grey (Ohhh!)
It's fairly simple to fix. Add 'the' in front of the line, problem solved. "The once envied gold turns grey"
Same thing here:
Are you trying to say that her eyes are youthful at a glance? I have no idea what you're trying to say.
I absolutely loved this line
Why are you capitalizing the M in my? It's distracting xD
Anyways, other than those little things, it's a very good poem. Loved the plot and the imagery. The second read-through was real enjoyable after catching those little things like 'buckled legs' and following strangers.
Keep writing!
~Audy
While a very moving poem, and well written in parts ,my main complaint was the lack of flow. Each verse seemed to be just about to hit stride, and then would stop as if it ran into a brick wall. What gives?
In a few places, your wording is wrong or awkward - "confident" for "confidant," for example, and "strong of pride she held" feels incomplete. Don't be afraid to let sentences run across verses - enjambment is needed in this poem, I feel, to make it connected and to follow the rhythm that's lurking in each verse.
Otherwise, though, quite well written and I especially love the fourth stanza. Nice use of imagery
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Welcome to YWS! I'll look forward to reading some more of your work.
Hey, I liked your poem, especially that nice twist at the end. I just have a few grammatical suggestions:
"But strong of pride she held."
"strong of" sounds strange, possibly "filled with" or simply "proud" by itself, "strong with" or, if your going another direction with it "But with strength from pride she held"?
.
"As a woman who has lost her pride."
You are using "pride" again, not that it's bad, but I feel you must adequately identify that you are contradicting the previous statement. But if it's the same dog at the same age, would she be able to have pride in her posture, and then lose it in her eyes?
"Ill as she is, she offers her hand to strangers"
Again, sounds messy. Maybe "Although ill" instead of "Ill as she is"?
"My confident, My friend, My companion to the end,"
"confident" should be "confidant," if I'm not mistaken.
"(Dedicated to Cass, my loyal golden retriever dog for the last 15 years who is sadly reaching her end)"
Good post script.
Good luck to your dog!