These days are the days I seem....alone. As if I am the only horrible embryo in this dark and cold universe.Then there are days where I see "her" she is the only thing that has been on my mind and I know she is only a figment of my imagination and that I will only be able to see her in my dreams but I don't care...I don't care simply because I feel that she is somewhere close and that may be a false lie I tell myself to ease the pain but it's better than the dark and lonely world.Angel is her name and..and I love her
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Hiya! Space here for a review!
I really did enjoy this poem, especially lines like "As if I am the only horrible embryo in this dark and cold universe" (I always love a good metaphor/simile), and "I tell myself to ease the pain but it's better then the dark and lonely world", meaning you/the protagonist would rather feel pain then venture out into the hostile, cold world.
Though, I do have some suggestions. Try writing your poetry in stanzas, so it is easier to read and flows better.
Great job on this poem, I genuinely enjoyed it! I hope to see more of your literature later on.^^
-Space the Snickerdoodle
Thanks for sharing this melancholy poem about a loneliness that is more bearable whether person imagines that there is a special someone out there somewhere who cares. It very effectively conveys both the loneliness and the hope that yearnings for companionship will be satisfied. In some cases that imagined person might be referred to as the dream-woman. Actually, thee is a popular sone that has the phrase “dream lover”.
Suggestions:
[seem....alone.] Four periods are used to mean that the missing material; leads to a sentence ending not to another word.
I see "her"[.]
[S]he is....
false lie[.]
....care[.]
These days are the days I seem....alone. As if I am the only horrible embryo in this dark and cold universe.Then there are days where I see "her" she is the only thing that has been on my mind and I know she is only a figment of my imagination and that I will only be able to see her in my dreams but I don't care...I don't care simply because I feel that she is somewhere close and that may be a false lie I tell myself to ease the pain but it's better than the dark and lonely world.Angel is her name and..and I love her
Hello YoungPsycho! Welcome to YWS. You can always ask me if you have any questions about this site.
I notice that you put this... story? (I'm going to go with story for now) under dramatic. I think that drama is really what you're lacking here. There's a little bit of build-up -- "I'm all alone, all I have is her, she's imaginary but I don't care" and then you say "I love her", but it has no power to it. I think you could make this a lot more emotional and give it some real power, oomph.
I don't think you need to say days twice here. "These days I seem..." should be good enough. It's a good start, but you just have to escalate after that. It needs to be a taking off point!
I think you transition rather abruptly here. You start off saying that the narrator feels alone, then elaborate a little bit, but not that much. You could use another sentence, perhaps, expanding on the feeling of loneliness. Is it bitter? Angry? Sad? When I'm alone, I'm usually bitter about it, there's a sort of sense of abandonment to it. You're writing in first person, so there's potential for some more feelings to go along with it! Also, "horrible embryo" is sort of an odd description. It's hinting, I feel, that the narrator doesn't like him/herself with the horrible bit, and then embryo is just out there. You could explain that imagery a bit, or supplement with other imagery.
Yikes, that's a bit of a run on sentence. If it's going to be train of thought, that's fine, but I think that a bit of punctuation throughout would be good. It can really change the sense of the sentence, give it a bit more of a flair without even changing the words! Speaking of punctuation, I'm not sure why her is in quotation marks. To my mind, it would make a lot more sense for her to be italicized, since you're emphasizing that the narrator sees her. See? Another thing you could expand on is the figment of the narrator's imagination part. Is this mysterious girl an imaginary friend? The memory of a real person who died? Does the narrator think of her as real, despite knowing she's not? There are lots of places you could go with that, but at the moment the reader doesn't know much about this girl, and thus I at least didn't feel very emotional when the narrator confessed that he loved her.
I don't think you need to repeat the "I don't care", or, if you do, use some stronger punctuation. Example: "I don't care! I don't care... simply because" It makes the repetition feel a little less redundant. The narrator also switches back and forth a little too much in this section. To paraphrase: "She's been on my mind, but she's only in my imagination, but I don't care because she's close by, but that might be a lie, but it's better that way." See what I mean? I understand that the narrator could be torn over an issue, but the narrator clearly thinks that she makes his life better, so maybe you should make that his/her stance and have it read more like this: "I only see her in my imagination, that's what people say. It doesn't matter whether they're right or not because I know that she's somewhere close by -- I can feel it." If the narrator has a bit of a stronger opinion, it could give the story more of an impact.
Again, the "I love her" bit just doesn't have the impact it needs to. It can be a good ending if the middle is boosted enough to make the readers care about that love, to care about that ending. The first part, "Angel is her name and..." seems a little out of place. It would make more sense if you said "she is my angel", since she seems to save the narrator. Maybe you could structure it such that her name has meaning. I'm curious: did the narrator invent her name, or did she already have a name? Again, there's not much we know about her and we could use some more.
Sorry if that was a little harsh! You can let me know if you have questions about anything, I'm always happy to talk with you about it.
-Q