Published January 23, 2010
Okay, thanks so much for all the reviews and help you guys on my original poem!! I can't thank ya'll enough for it. I knew it sounded awful, but I had no idea to fix it. 
SO, I took your advice and did my best to make a whole new poem. Now, I waited this time to finish it completely before I decided to post it. So tell me what you think of this one.
***William stares at the floor
While he sweeps away
All the dirt that had gathered there
On the previous day
Little did his masters know
His work for them would soon be done
As he gathered the slaves
And to freedom they’d all run
When his master was in his bed
His plans were carried out
While his master thought him to be working
He was helping slaves take a different route
If we do this in a short time
And all things go as planned
We’ll follow up the North Star
And it’ll lead us to the Promised Land
Tension was around every corner
What would they do if caught?
What would they say if
Things didn’t go as thought?
It’s a chance we’ll have to take
To the question was their reply
We’ll run in the night led by
All the stars dancing in the night Sky
It was a risky decision
When you left you had to cover your tracks
You were either in or out
Once gone, there was no going back
The fear inside continued to burn
But they knew they had to stick with the trip
They had their goal in mind
Through their fingers, freedom would not slip
As the slaves began to run
And the amount of slaves started to decrease
Their masters knew it wouldn’t be long
‘Till slavery began to cease
All the slaves that made that decision
To stand up and fight
Is what made us united
Instead of in black and white***
Okay, some footnotes. "William" was supposed to be William Still, The Father of the Underground Railroad. And I don't know if the lines will show up like they're supposed to when I post this, but all the lines are in order like they're supposed to be. So it's not the lines. 'Kay, so what do ya'll think of this one??
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Canary word: Present
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141,475 Literary Works • 674,498 Reviews
A lot better. Well done.
Now that your structure is here we can read this with fluency and you've still maintained that pace. I don't know if you've combatted the effect entirely yet and a few alterations of language could improve the read. Other than this it was excellent and a great improvement. Keep up the brill work!
Ben.
This is much better! It looks like a proper poem, you rhyming is good and it flows nicely. Plus, you don't spread yourself too thin - you took one idea and focused on it, and this works much better. I think the fourth and sixth stanzas need quotation marks to show someone is talking, and the seventh stanza could do with saying "they" instead of "you" because even though it's a universal "you", it's a tad confusing at first because it looks like you've changed perspective. Apart from that though, this is great - a big improvement.
I am sure your original poem was fine. This is very well-written. You are able to write a poem and tell a story with it. There are no forced verses and your line structure is even throughout the entire poem. I look forward to reading more of your works. Keep up the good job.