a blackbird's song before the south.

Hey Native!

I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review. No worries, all writing is flawed, and nothing can ever be perfect. I suggest you edit the title so that each word is capitalized, like this: "A Blackbird's Song Before the South". No period in the title, though.

Stanza One

The first line did not have a clear cut meaning for me. What do you mean houselights are 'entombed'? By that I interpreted that the lights were turned on. The only reason I mention this is in case this is not what you intended, and that way you can clear it up.

Nice use of 'effloresce'!

Stanza Two

Stanza two was very visual, and very well written. A few things need some work, I wouldn't say 'warm air', because all that tells us is that the air is warm. I think you could find something more specific. That's a nit-picky detail.

Stanza Three

One big pet-peeve of mine is 'poet speak'. That's when someone words something a certain way to make it 'sound like poetry'. In this poem, the line is 'so it shall be.' It's perfectly fine, and just as 'poetic' to say 'this is how it is', or something like that. Poetry doesn't lie in the way words sound. That's important, and it can effect the way the poem is read, but the real 'poetry' in poetry is the way the reader relates to the imagery, the story, and the way new ideas are expressed in a fresh new way.

Stanza Four and Five

At this point, when I was reading the poem, I realized you have a lot going on. You cover a broad range of emotions. I think you'd be well off to center in on one of these ideas, instead of spreading yourself thin. Right now the themes of this poem were:

Confusion

The futility of amends.

A lack of control.

That's what I gathered, anyway.

I enjoyed your poem! You used some great imagery, and wonderfully chosen words. I'd like to see you hone in on a central theme, but it's your poem. Do what you want with it. Keep writing, and have fun!

Ok,
Firstly, you really need to watch your grammar and spelling. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean you don't need need to follow the basic rules of grammar. So put in capitals at the start of sentences and for I etc. Also I think you could maybe consider changing the lay out of it a bit. It feel a bit messy to me.

Secondly, I really enjoyed this. It was good and interesting. Very full of imagery. It has a certain magical feel to it. I'm not sure if that is what you were going for and if not then I'm sorry.

Thirdly, I loved the rhetorical question at the end. It sort of makes you reread the poem in a way to understand it more. Which I loved.

I'm sorry this is kinda short but I hope it was of some help to you!

Nargles xx

Thank you. That means a lot.

I really, really loved this. It was so beautiful, kind of took me too another place ...
Except for the capitalization errors and punctuation in odd places ... that ruined it just a little bit ... but you say you wrote it quickly so I can understand ^^" I could point out a couple I noticed though ...

In, "it all seems to effloresce before me. so blunt yet gentle," it would make more sense to have a comma after "me" and maybe a dash after gentle?

I'm not sure if you used all lowercase to give it a certain effect, but with this one I would recommend starting each sentence with a capital letter.

Anyway, great poem!! Keep writing!