[Pain]
I lurk through your heart
Trying to make happiness
In your heart fade away
Trying to conquer all
And take over.
When you have just a
Little bit of happiness
I make anger run through
Your veins and sorrow cover your heart.
You can't run away from me.
I am the inevitable.
So your life before
May have been great
But i ruined it.
I am the cause of everything
Anger
Sorrow
Hurt
.........
PAIN
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First, I'll start with some praise. This reminds me of "I Was His Slave", one of the first poems I wrote, and still one of my best. Because I am slightly egotistical, pretty much any comparison to my own work means you're doing something right.
However, I agree that the concept could use a lot of expansion. I'm not absolutely certain who/what "I" is. Is "I" the negative emotions? Or some outside source that causes them for some reason? Make this clearer. Also, give "I" a personality. What does he/she/it do to "you" that causes all these bad feelings? How does "you" react? What's motivating "I" to be so darn evil anyway?
Back to praise. I liked the same lines that OverEasy quoted.
Overall, not a bad start, but this could be so much more powerful if you made the story stronger and added more imagery. Keep writing!
First Impressions:
In truth I see where you were trying to go with this, however right now you aren't bringing us in enough to really make the message stick. You have a few good lines of imaginary here, however a lot of it is just sort of random words.
See here, you say the words, but as a reader I am not feeling what you are, so they mean little to me. I want you to create a picture, how does your narrator make this person angry? Why do they feel sorrow? At this point all I know is that they do, but I don't know how you are causing it, therefore I have no emotion for your narrator.
Give me a picture, create a story with your poem
Right here you start to give us something really great, you play with the idea of giving us a really great poem, and then you go back to your "tell" theme. Play with you're ability to create a setting in your poetry, I know you have it in you.
Basic Tone
Right now the thing I would press the most is to work on your imaginary, try reading some poetry. There are some really great works on this site, not to mention a few really great user groups designated for poets
The next thing I would like to talk about is word choice. Here you are repeating yourself a lot, and there are better ways to say what you are trying to get across. Try the Thesaurus it's a great reference to use when you find you are repeating yourself.
Another way to become a better poet is to review other peoples poetry. Get down, dirty, and detailed in your reviews, and I swear it will make you a better writer.
Best of luck,
OverEasy