Young Writers Society

@AilahEvelynMae

:3

Oh gosh I love this a lot, it’s like the character is afraid of the person they hate becoming them and having to go through everything they went through-their trauma, love, hate, life itself. It shows in just around a minute a rollercoaster of emotion of hate, anxiety and acceptance. Wonderful work @Youbeaucupid!!

Hello friend : ) here to leave a small review, I hope that’s okay this early into the New Year.

I have to admit, the first time I read this, a few days ago, I didn’t like it very much. Not because it’s bad. On the contrary, because I felt personally attacked. But now that 2024 is here and I’ve come to terms with the impossibility of life, I am able to appraise it with some objectivity.

To start with, I want you to imagine me clapping for you in a theatre seat somewhere (I dunno what famous theatres there are in Kansas). I consider it proof of some level of poetic achievement that you have the ability make people feel things with words. That’s more important than a wide vocabulary, I think. Without that little spark of something extra, words on an internet page are just words on an internet page, with no power over me or my brain chemicals.
I liked that you used the whole pronoun game trick thing. Do I suspect that there is an alternate version of the speaker “I” under the scooby doo mask? Yes. Do I know for sure until the sixth stanza? No. And that allows me to get a feel for the relationship between “Me” and “You” without all the emotional baggage of being versions of the same person. It allows the writer to outline the emotional complexity of harbouring negative emotions towards yourself without imposing the unnecessary cognitive strain of having to separate two parts of a whole on the reader. This, combined with the way the poem develops, with thematic breaks in the form of shorter stanzas that feature variations of what is essentially the same sentiment, reminds me of the way you develop an argument in an opinion essay or a speech: taking all of these separate parts that mirror bits and pieces of the others, and fitting them together into an understandable whole in the grand conclusion.

As far as constructive criticism goes, what I did notice was that some sentences didn’t flow as well as they could have. “Now lost in this grown-up fight”, “To become an adult who doesn’t know wrong from right” and “Now hiding tears that only I find”, for example, feel quite clunky. That being said, I understand the struggle of fitting syllables and phonemes into verses in a way that phonetically and rhythmically agrees with the whole – god knows I have issues with it too. I’ve found that sounding the poem out helps me out with it, if there’s any bit of advice I could offer. Different things work for different people, of course, and overall, the poem comes together quite well.

I wish the best of luck into the beginning of January : ). Happy writing!
The blob.

Hey Cupid! I'm here to leave a short review for your poem here!

I love this poem, the concept behind it is interesting, how someone hates someone else because they are becoming them. The poem is a story of how they start at the beginning of the poem hating the person and describing why they hate them. As the story progresses, they hate the person less, until they say at the end of the poem that that actually don’t hate the person, but are scared that they will eventually become them.

I really like your use of repetition, the poem repeats itself four times, the first three where the person says they hate the other, and why they think so. In the last two stanzas, the main character says that they don’t hate the person, and why. So the repetition makes the ending more of a surprise, as the whole poem was saying why the person hated the other. I also liked the fact that the verb to describe how the girl asked why she was hated was different each time. It was clever that you were about to come up with a different word for each time.

I also thought it was clever that the main character described how they first hated the girl’s face, and they described different aspects of their face, and then how they they hated how the girl thought inside. They tell how they hate both their physical and mental appearance.

Then you wrote how the character hated the girl personally for something she did, and how it affected the main character, and they weren’t just silently hating her.

Your poem also rhymed here and there, and I’m not sure it was intentional or not, but you did a good job of having them make sense and rhyme as well, which is hard to do.

One thing I think you could improve on is that the poem could use more imagery and figurative language. You described things with unique adjectives, but I think adding similes or metaphors might give it more detail and depth. For example, you could compare the girl’s smile to a lantern in the dark, instead of being just bright.

Overall, I think this was a very well crafted poem, with interesting themes and a sort of sad ending. I hope to read more of your writing in the future! Keep writing and happy New Year!