by YouWishYouHadThis

Published September 9, 2011

 

 

 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Mikko
Comment
Mikko commented Comment · Sep 9, 2011

Boo, you missed a spot. here let me add one little correction:

I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I Yell "Help Help" I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.


And please try to fix the 'every-word-starts-with-a-capital-letter-thing'. Sure it looks nice, but it's not right.

Apart from your grammar, I think this was a nice piece, just work on the grammar and it could become very interesting.
I was actually quite confued because of your grammatical errors and I think they stop this from being the great piece it could have been. Please touch up on the mistakes we pointed out!

Keep writing!

- Mikko.

User avatar
Mikko
Review
Mikko wrote a review Review · Sep 9, 2011

Boo, you missed a spot. Here let me add some little corrections:

I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I Yell "Help Help!" I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.


And please try to fix the 'every-word-starts-with-a-capital-letter-thing'. Sure, it looks nice, but it's not right.

Apart from your grammar, I think this was a nice piece, just work on the grammar and it could become very interesting.
I was actually quite confued because of your grammatical errors and I think they stop this from being the great piece it could have been. Please touch up on the mistakes we pointed out!

Keep writing!

- Mikko.

Keep writing!

- Mikko.

User avatar
Boolovesyou
Review
Boolovesyou wrote a review Review · Sep 9, 2011

Hey Wish,

My only real problem with this is GRAMMAR! You need it desperately. I think I got what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure. As for context its okay. Personally I think its a little melodramatic, and not self explanatory. Seriously, grammar is the back bone to writing, and you can't successfully get you're ideas across with out it. Watch how you cut your lines, especially if there is no grammar.

Example of added grammar:

I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I "Yell" Help Help I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.

Random avatar
lele253isme
Comment
lele253isme commented Comment · Sep 9, 2011

Wow, I think this is going to be my favorite poem of yours!!!



don't try me bro
— Seirre