Published August 29, 2011
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138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey, it was a very interesting poem, the title really drew me in... Window, simple and very open. I didn't understand something's though... For example 'don't hurt me, I'm not hurting you, I want to help you'
I'm sure you had some deep feelings you wanted to come across to the audience but I don't think it was very clear to the audience... but apart from that LOVED IT!!!
Keep writing, you'll never be sure where it gets you!!
Love,
EvensLily xxxxxxxxx
Hi again YouWishYouHadThis
It's a very nice poem but I think it so repetitive! >.<
That bugged me so much!
I mean each line I read it becomes so repetitive.
I thought there might be somewhere little more words other than 'Look out of the window.' :S
You could have added some more to it.
You're poem:
These three lines are the lines of a conversation, I think?
Because it's really confusing. So I prefer you to put it in > " <
So everything we be sorted out =)
Overall, I think you need to make some changes here and there.
And I as I told about the conversation part. Fix it
Would give this a 7/10.
Again, Nice Poem & Keep Writing!
Love,
Cookie
Hey there, here as requested! Just to let you know, I'm not much of a poet myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Now, your poem was sweet and simple, which was nice. It seemed that you lacked any sort of structure to it, though. You started a pattern of every other line being "Look out of the window" and towards the end that pattern changed and then disappeared altogether. It's not a major problem, but I just really noticed the inconsistency and it kind of bothered me.
Something else I'd suggest is not capitalizing every word -- there have been studies that show that it's much harder to read a sentence where every word is capitalized, instead of being all lowercase. I know that I had trouble staying focused on the work while I read it, so I'd suggest fixing that and making it easier on your readers.
I don't see the point of this sentence. Is this some foreign word that you're enunciating? It seems very random in the flow of your poem already, so I'd cut it out.
I got confused during this part; it seems like two different people (the narrator and the person he's addressing) are talking, and it's difficult to differentiate between the two. If the poem is suddenly switching to two people talking, I'd suggest making a new line/stanza/whatnot to emphasize the fact that something is different here and it's not holding to the pattern we've been reading all along.
One last thing -- there were a couple of places where you used the wrong version of "your/you're." Whenever you write that word and you're not sure which one to use, just replace the word with "you are" and see if it makes sense; if it does, then use the contraction form (you're); if it doesn't, then use the possessive form (your).
For example, if I have the sentence: "Your car is fast," and I'm not sure whether I've used the right spelling, I simply plug in "you are", like so: "You are car is fast." Well, that doesn't make any sense, so I know it's "your" I need to use. Try to keep that in mind when you come to that word.
All right, so that's all I've got to say. Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.
Cheers!
~Hawk
Hello! I'll rate your poem as good
I find it easy to understand. Well done! I can just see correction:
"Your With Me" This is the common mistake I always see. It must be "you're" and not "your" because "you're" means "you are."
Hope it helps. Keep writing! xD
I found this poem easy to read in some ways, but I didn't find it very satisfying. It was a bit too repetitive which could be fixed by changing the format of the lines- you could keep the 'look out of the window' the same but maybe jumble around the words in the second line, and add some more juicy words in. Also, you don't need to have every word with a capital letter- at the start of each line is fine if you need to.
I just didn't find it very captivating because the words had no sparkle to them- try to surprise the reader by using words that not many people use.
The whole point of poetry is to bring a new take to things that we haven't read before, so I think you should bring some surrealism and fantasy into this to make us thing a bit more!
But you have the beginnings of a good poem... keep writing!
Hey there, Chad.
(It was Chad, wasn't it? D: ) Bud!
Anyway, seems I've finally gotten around to reading your poem. I know, I'm slow aren't I. A bunch of others have already gotten to this before I have, but that's alright. I'll still try and give this my personalized version of a review. So here we go, on with it.
Now I seem to notice a sort of pattern going on with your poetry. It's simplistic, but in my eyes it also lacks a certain larger depth. Simple can be a bit obvious and tricky to nail just perfectly believe it or not sometimes. Which is weird, because you think it might be the other way around. In actuality I think had you been more elaborative with this, the poem itself would have gone a lot farther.
This of course brings me to the way this was set up. I can appreciate the pattern and mold you've attempted to fit it in with the whole "Look out of the window" bit, but as I read on it became easy to see holes in the writing. You mix scenery in then personal things and then some scenery things, and read together the way it is doesn't seem to fit coherently together in places. In a whole, anyone can see the effort in the imagery blended in with the speakers point and the whole metaphoric meaning and such. But when I take a closer look, it just seems a bit choppy.
In essence, I guess that's the only real general problem I have with this though. On the upside, it is really sweet and young. Youthful poetry tends to carry its own sort of attitude. There's a sense of some endearing naivity, which I like. I think it could use a bit sprucing up as a more serious poem, but if sweet and youthful was what you were striving for, you've got it on lock. Though even then, I'd still consider polishing this up so it flows in one coherent on spot message. A little less vague would be great. Don't be afraid to elaborate on feelings and visual references. It's what tends to make poetry so beatiful. Play with your words a little more to paint a larger scene.
Oh wait, I forgot to mention the ending! Yes, there was a moment when I was wondering how it was suppose to fit in with the length of the rest of your poem. It seemed like you were trying to paint an almost playful scene of getting the person the speaker is referring to to come to him and to be with him and it led me on into thinking it'd end on a completely different note than what it did. But I don't know, maybe that's just me. I'd like to maybe see if you could try a different ending. See how something else might fit.
But anyway, sorry if anything I said sounded a bit blunt or just made absolutely no sense at all. Sometimes I ramble and then look back at what I've typed and am baffled at myself. ^-^ If you can see the time of the post, you can probably guess that it's late, and I do less sugar coating when I'm sleepy. x] Hope anything I've said may be helpful to you if even for future writing endeavers!
-Smylin'
Hi there! nice poem you got there. Best poem I've read so far.. its got some rhythym in it.. how did you come with it.. what inspired you to write this poem? it's beautiful, I wish I knew how to do that, I have a hard time writing my poems.. I've got some written down but they need alot of re-editing to do. I've got to start reading more poetry from different authors so I can put my ideas together and come up with better ones.
Other than that, I gotta say your poem gave me some good ideas on a good poem, brainstorming's always helpful
Okay, so I read your poem. I can say that it's very dramatic (Compliment). I couldn't find any faults except,
You've put quite an effort into this. I think the repetition of 'Look out of the window' gives your poem a special touch. It's your own style so hats off to you for that! All in all, it's filled with emotion and drama (as I said before). Keep writing and you'll definitely improve in no time. And goodluck for future posts. 
'Your with me' should be 'You're with me'
'Your behind me' should be 'You're behind me'
That's all.
I love this poem!!! Its very, very, good!! I love the way you describe an action after every word!! Nice reading this!!
Well this is very interesting and has lots of potential. I love the theme 'Look out of the Window' but it got a bit repetitive. I suggest breaking it into stanzas where half of the poem is not just that line. It was also erratic. One second here and the next WAY WAY over there. Make it more focused. What is the central point, what is the message. Last nitpick, I hated the last line. It left me hanging and I was like "ohhh... he just did that" but not in a good way. There was no closure. Other than those things it was good and I can see you taking this much farther. (P.S. Sorry if any of this sounds cruel or mean I really did like it and I'm just trying to help)
Your Always, Writer.
Hello there!
First off, I just want to say that I think this would be a lot more pleasant to read if you separated each set of two lines into individual stanzas. It would give natural pauses between lines and make it easier on readers.
So, what I'm basically saying is that it would look like this:
Etc.
Aside from that, I like the repetition. It emphasizes things that you want emphasized.
I'm really not sure how I feel about this. It doesn't really work how you have it. I think it would work better if you put the real word (I'm assuming this is in some other language?) by itself and have a footnote explaining it. The way you have it right now really disrupts the flow of the poem.
Overall, you have a nice idea that conveys a wonderful message. Once you fix those little things, it will be just that much better. Keep writing!
~Devan
Alright. I crossed out all the 'of's because it flows much better without them. This was a neat poem, a little repetitive, but still quite good. I think it could be improved by adding descriptions of the things the person sees. For example:
It would make your poem all the more strong. Anyways, nice work, hope this helped!
Haha... Hi there my friend. Pretty interesting poem. But I wonder who's talking... and to whom? Is it a kid to his daddy? Or a boy to a girl? Hmm... I guess I'll just take it however I want to. NEAT! ^_^ And the ending leaves me in suspense. O.O
Good job, buddy. *loves your poems*