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seashells

by Yoshikrab



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267 Reviews


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Thu Feb 18, 2021 10:52 pm
silented1 wrote a review...



Okay, so your rhyme is good, it makes sense. But, your flow between rhymes is off sometimes.

So, you're second line is a little off, but it's a good scene. Well done. Try removing the word try, it throws off the line. In some meter analysis: You go from unstressed to stress over and over, but you add a 3rd stress with to then it alternates making it sound bad. You do the same thing in the fourth line with the word finger. It goes away if you speed up after the extra stress. Either way, if you want it spoken well for most people, you should learn how to balance the stresses. I recommend buying an epic poem and doing meter analysis on it. Try to read the poem in different ways and keep doing stresses and unstresses.

In the second stanza I would change the words plead and pleas and pain, because they're throwing off the idea. They add meaning to the poem, plead does not mean ask for, but it's also asking for something in a desperate way. It makes sense but it doesn't flow because you used in desperation before. Pleading is desperation. Maybe it's the redundancy.




Yoshikrab says...


thank you for the review!



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Thu Feb 18, 2021 5:34 pm



This poem is beautifully written. I love the glimpse of hope at the end, and the meaning behind the poem. AAA very good!!!! very good.




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Thu Feb 18, 2021 4:18 pm
nightshadows says...



I loved you sonnet!!!great work!




Yoshikrab says...


thank you!



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Thu Feb 18, 2021 12:58 am
TheScribe wrote a review...



Hey, Yoshi! I'm here to review your lovely sonnet! c:

there is no borders

is should be are given that borders is plural.

I think that your couplet at the end is a bit out of place. The first line is a dependent clause, and even when they are together, they seem out of place with the rest of your sonnet. It seems that your sonnet focuses on death, worrying, storms-- seashells.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




Yoshikrab says...


thanks for the review!



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Wed Feb 17, 2021 1:12 am
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quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hi Yoshikrab! I love sonnets, and can't wait to dive into this one!

My favorite line is by far your fourth:

our tears leak from our fingers to the floor

The alliteration just rolls off the tongue, and it makes your imagery so much more powerful! I also loved your diction in the third stanza(e.g. "carnage", "devoured") and the repetition of "the summer winds, the winter breeze". Overall your imagery reinforces the subject of the poem and complements the mood changes in your third and fourth stanzas very well. There is a clear shift in the last stanza, which you use effectively to bring an optimistic tone to your sonnet.

When I start to break apart your metaphor, however, there's too much information that is either missing or vague to put together a clear picture in my head. Your third line is the first place I wonder at your meaning;
the summer winds, the winter breeze, and me
we hold our hands and try to calm the shore
although there are no borders we can see
our tears leak from our fingers to the floor

In my head I see three people(summer, winter, and "me") holding hands to try and calm the shore. I found this a very interesting picture because I'm more used to the phrase "hold back the tide", whereas here it's less of a suppression and more of a gentle comforting. But what does your third line mean? It doesn't make sense to me that an absence of borders would cause cause tears to leak; instead it would make more sense if your tears were leaking through the borders. I'm not yet sure why the narrator is sad yet, but you have three more stanzas to cover that topic, and it makes sense to leave the fourth line a little vague.
in desperation, i plead to the seas,
to stop the flooding and the drowning pain
the ocean never hears my forlorn pleas
those hearts we tried to save will then be slain

Considering you did so well keeping iambic pentameter in your first stanza, I thought I'd mention that you lose your rhythm in the fifth line. "Desperation" has a great connotation for a poem like this, but the rest of the line("i plead to the seas") follows more of an unstressed/unstressed/stressed rhythm. This line is also a little vague to follow your last; I question whether "the seas" represents a (G)od or perhaps an unfeeling universe instead of understanding the nature of your "tears". In general I think this stanza would have worked better as the third, because it defines your struggle with whatever is afflicting you. A structure I suggest to follow is this:
1. define your setting/mood("tears", "shore", "hold hands", "summer winds...")
2. tell us why this setting/mood is so important(here is where you would add some specificity; does the sadness stem from loss? loneliness? hopelessness?)
3. show us how you deal with this conflict("i shiver while i'm running fast away", "in desperation, i plead to the seas")
4. and then "resolve" the conflict(optimistic upturn, pose a question etc.)
I actually really like your third stanza, although reading it in context with the poem, it repeats your ideas of hopelessness from your second stanza("we will be then devoured", "those hearts... will then be slain"). You continue this metaphor of stormy seas, but I am still unsure what exactly these stormy seas are. Once again, your repeat of the first line is hugely effective because it turns the reader back to the beginning and asserts a cyclical nature in the poem, which works very well with the theme of hopelessness. Also your use of "then" supports this too, because it insists linearity against the circling back, and in this fight the theme of hopelessness is very clear.
so when the sunshine finally reveals
i find a seashell, bright as arctic seals

The imagery in your last stanza is so perfect! I definitely feel the sun shining down on the seals and the tide lowering to reveal seashells. Grammatically, you probably want to rephrase the couplet so the first line isn't left as an dependent clause.

Overall, this a beautifully written poem, but it's missing a dimension of meaning to it that could be fixed with a bit of specificity. Certain lines really stand out and assemble a wonderful metaphor of the sea and the weather, but I just don't know why the theme of hopelessness permeates the poem: are you in awe of nature, but afraid it will destroy you? is this about a stormy relationship you hope to repair? There's imagery to support both these claims, but there isn't an overarching storyline(for lack of a better word).

I hope this review helps, and have a lovely day! <3




Yoshikrab says...


thank you so much for this review!

But what does your third line mean? It doesn't make sense to me that an absence of borders would cause cause tears to leak; instead it would make more sense if your tears were leaking through the borders. I'm not yet sure why the narrator is sad yet, but you have three more stanzas to cover that topic, and it makes sense to leave the fourth line a little vague.


. . . i suddenly realized that the third line made absolutely no sense lol

ahahahahahh thank you for catching that

Overall, this a beautifully written poem, but it's missing a dimension of meaning to it that could be fixed with a bit of specificity. Certain lines really stand out and assemble a wonderful metaphor of the sea and the weather, but I just don't know why the theme of hopelessness permeates the poem: are you in awe of nature, but afraid it will destroy you? is this about a stormy relationship you hope to repair? There's imagery to support both these claims, but there isn't an overarching storyline(for lack of a better word).


Actually, this is a poem that is more literal than it seems. I live in southeast Texas, and we were recently hit by Hurricane Laura. It was pretty bad, to the point where everyone except the essential workers needed to evacuate. The first three stanzas are mostly a descriptive passage where the narrator is describing the pain and the terror of the natural disaster. However, at the end of Hurricane Laura, when I returned to our home, we had no electricity, so our family bonded together and reinforced our family relationship. The final stanza here is representing how the worst storms bring in the prettiest seashells from the ocean.

again, thanks for the review!

-yoshi





You're welcome! The literal translation makes a lot more sense :D



Yoshikrab says...


:)




It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe