Okay, so your rhyme is good, it makes sense. But, your flow between rhymes is off sometimes. So, you're second line is a little off, but it's a good scene. Well done. Try removing the word try, it throws off the line. In some meter analysis: You go from unstressed to stress over and over, but you add a 3rd stress with to then it alternates making it sound bad. You do the same thing in the fourth line with the word finger. It goes away if you speed up after the extra stress. Either way, if you want it spoken well for most people, you should learn how to balance the stresses. I recommend buying an epic poem and doing meter analysis on it. Try to read the poem in different ways and keep doing stresses and unstresses.In the second stanza I would change the words plead and pleas and pain, because they're throwing off the idea. They add meaning to the poem, plead does not mean ask for, but it's also asking for something in a desperate way. It makes sense but it doesn't flow because you used in desperation before. Pleading is desperation. Maybe it's the redundancy.
This poem is beautifully written. I love the glimpse of hope at the end, and the meaning behind the poem. AAA very good!!!! very good.
I loved you sonnet!!!great work!
Hey, Yoshi! I'm here to review your lovely sonnet! c:
there is no borders
Hi Yoshikrab! I love sonnets, and can't wait to dive into this one!My favorite line is by far your fourth:
our tears leak from our fingers to the floor
the summer winds, the winter breeze, and mewe hold our hands and try to calm the shorealthough there are no borders we can seeour tears leak from our fingers to the floor
in desperation, i plead to the seas,to stop the flooding and the drowning painthe ocean never hears my forlorn pleasthose hearts we tried to save will then be slain
so when the sunshine finally revealsi find a seashell, bright as arctic seals
But what does your third line mean? It doesn't make sense to me that an absence of borders would cause cause tears to leak; instead it would make more sense if your tears were leaking through the borders. I'm not yet sure why the narrator is sad yet, but you have three more stanzas to cover that topic, and it makes sense to leave the fourth line a little vague.
Overall, this a beautifully written poem, but it's missing a dimension of meaning to it that could be fixed with a bit of specificity. Certain lines really stand out and assemble a wonderful metaphor of the sea and the weather, but I just don't know why the theme of hopelessness permeates the poem: are you in awe of nature, but afraid it will destroy you? is this about a stormy relationship you hope to repair? There's imagery to support both these claims, but there isn't an overarching storyline(for lack of a better word).
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