Reality Escape
I want to know what do you guys think about my story, it's not a full story and there will be typos here and there but I hope you like it and give a comment on how I can improve it. Thank you for reading!
It was a cold night that day. The snow falls down like heavy rain, gentle yet harsh. It kept on piling on my body while I laid there staring at the never ending dark sky. I wondered, what was life? As I watch the starless sky with my eyes, ignoring the dagger in my body, I let my blood soak my clothes. I smiled. How odd, I can smile even though the pain numbs me till I couldn’t even feel my heart. The thought that runs through my mind was ‘At least, now I’m able to die.’ I closed my eyes, hoping for the darkness to envelop me faster. That day, that night, on the ground I laid there lifelessly as I wait for the darkness to swallow me whole. The darkness that made others feel fear was actually very gentle. I wondered why I ran away from it. This cold yet warm feeling, this sense of familiarity that felt like home. It all came from the darkness that everyone feared.
“Chuckle. Boy, do you want to die?” a low clear voice echoed through the woods. The voice felt so far yet close, almost like it was right beside me, yet it felt far away like a voice from the distant hill. Do I want to die? What a foolish question, of course I do. Why would I stay in this rotten world? This shitty world that robs me of my freedom. Denied my rights as a human and use me only to balance this wrong world. This world that throws me away the second I’ve become useless for it. “If you hate this world then destroy it. Destroy everything inside it and live the way you want to. Isn’t that better than to die for the sake of this world” Destroy it? If I could I would. But now, I’m tired. I just want to sleep. Wait, what did he just say? Die for the sake of the world? What does that mean? Why would I die for the sake of this shitty world? I wouldn’t care even if this world were to be burn down. Why would I die for this world?
“…Don’t you realize? The world hates you because you are someone with too much power. You’re strong, strong enough to endure the shit you’ve been through while being so powerless. Strong enough to deny the world that treats you like trash for all these years-” He stopped? Why did he stop? I’m strong? I’ve heard of that from someone. Who was it that said those words to me? Oh yeah, I remembered, it was that kind grandma at the old confectionary store across the road. That grandma died two years ago if I’m not wrong. That kind grandma with her hairs all white, a big warm smile, deep blue eyes filled with kindness and that tiny body that used to hug me while laughing. She was always there alone with her cat. What was that cat’s name again? Mr. Jingle? That’s right, Mr. Jingle, that fluffy orange cat. Haha that cat never liked me, always scratching me whenever I came. Grandma’s word was… what was it? Did it start with never give up? Ah, no that’s not how it started, it started like this ‘Boy, its fine to give up you know.’ That’s right; I was shocked when she said that. But I didn’t say anything and continued to listen. ‘Even if you give up that’s fine, you’ve been strong, stronger than anyone in that place, stronger than me in fact. Even if I am living alone, I still have Mr. Jingle. But you on the other hand had lost everything, yet you still lived and smiled even though life treats you like trash.’ I know that, it’s not like I want to live and it’s not like I want to smile either. It’s just that if I don’t do that, I’ll be killed…
“But in the end, you are still killed even though you never quit smiling. Never quit enduring, always acting strong in that place. Why did you do that? If you wanted to die that badly, why didn’t you let them kill you? Instead lived a life of a trash, submitting to what they want.” Footsteps? Why are there footsteps? Who came here? Did they want to make me suffer more before my last breath? “I won’t kill you. Instead, you’re too useful to die. Now answer me, do you want to destroy everything? Do you want to kill everything that hurts you? Will you kill or be killed?” A man who was two feet tall stood next to me. He was wearing black, everything about him was black. His cold eyes seemed to have pierced me, but I couldn’t care less. Why didn’t I die earlier you ask? That’s because there’s someone I need to protect… “Why would you protect someone who wants you dead?” What do you mean? There’s no way that could be true! She was the kindest person, the only one who stayed by my side when everyone throws me to the side! “Are you sure? That person desperately wanted you to die you.” Shut up! You know nothing! Don’t talk like you know everything! “We do know everything, do you want to see the real her?” Real her? Sure show it to me! There’s absolutely no way she’d- “Did you dispose of that trash?” W-What? No this can’t be, there’s just no way… I must be mistaken, yes, that’s right, I must have misheard there’s no way she’ll say that “We have as done you ordered madam. That child will never appear in front of you ever again.” Who’s that? His voice is unfamiliar “Well done, that child is finally gone. It was so hard to get rid of that trash even after the countless poison that I gave him.”
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
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Let's begin with plot, shall we? First thought: who put the dagger in his chest? It'd be intriguing if he had done it himself, and could be a glimpse into a multi-faceted world were it somebody else. Second thought, should he react to the voice? It's not exactly a normal happenstance, so a bit more reaction could give the character depth.
As for what I enjoyed of it, I liked how the conversation brought up the plot without forcing it down the reader's throats. There's not much that happens here, so I can't say much else.
As for style, I really enjoyed the mood you set up with "cold," "lifelessly," "harsh," and various other words. It really drives home the desolate tone you've set up with the depressed protagonist.
Unfortunately, this piece was a bit straining to read. I'd suggest chopping up the paragraphs of conversation, making a new one each time a new character starts speaking.
Secondly, the use of profanity seemed out of place. Both characters seem calm, even if one is a bit more sinister than the other. Profanity is most powerful when used in anger, but can sometimes be a quick window into someone's personality. Right now, I don't think you should have it.
Third, I have a few pointers:
It makes sense, but feels contradictory at first glance, mostly due to "night" and "day." Also, an environmental detail is, sadly, a bit of a cliche. "A dark and stormy night..." see what I'm getting at? You're free to come up with what you want to, but I'd envision something unique, like a snowflake catching on the character's eyelashes.
Generally, you keep mentioning how the world denies him. Maybe you could give that a bit more detail to invoke sympathy from the audience?
Finally, characters. Oh, boy. This is by far my favorite aspect, because you completely nailed the voice of the protagonist. To see his unique perspective on death, pain, and the world, gives the audience a grim picture of the themes ahead. I, for one, enjoyed it. His inner monologues are also quite enjoyable, though I wish they'd been easier to read.
Overall, this was an excellent start that was hampered by its formatting errors. Your depressive yet driving mood and characters are by far your strong suit here. I hope to see more from you soon. Cheers!
-Chaser
"It was a cold night that day." "The snow falls..." These sentences need to have the same tense. right now you have past and present tense right next to each other trying to describe the same moment.
"It kept on piling on my body..." It kept piling on my body... would be better.
"...while I laid there staring at the never ending dark sky." I would put a comma in and change the tense to present here ...while I lay there, ... or a period.
" As I watch the starless sky with my eyes," Take out the with my eyes part. What other sense could you use to tell there are not any stars?
"...now I’m able to die.’" ... now I can die
"The darkness that made others feel fear was..." the darkness that made people afraid...
“Chuckle. Boy, do you want to die?” Does the person say "chuckle"? Is that the person's name? explain more on this please.