Fifty years before today the American dream consisted of hard work, perseverance and determination. Nowadays, with the harsh conditions that the American man has created upon himself, did we ever take a moment to ask ourselves where the American Dream went?
The truth is we clouded this dream with money, greed, and hatred; leaving the dream very near and dear to its grave. The foolishness of Americans has let us plummet into a time with little hope for a new age, a new life, a new dream. Constantly I ask myself what has become of America the Great?
I, as a citizen only wish one thing for my beautiful country and that is to overcome greed. If we just put away our persistently running tongues then we might be able to achieve a major goal such as overcoming the deficit that has haunted many Americans too many nights to count. Why should we waste our precious little time pondering over stock prices when the percentage of people living in poverty is 15% (far too much). They are out there wondering when the deficit will be healed, When they will have a proper place to live. When they will go to bed not with just food in there stomach but with a full stomach.
I am a firm believer of education being the first step toward a better legacy for America because without open minded, creative and smart students how will they, the future generation, fix our slowly deteriorating economy? Internationally America is ranked 17th out of 65 different countries. This indicates that we should be spending more time and money on the thing that matters the most; our successors, our future.
As a whole we do not worry enough about all the the things that we should be doing to fulfill the American Dream; A dream that can be so much more than just a dream. When I go to bed tonight I would love to dream about America being what it should be; An impeccable country.
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Interesting. A noble topic to take on.
Some tips:
- You could make your argument stronger by bringing supporting facts to the table, like you do in the penultimate paragraph when you talk about the US being 17th internationally in education. But what does that mean? Which 65 countries were we compared against? Using what standard? And what's the source of those numbers? When making an argument it's useful to go through and think about what you'd say if you had to argue against yourself.
- Is the reason we haven't solved the deficit problem really just that we spend too much time thinking about stocks? That's what your third paragraph says. I'm not sure it's what you intended to say.
- I like how you focused in on greed. Maybe you could stick to that OR education, rather than straddling the two?
I can feel the real emotions here. A little polishing will help you convey those emotions more effectively. Thanks for writing!
-BFG
Hi Yomna jessiebear here to do a review on your work and I hope what I say will be any yours to you.
Okay this is grate to start with. Now time to start with the review.
first of I loved the poem. A spicily the begin with the part ( Fifty years before today the American dream consisted of hard work, perseverance and determination.) But I don't think you need the comer there.
the next bit which I loved is ( himself, did we ever take a moment to ask ourselves where the American Dream went?)
But this bit of the poem (Nowadays,) a gene you don't need the comer there.
The poem is grate but I think you bought some full stops where they don't need to go.
But over all it is a grate poem and I am looking forward to sing more of your work and so I can help you with it.
So when more of your work comes out pleas let me no so I can have a look at it and tell you what I think of it.
So have a good day/night.