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The Ghost Chase

by Ynowrite


The Ghost Chase

“We can’t let him escape!”, exclaimed Sgt. Bat. He ran down the street in hot pursuit of his target. The man turned a corner, but Sgt. Bat was closer to him than humor at a Kevin Hart show. He ran through the several alleyways of Los Angeles, and he turned into a building. Sgt. Bat followed him, and to his shock, the man was nowhere to be found. After realizing that he was gone, Sgt. Bat turned around, and began to walk back to his squad.

May 16, 2052. Sgt. Rico Bat, a 32-year-old LAPD sergeant, was so bored. He was so bored, he was like a five-year-old kid watching the Discovery Channel. Standing up, he put on his police uniform, and his Nike shoes. His mustache was as brown as dirt.He walked out of his downtown L.A. apartment to go to work.He jumped into in his 2046 Ford Remake, and barreled down the road at a whopping 42 mph. 46 minutes later, he arrived at the Los Angeles Police Department. “You were a little fast coming around the corner there, chief,” said Lt. Lewis Grimm, a short and bald man, was also Sgt. Bat’s partner-in-crime-stopping. “So sue me,” replied Rico. The two walked into the station, and checked to see if there were any new cases. There was. The case was confusing. It was more confusing than a kaleidoscope to a three-year-old. A body had popped up in a garment factory, and there was a note taped to it. The note said, “I did this, and there will be more to come.” And it was signed Victor Orbit.

“Maybe we should find this guy before he kills someone else, eh?”, said Sgt. Bat.

“Well, aren’t you a genius?”, exclaimed Lt. Grimm. They got right down to work. Hands flying over his computer, Rico searched the records of Victor Orbit. Problem was, there wasn’t any. It was like he didn’t exist. Annoyed, Sgt. Bat started checking every single thing that he could. But he couldn’t find anything related to Victor Orbit. All of a sudden, there was a commotion over on the other side of the room. Everyone was crowded around something. There, in the middle of the circle, stood an officer holding something. It was a piece of paper with some writing on it. Sgt. Bat took one look at it, and was automatically about to throw someone out the window. The paper said, “Come find me. I’m waiting.” And the note was signed Victor Orbit.

Sgt. Bat was sick of the games, sick of the searching, sick of everything related to Victor Orbit. He didn’t want to hear anymore about it. But soon, Lt. Grimm rushed to him with some good news. He said that they had tracked down someone that was seen near the murder scene had just been seen walking into a diner.They had been able to track his face across town to an abandoned building. They had found him.

Lt. Grimm and Sgt. Bat jumped into their police cruiser and speeded down the road toward the building. They arrived there, and prepared to raid the building. They broke down the door, and saw a man standing there. He turned and started to run. Great, thought Sgt. Bat, as he took off after him.“We can’t let him escape!”, exclaimed Sgt. Bat. He ran down the street in hot pursuit of his target. The man turned a corner, but Sgt. Bat was closer to him than humor at a Kevin Hart show. He ran through the several alleyways of Los Angeles, and he turned into a building. Sgt. Bat followed him, and to his shock, the man was nowhere to be found. After realizing that he was gone, Sgt. Bat turned around, and began to walk back to his squad. But, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the man over in the corner. He started to run, but Sgt. Bat was faster. Sgt. Bat chased him down, and tackled him to the ground. He flipped him on to his back. The tall man, scarred and broad, stared into Sgt. Bat’s eyes. It was Victor Orbit. They had caught him. Sgt. Bat cuffed him, read him his Miranda rights, stood him up, and walked him down to the station, where the man was put into jail for the murder of an unidentified male. It was finally over.


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User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 970
Reviews: 48

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Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:00 pm
Edelweiss wrote a review...



Hey there Ynowrite, Edel here for a review!
Personally I love reading and watching mysteries, so credit for you on making a good choice!
Your story has good structure and with a little more work I think it could wonderful!
Let's get started, one main thing was the time period, you set it in the future yet it hardly screamed future! The flow overall was choppy and there was either a lot of unnecessary information or not enough told. For example, in the second paragraph I didn't understand why the date was there, it just seemed out of place. Maybe if the story was longer and the case would have taken an extended period of days to solve. You mentioned he had a dirt brown mustache but that was it, like thecolorofthesky said you need a better description on your characters.
The ending was a little rushed, and all of those big unanswered questions. Why did Victor Orbit murder? Why was the body in the garment factory? Why did he send the police notes? How were they able to track his face down? You said "they" were able to track his face down to an abandoned building. Who's they, and why did Victor Orbit go to the abandoned building?
I hope my review has helped you and I encourage you to keep writing! I hope to see more of you work in the near future!

-Edelweiss-




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46 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 46

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Wed Jun 08, 2016 1:26 am
thecolorofthesky wrote a review...



Hi there! To start, you chose an attention catching title. A small revision to the story would to write you Sergeant and Lieutenant. You might take into consideration replacing the characters names with pronouns a few places due to distracting repetition. Some bigger stuff to work on would be stronger imagery and character development. Once you introduce Victor Orbit, describe his appearance more, his behavior, maybe elaborate on his backstory. Sergeant Bat and Lieutenant Grimm never are describes, so i suggest expanding on them as well. A Rico is mentioned as well. Who is he? Why is he not mentioned again? Also I would suggest writing out any numbers after 12 (just a rule I was taught). The line "46 minutes later," could be less specific in order to maintain a better flow. Try "Nearly and hour later," or something like that. I like the way you can write about your characters' emotions. Go more in depth with that, it comes off as one of your strengths. This is an interesting start to the story! Keep writing!





Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl