i remember the pale pink tiled counter in the too large bathroom
at the end of the hallway across from the stairs, there were two sinks,
and when it was dark, i thought Freddy Krueger was lurking
behind the fish-faced shower curtain, too many pastels,
too far from the toilet to the door that my brother once tied a tooth too,
and i remember how cold my feet were, zipping across the room,
too far from my bedroom, once, in the dark,
there were wolves waiting at the bottom of the stairs
and i remember peeing on the purple rug in the corner of my bedroom,
too afraid to tell them i was scared.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thanks Grammar lady! That is all really helpful stuff! i will use it, and thanks for the 2:1 tip, i admit, i joined late last night and didn't read the rules, not my shining moment, but anyway, thanks for the tips, and the review.
Hey there Yent, Welcome to YWS. I'm June, so nice to meet you.
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We have a 2:1 policy here which simply means that before you post one piece of your work, you should have reviewed two things by someone else.
Now, for your critique
Okay! So, I see how it's mostly uncapitalized. Perfect; that sets a certain tone for the reader. However, you capitalize the noun Freddy Kreuger. I'm pointing that out because in writing, the pronoun I should always be capitalized, especially if you capitalize a noun, or another pronoun in the same piece.
The only other thing about structure that I would point out is your compound words. Some of your words should be made into compound words, and you can indicate this with hyphens.
For example:
Could become:
By connecting your words with hyphens to create compound words, you can show the reader how to read the poem.
Anyway! That's beyond the point. Let's get to the point:
I love how you wrote this. It's a memory, but it tells us so much in this short piece. It speaks of the fear the narrator felt, tells us about the surroundings-- it's brilliant.
The reader can actually feel the setting. Sometimes the reader can understand it, imagine it, but very seldom can they feel it. You did an amazing job here, Yent. Brilliant.
I look forward to seeing more of your work. I rate this 10/10 and gold star for you
Welcome to YWS!
Best,
June
Aside from the lack of full-stops in this poem, which I think should be remedied to make it more readable, I have just a few comments. ^_^
Alright, I assume you mean that the shower curtain has fish faces on it? Yes? No? I just don't think 'fish-faced' is a good way to describe a shower curtain. Perhaps 'a shower curtain covered with too many pastel fish faces' ? Or was the reference to pastels referring to the bathroom as a whole?
I love this little hearkening to the past, though the last 'too' should be 'to'.
I also love this part because it's being afraid of admitting to fear. -nodnod- A lovely little repetition of the theme. I think. -shifty eyes- I'm no expert with terminology or anything like that. -laughs-
Anyways, I love it. I think most people can identify with it, and it's lovely. ^_^