As I entered the studio I was immediately stricken with its beauty. The warm timber floors matched perfectly with the creamy white walls. The sun shone through the slanting windows at a most attractive angle. This was a room the most depressed and insolent person in the world could feel 'OK' in for a moment. The room was in-fact what I had been looking for my entire life, a large airy but homely place with a modernistic touch to all of the slants and old stones of the Amsterdam houses. Shortly; it was perfect.
Jane Elizabeth Smith had been admitted to the mental hospital only a short year ago after a couple of minor incidents. The police had found her a most involuntary observer of the crime that had taken place that cold January morning. This crime sent off a number of unbelievable events for the plain Jane Smith. She had been toppled off her comfortable and quiet life.
Jane had just finished high school. After the graduation the majority of Westgate's graduates were gripped by a strong feeling of remorse, finally realising all the memories and friends created they would be leaving behind. Jane was a sad onlooker of this spectacle. She could hardly relate to what any of her fellow graduates were feeling. Her time at high school had been personally horrible. Of course she had made friends eventually but never any close ones that she had wished so dearly for. Jane was looking forward to college. She could hardly wait to meet new people and finally get to study only the area of school she really enjoyed.
Jane had discovered her passion for art at quite an early age. She had been in a small art gallery in Amsterdam with her parents when she saw a self portrait that van Gogh himself had made over 100 years ago. As she stared deeply into those small meaningful eyes she realised that she wanted someone to do the same thing 100 years later. Only this time looking into a self portrait of herself. That night Jane went to bed with a million thoughts in her mind.
When she returned home after the rest of the vacation she had read multiple art books and, to the irritation of her mother, had filled half her suitcase with these. Jane continued drawing and trying out new styles of art. By the end of her senior year she had created an impressive collection of drawings and paintings. Throughout those years Jane had tried every single art style from pop to sketches. Still Jane didn't feel that she had quite found her unique style just yet. After graduation Jane planned to move to Amsterdam for new feelings, scenery and mostly, a new start.
You see this move was not only to help Jane get inspiration and to help her become a better artist. It was also a plan to start fresh, leaving her old memories behind.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: At first glance, this seems like a pretty cool story here, there's a couple of issues that could be relatively major towards this being effective as a prologue but the premise here was lovely. Anyway more details on all that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well, that's a lot of love for a room there, you can certainly tell this person loves that room. The description goes a tiny bit towards the extreme and I actually that's a nice touch to convey the feelings of the person here, so yeah, pretty neat start here so far. Definitely gets you wondering what this could be about.
Okay...now this appears to shift POV's here a bit, it goes from first person description of that room to this narrator POV as they discuss Jane here...and that's a bit of a sudden shift there, you don't usually want too much of that happening cause it can lead to confusion. Also, most involuntary just sounds a little awkward, I think cutting the "most" would be a good idea there. Otherwise this is sounding pretty decent, certainly quite interesting to see how someone just living a quiet life gets wrapped in all those problems.
Well, as someone's who's been through that it certainly is a pretty sad time, although the fact that Jane has suffered so badly that she's happy to be leaving is definitely a big red flag there, it has to have been a pretty horrible time...especially if this is all despite her having also made friends. This certainly makes for an interesting backstory here.
This paragraph is definitely a really cool little touch of backstory there, I love how you incorporate that way that she found her love of art, and this inspiration that struck her, it makes us understand a lot more about what her personality is like here and that's an awesome thing to have right at the start of a story here.
Hmm, okay a person moving around trying to find exactly what style of art suits them sounds like another lovely piece of information, makes me almost wish there was a book describing how that journey went cause that sounds pretty cool too. At any rate...it looks like this is a person just looking to make a nice start, this little bit of backstory is laid out well, I'm just a bit concerned about this not quite matching upto what that start was all about.
Certainly an awesome premise there, but I feel like from that part of the high school, this has been a totally different prologue, without those first two paragraphs, the rest of makes for an awesome little prologue, but put these two individually awesome sounding things together, you get a prologue that looks a little disjointed as to the point its trying to bring across...soo...you might want to make these link to each other a little better or just cut out one of the parts, perhaps that first bit, cause it is the smaller bit and there's also the slightly off sudden POV change.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a solid prologue if those few changes are implemented, otherwise it is a tiny bit off here. But putting aside all of that, this certainly sounds like a story that I would in fact read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there!
I think that this is a nice start you have here. For a prologue, I feel like you have done well: you have established a rationale for Jane's adventures (aka the plot) and as the reader, I already have a sense of what kind of person Jane is. Nevertheless, there is always room for improvement and it's best to have the best prologue so as to lure in the reader initially.
I think you have some good descriptions here, but I would like to see you venturing more off of the beaten path. What I mean by this is that I think some of your descriptions are lacking some oomph that I know you're likely capable of administering. For example, in the very beginning when you're describing "warm timber floors" and "creamy white walls", although nice imagery, I definitely don't see this sticking out. It's obvious that Jane loves this place and feels at home here, but you also have to convince us (the readers), too. Don't take our agreement for granted - we're not on Jane's side yet as we don't know who is. Why is it that this place makes her feel so content? What is it that makes her feel at home with timber floors and white walls? What is the "most attractive angle" that the sun slants in at? Why does Jane want a "large, airy" place? Show us why and make us feel why!
I really like the voice of your prologue. It appears to be quite matter-of-fact, which is nice and you keep it consistent throughout. Sometimes, however, it seems to drag on and with all of these facts about Jane - life in high school, etc - you tend to lose the nice voice you're developing. Just a note!
Furthermore, the transitions between paragraphs seem a bit clunky because they don't flow into each other. Paragraph 1 (not including italics) is about her stint in a mental hospital. Paragraph 2 is about graduating high school and her lack of social life. Paragraph 3 is about her passion for her art. I'm not sure how you're really linking together all of these life events; they all seem very separate. I understand that they're important to understand Jane, but I think you should make this more evident. Personally, Paragraph 3 is the most important as it is about what inspires Jane to set off on her new adventure. How about expanding more on the idea about her art yet incorporating the other important life events in a way that adds to reader comprehension but doesn't drown the voice and purpose of the prologue?
Some nitpicks:
Spell it "okay" and there is no need for the little quotation marks ('').
In fact. Without the dash.
I think you mean "in short". Also, the grammar is wrong here. A semi-colon is often used to join two independent clauses (separate sentences) so all you need is a comma here
In prose, spell out numbers. Example: one hundred years instead of 100 years.
Million thoughts of what? Obviously, van Gogh has made an impression on Jane, but I would like to know. Are these thoughts positive or negative? What are they of?
Overall, this is a nice prologue, so well done! I hope my suggestions are useful. If you have any questions, feel free to message me. Also, if you need anything else reviewed, click on my WRFF thread link below ("Audrey Hepburn will review for you"), and I would be more than happy to read more of your writing!
Thanks for the read!
Lav
Thank you for the feedback! I'll definitely be able to use it in my future writing.
Hello! Ash here for a review!
Lovely prologue, nicely written!
So, I caught no spelling mistakes(Unless my min auto-corrected and I skipped over it 0-0). I also liked the way you separated the paragraphs, not too long, not too short. Its is worded nicely, and easy to read.
Altogether I caught no mistakes, and I liked the story so far. Can't wait to read more! =)
Thank you for the review