Not Enough

I was...very impressed by this poem. I really understand what you're trying to say and I congratulate you on your good job. I know I'm just a new member and my opinion might or might not matter but i still want to tell you that this was truly excellent and I am off to read more of your poems.

Yeah, i agree. this poem is definitely "inadequate" (coincidentally so, too!). I don't remember posting it though....so it obviouosly isn't one that leaves an impression. Thank you all for the reviews, but this is one for the garbage bin.

Absolutely agreed, KnightlyAngel and June. This poem has some good ideas but the execution was found wanting. You need to show us what the speaker means by "inadequate." Heck, make it the title of the poem if that helps you to focus your thoughts! The piece feels like it should be longer; instead of summing up in the one word "inadequate," strive to show us what this implies in terms of images. Take the line:

"I am clueless."

This is ultra bland! We have no idea what the speaker means or where they are going with this. Images help you to develop the structure of the poem's argument, like my example below:

"I feel lost
in the maze of the eternal blue sky,
carrying no compass but the compass
of my wandering mind,
and the stars for indifferent company."

As you can see, now the idea of "cluelessness," without even saying the word, is expressed in much more detail and with greater vividness. Most importantly, I'm not summing up for you; I'm showing and not telling. And images are the key to that.

Hope this helps!

Gahks

It was alright. I think though that it lacks in some parts. There wasn't much emotion going on so it made the poem really bland. You said you were inadequate but it was merely stated and not described in the vivid ways of poetry.

Although I love the reaching for the stars line. It is generic but despite that I think you used it to the advantage of this poem.

Hi there Yatta! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you .

Okay! So! This was decent. I think that this holds a definite potential to be able to elaborate further on. In a way, like Eraqio said, I think this was too generic.

That's not entirely a bad thing! Pick up any mixed literature book today, and you're almost certain to find a poem in there that's generic, right? There's nothing at all wrong with writing generic pieces, but it's just that the more specific/less generic pieces entertain the audience a lot more, dear.

I got a little confused while reading this. At the beginning, you state that you are inadequate. When we come to the end, it sounds like you're saying, "I can't be inadequate." I'm not sure if that's what's being said, but, whatever is being said here could use a touch of clarification.

That being said, this whole poem can use clarification, dear. I'm not saying that to sound negative or rude; I mean that positively.

For instance, in the line where you tell us you're a hypocrite, give us something around that to tell us what makes you hypocritical. Let the reader know that you are clueless other than giving it to us in a simple line, dear.

Also! Little suggestion: If you're going to use inadequate more than once in this poem, why not make it the title? I think that inadequate would fit this perfectly.

Another thing; why not use the stars again later on in the poem? It feels like you've turned almost completely away from the usage of stars here, so, if you were to refer to them again, perhaps at the end, it would give more of a complete feel to this.

Overall, dear, it was good. There are some weak spots (but don't worry! Every work in progress has those). If you need any help, you're absolutely welcome to PM me, dear.

Best --

June

Hey! I'm dd9 and I'll be doing a little review today. :]

First of all, I have to say that I love the fact that you have an exclamation point at the end of your screen name! It makes me smile [s](not like that's hard to do.)[/s]

Alrighty, back to business.

Of hide and seek?

I know how it should be

But I can’t…"be".

Inadequate

I’m clueless;

Not knowing where to go,

What to aim for,

Or who to love.

The Title felt just a bit generic and the poem itself came off as the same.

However I re-read it and changed my first impression, the work itself is actually pretty strong concerning whatever message or thought you are trying to get through to the reader, and it keeps a monologue-esque quality throughout, like it isnt really addressing anyone.

I liked it, but, and I say this to everyone, I felt it could have been a bit lengthier.

Also, your short description was a bit too curt for me.....Diddnt peak my intrest.