Published August 26, 2011
Hide and Seek
You left at 10 in momma’s black-heeled boots
That clicked on asphalt like
Beaded jump ropes.
And in pink sparkling denim, I skipped along
Like hopscotch.
1, 2, 3;
One foot, another, both!
And then a jump to scare you—
No, someone’s there:
A grown up man with a cigarette
And something pointed in his pocket.
“You wanna play?”
“Yeah, but you know I can’t—”
You whine
(and I believe it).
“How much?”
He snarls like the boogieman.
You giggle,
Green bits of paper,
And then you’re playing leapfrog
In the alleyway
And I’m watching.
I saw it all.
And long gone is pink denim
and beaded jump rope.
“You wanna play?”
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138,927 Literary Works • 672,328 Reviews
Wow, this is incredibly good writing! You're imagery is so good and I like the dark aura that's hanging over this piece! Geeh, you're really talanted! The playful kind-of way it's written is very cool and yep, I loved it!
5/5 icky, sticky spiders to you and I have no complaints what so ever!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hey, you reviewed something I wrote a few days ago I do believe! Thank you, and here to return the favor .
Anyway...
When Veritas said "terribly well-written," it couldn't have been said better. I especially love the beginning lines, the imagery and flow just pulling this together very well. Even though there is a lot that is left unexplained or unclarified, I think that makes it all the more compelling. I'm irritated by the fact that I really don't have anything to complain about.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
That one gave me chills. That was terribly well written. So well that I almost wish I hadn't read it. You're very talented at writing this dark kind of thing. I like the way it's written from a child's point of view. Very creative. I think I'll take a look at some of the rest of your work...
Veirtas
Well written, with good imagery and great creepy effect. Darkly sexy, even--if you're into that sort of thing. As for me, I just enjoyed the grim flirtation of the thing--very evocative. Can't pick out any particular spot I'd change. This is a good, solid piece that probably could be extended in spots for more thorough illustration of what's going on in the plot--but at the same time, the brevity of the poem leaves a lot to the imagination. This, I think, is the poem's "punch"--what is suggested but not stated hangs on in the mind all the longer, and all the more powerfully.