Depressed

So simple, but so true. I know how you feel. Life isn't easy. It seems like I can't go a day without having to face these feelings. I loved this poem; it captures the emotions. Usually people try to elaborate on themes like this, and it ends up sounding cheesy and cliche. But this was fantastic. Keep up the great work.

I understand this feeling completely as I had to deal with a bout of depression myself. It was terribly hard and you do put it well. I feel like someone who has never experienced depression may not be able to understand extremely well through this poem though. It's relatable, however, slightly too vague for those who haven't experienced a deep pain like this.

Alright, you've had a bunch of reviews and comments so far, so probably nothing I'd say would make much of a difference. But here goes...

I agree with the fact that this is a simple poem and that it does get to the point. It definitely does tell the reader exactly what it feels like to be depressed. It the conveys the feeling in just a few short sentences, and the feeling is memorable.

For me, I'm not a huge fan of topics focusing on depression. I'm more fond of works that focus on facing depression and coping with it. Though, understanding how you feel is a big step towards coping with how you feel, so in that sense, maybe this poem isn't quite as "depressing" a poem as I might first think.

I like the fact that you make a distinction between feeling sad and feeling depressed. They definitely are two different things, though usually being depressed is in reaction to something sad or painful happening. Perhaps in the speaker of this poem's case, depression is just a common feeling for him.

The only bone I have to pick with this poem is that it's stating the obvious. Anyone who's ever been depressed knows what it feels like to be depressed. But maybe that's the beauty of it.

I have depression, and this is exactly what I feel. You are an amazing writer, and I see absolutely no errors in this brilliant poem. It makes me feel really good to know that someone out there knows what it feels like.

It's not a sadness. I'm not sad.
It's just a sunkenness--
a lethargy--that makes one heavy
with existence.

To put it simply,
"I am here, but I feel nothing."

Also.. Congrats on getting 23 comments, kid!

This was an exceptionally impressive piece! I enjoyed the short, simpleness of it and that it wasn't overly dramatic as most (including mine) "depression based" poems are. These six lines put the same emotion and feeling that a two page poem could which was pleasing and not to mention impressive. The only thing that bothered me was the ending line. The quote just seemed so out of place and I can't figure out why. Other than that, this was amazing! Keep writing! BRAVO

Hey Yatta!

I really like the simplicity of this poem... I think that is really going for you in this case. It's simple in several ways too... in the voice (which is almost child-like simple) and its length. Yet, I think it says a lot at the same time. This is a good thing!

Now, for your poem, the only thing I don't like is the ending... the quotes make it stick out weirdly. Furthermore, I wasn't really sure it was quoting, if anything at all. I don't see the reason for the quotes. So, that is that.

I think you might be able to continue it a little bit more, if you wanted to, but that it works all right for what it is.

Wow, Yatta! 18 comments. O: I had to check it out!

I haven't read the other comments though. Hopefully, that's okay. I mean eighteen! You are a popular rhino! Or dino. Or whatever your avatar is displayed as since it keeps changing.

Anyhow, this is very accurate in one sense of depression. I would still call it sad since, yeah, I'm walking around with frowny faces and the occasional tear in my eye. It is sadness. It's just a certain kind of sadness. I suppose that's all based on perspective?

You use your words very well when describing this emotion. Sunkenness (Chrome says this isn't a word. D: ...And the dictionary doesn't say it is! At least, not Merrian-Webster.), lethargy, heavy -- they're all strong words. Well done!

As a piece, I still don't know if this is a strong stand-alone. While it effectively describes what this sort of depression is, it doesn't... stand out from other depressing poems or other pieces. It feels like it's just meant to be an opinionated definition.

It's well done, though. The ending quote is awesome. ^_^ Whoever said that, though, just took up a sixth of your piece. xD But still, it was good.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Spoiler

Hey, Yatta!
When I saw this for the first time, I was like-- "six verses aren't going to be very good. Good is loooooong". Now, I know I was WRONG. Anyhow, I think this puts a lot of emotion into it, and I like how you say 'to put it simply' because that's like a 'conclusion'. Keep up the good work
KRose

So, this was rather simplistic. -tilts head- Admittedly, I've read one two line poem before (poet was a smart one--17 syllables, just like a haiku) and loved it. I feel like there could have been more to this, but then I thought about how I've been depressed. Am depressed. Not quite sure of the difference anymore.

You're correct. Or at least as far as I know you are. Depression isn't like crying at a movie or being sad your budgie died. Admittedly, sometimes when people or animals die, it's almost the same. But it's not exactly. Mine was always a cold numbness. Rushed in like waves, left me sprawled out in a dark room half the time. Can't feel the hardness of the floor, don't give a rat's bum about getting up and finding a bed or chair.

If you're going from personal experience, I know it might be painful an difficult to even write this much. Put it into words. A few words, but any words at all. Once you have a bit of distance, or force a bit of distance, maybe you can think about it like anything else, any other bit of writing. Show, don't tell. Give people a picture. Make them see what you went through. Toy with their emotions, make them sympathetic or feel exactly as you did. Whatever you feel like.

Anyway, I hope, if this is from personal experience or second hand experience, you or whoever is doing better. Otherwise? Thanks for giving me a little something to lean on. Oh, so I'm not utterly alone. I suppose this is good?

Keep writing,
Cas

Mmmmm.

I so understand this. I do agree with GeeLyria that you could expound on the subject. Maybe you could add interactions with family members and/or friends who just can't grasp the idea of depression as it really is, or maybe you could go further into the struggles of someone who wants to feel, who want's to appear "normal", but can't quite bring themselves to do so.

On the other hand, I love the simplicity of what you have, here. It's not lengthy, or pretentious. It doesn't use fancy language--well, not unless you think "lethargy" and "sunkenness" and "heavy with existence" constitute fancy language--but states things as they are, in a rather simple manner. There's a certain elegance to that, and I really appreciate it. The last line does have a sort of finality to it--like, "This is how it is, and I've explained things as best I can, so I give up now." As-is, the poem is beautifully simplistic.

I think you could still keep it that way, though, even if you did continue. As I said before; you could use this simplistic view of things to show what happens, why it happens, what goes on in the speaker's head as it happens.

Please don't think I'm trying to offend. I say it's simplistic because it really is--"No, I'm not sad. I just don't feel." People who don't understand it this way won't think it's simplistic, because they can't grasp it--but simple does not mean easy. Sometimes, the simplest things are the hardest to grasp.

Aaaand I've digressed much. All in all, I like the poem! It drew my attention, and I enjoyed reading it. I just wish there were a little more.

Hey, Yatta. ^-^

I must say, I am impressed with how you managed to capture the heart and express such deep emotions in such a short poem, that is, if it is a poem.. I love that you captured the thoughts exactly in such a short post, though I deeply hope that this isn't how you really feel..
If so, we're here for you. ^-^ And besides, you're a great writer from what I can see, so don't give up and keep that as your motivation!

Hm... Hi Yatta! This is pretty interesting.

I like the main idea of your piece. But you could get more words out of it, more feelings, more explanation. You could let us, the readers, know more about that you were feeling. Whether if it's with a metaphor, a simil, or even a simple word that catches our attention.

My point is... what you have here is more like a sketch of what it could be.

As I said before, I think the idea of it it's great, but it can definitely be better and it can be something powerful, no doubt.

Keep it up!

~Solly<3

Hi, TazmaniaGirl to review here!

This is pretty hort, and hard to review, but I'll try, okay?

I like how you've set this out, it's neat, and clear.
I like the shortness.
I like your way with words, it gives a light image to me in what your really like.
I really hope to hear more!

I don't really get the ---- thing.
It doesn't make it look all that neat.
But if that's how you like it, that's ok.

I hope to hear more from you!
~ TazmaniaGirl xx

To start this could definitely be lengthened it was kind of disappointing to have this great poem going but then it stops early on.There are no spelling errors and no clear punctual errors.Keep up the good work sincerely,sockmonkey.

Hey! This is a very 'other' piece I know it can't be much of poem, it's more of a simple verse, or a script, or, well, something else And with that, a short review of the piece using KUDOS!!!!

I can't seem to categorize the piece to poetry because of its directness of speech. It had this monologue-ish flavor, but that isn't enough to be a drama or script. So, with the 'otherness' of the piece, kudos to you. It seems very creative to put such effect into words of action. Also, the directness of the piece gives me the chills, a good effect for me.

The usage of uncommon words like sunkenness and lethargy really gives out effect. And with the convention of the word 'sunkenness', a kudos to this piece Additionally, the last two lines are very solution-ary, giving the overall piece a good tie-up.

Only a thing to bother looking at, the 'a' in the first line seems to be lost, so try to see if it really fits and edit in anyway you want

I like this writing very well, short but to the point. But that' all I can say for now, byiee and good luck

Your pal
Al

Hey

Wow...i really like this.I could feel each and every word as i read. I simply love it.You can tell its been written from heart. Very descriptive

Well done
Farz

I'm not going to review because heaps of people already have. It is good and I enjoyed it!

Oh wow. Two stanzas?
Well----

Too short to be too long, cliche, yeah?

The piece is written from the heart. And the ending was a boom ;

"I am here, but I feel nothing."

I know what it means, on my own point of view, but I shall not elaborate it.

There's a lot on this poem that I wanted to say, but its just-- its hard to explain. I look at this poem as one of the so-called goth literature piece. The elements are there. The sadness, emptiness and darkness. Great work! *salutes*

This is a great description!

I would like to say that I hope you don't actually feel this way, but if you do, I know poetry always helps me with my problems and makes me feel a lot better. At least, I think this is a poem. I love how it is short and to the point. It does not beet around the bush like most poetry, it just get rights to the subject matter, no symbolism or anything to worry about. The one correction which I would like to point out to you is when you say "a lethargy--that makes one heavy with existence." I think that maybe you could use another form of lethargy, like saying a lethargic feeling. And you could make it its own line.

Also, I think that you should keep "that makes one heavy with existence" all on one line. It makes it kind of confusing by splitting it. I think it is a very cool and interesting creative choice, but it makes it a lot more difficult to get the point across. And if I am correct, this piece is more about getting the point across than making it creatively styled.

This is a great poem, even though it made me sad just reading it. Great job and keep up the awesome writing!

Dear Yatta!

Okay, first of all, I hope you are not going through depression yourself. Personally, it is something I've had to struggle with for the past few years, and trust me when I say, you captured the heart of it in this little poem. At least I think it's a poem.

Anyways, I think, for the first line, you should definitely make it into two lines. Split it where the period is and bring the "I'm not sad" down to be it's own line. It's a strong line and begins the poem with a potent understanding that the reader must be able to grasp hold of. If it were me, I would also cut the line after lethargy and bring "that makes one heavy" down to the next line. Then add with on the end and put existence as the last line in the stanza. I feel as if you should add a middle stanza, short and to the point like the first one, yet it would allow the poem to happen slower. Right now, it's kind of like "blah blah blah, oh wait, its done already?", and you don't want readers to think that. It will push them away. True, you do not need much, just something else.

I love the ending because that truly is what depression feels like if you put it in simple terms. If you came up with that on your own, touche, it's the perfect line. Though, I do think you should separate it into two lines.
"I am here,
But I feel nothing."
That gets the point across better and it allows for a deeper understanding because the reader would take a breath between the lines. It would flow easier.

As my last bit of advice, I would definitely change the title to something more creative. For example, something dark and dreary, maybe dull, yet something that will still pull the reader in. Saying depressed was the title made me almost not click on this (though I'm glad I did) so you may want something not so obviously depressing, if you get what I mean.

Great work,
Emmy

PS- If you are going through depression, which by the sound of your poem and the truth in it, you are, then I have some personal advice for you. Never give up. Okay? Do not give in to the pain or the loneliness, it will get better. I still look to the future and hope that everything will change. It is true that I gave in to temptation and cut myself a couple times. Just please don't ever do that, I beg you. Good luck, and if you EVER need to talk, just PM me.

This is very beautiful, Yatta, because you have chosen each word carefully. There is no excess here. Your words echo the heaviness that you feel. Although there are few of them, the way that you have chosen them makes perfect sense to the reader trying to understand how you are feeling.

My favorite line of your poem is "a lethargy--that makes one heavy/with existence". I especially love the way that you have spaced it, putting "with existence" on its own line in a way that just /feels/ heavy. This is really perfect.

The only part that I don't like as much is your final stanza. No, that's wrong. I love your final stanza. But I think that you could improve it. Just as personal preference, I'm not a fan of the quotation marks around your last line. They don't fit with the rest of the poem--they don't seem nearly as apathetic as the rest. If I were you (although I am not) I would just scratch the quotes altogether and leave the line as-is. But that's just me, so it's really your call.

In any case, I really loved this. Beautiful work! Keep writing!

Wow. Good piece despite it's short length. Surprisingly good, actually. I first saw it and thought "wow, two stanzas??" But I quite like it.
And It makes complete sense.
It's short and to the point - it portrays depression perfectly. It isn't some large complex thing. It's simple and it just...is.
I also like that not everything is capitalized...gives it a better feel/mood

Bravo!

Love and rocket boots, fictionfanatic

Hey there!
I liked this quite a bit. I like how you didn't take a typical stand on depression, like 'woe is me, I'm so sad, boo-hoo", but actually made the reader feel something, though the speaker is talking about feeling nothing. I adore how simple your lines are, nothing complex or long. I think the length is just right, as though the depression cut the speaker short. My only con, is that I think the ending line would have been stronger if it was "I am here. But, I feel nothing." I think it would create a stronger contradiction with a period and a pause after but. But that's all I have to say! Wonderful piece- keep on writing!
~Epic

Crazy perfect! With just six lines, you gave us so much information that could keep us thinking for hours! But one thing you need to consider is your length. Even if you're confident that you could could send out an important message with this poem, the readers might want more. That's an important factor to consider when one is a writer, isn't it?

Perfect until perfection!
You could've done better with the length of this poem.
Remember one thing Length= Quality.
That's what you want to get out to your readers, quality!
My favourite line- "It's just sunkeness-- a lethargy"
Lines like that show that you have potential.
Good Luck on your journey!

-----
Team Green Hulk

This is good -- I Think maybe if it was longer, it would be better. And depression definitely IS like that! Very well done
Write on!!!!
~Sarah Anna
www.sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com