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The Forest

by Yasmindaiha


“I can’t feel my limbs. S-Santana, I can’t feel my limbs!” Josh panicked. The brother and sister were almost out of the forest until a snake bit Josh. He fell to the ground and moments later started yelling. His whole body went numb. As he tried to get up there was no use because he fell right back down.

Everyone always warned to stay away from this forest, but Josh and Santana made a bet to see who can last the longest without complaining.

“Josh, you have to be quiet,” Santana warned. “We don’t know what or who lives in this forest and I’m really not trying to find out.”

“I can’t believe you made me agree to this bet.”

“I didn’t make you agree to anything. This was all you.”

“Whatever. Can you at least try and do something? We can’t just stay here all night.”

“Alright come on. We have to try and get you somewhere safe.” Santana grabbed his arm and hung it around her neck, instantly feeling his whole weight on her.

“Damn it Josh. At least a little help would be greatly appreciated.”

The brother and sister started to make their way through the forest, one step at a time, trying to make as little noise as possible. They were walking for what seemed like hours, Josh just getting worse. His breathing became slower and he started to wheeze.

“Josh, you have to stay awake. Okay? No matter what just stay awake. We’re almost out, I know it.”

Santana tried her hardest to make sure Josh didn’t panic but she had no idea where they were. Sweat trickled down her forehead and as Joshes breathing slowed, hers sped. What if we don’t get out in time? What if Josh dies? Santana knew she had to do something.

As if on cue a small wooden house appeared. Santana gripped Josh tighter and started rushing to the door. Before she could knock, the door opened, and an old lady appeared with a big grin on her face.

“Hi, my name is Santana, and this is my brother Josh. Can you please help us? He’s been hurt.”

“Yes, yes of course my dear bring him in and put him on the couch.”

Santana stumbled inside and carefully lay him down. She backed up and looked around the living room. She raised her eyebrows but decided to ignore the fact that the whole house had kid toys laying around.

“Oh my, dear you look so parched. Let me make you some tea,” the old lady said as she walked to the kitchen. Santana stood there awkwardly. Arms to the side swaying back and forth but her eyes never left Josh.

A couple minutes later the old lady returned with two cups in her hand. She handed one to Santana and motioned her to drink it. Santana didn’t want to seem rude and decline so she lifted the cup to her mouth but decided it was too hot.

Santana noticed a wall filled with children’s pictures hanging up.

“Are these your grandchildren?”

“Drink the tea dear. It will make you feel better,” the old lady insisted, completely ignoring the question.

Santana’s lips parted, and her head cocked to the side, but she brought the cup to her lips once more. As soon as she finished with the cup of tea, Santana started to feel tired. Her eyes kept closing and her breathing became shallow. The old lady watched but didn’t do anything.

“Help,” Santana pleaded but nothing.

“Drink more tea my dear. You’ll feel better, I promise,” the old lady said with a smile. Moments later Santana fell to the ground. The old lady finally rose and went to check her pulse. Nothing.

Josh had no idea what was going on but soon noticed that Santana wasn’t around.

“Where’s Santana?” he even struggled to say those words. They came out hoarse and slow.

“She just went to get you some water my dear.”

The old lady had another cup of tea in her hand and started to walk closer to Josh.

“Here my dear, have some tea.”

“I’m okay, thank you,” Josh turned away and tried to sleep again.

“I insist, I promise, you’ll feel much better,” the old lady inched closer, holding the cup up.

Josh gave in and grabbed the cup. He drank it in one take and as soon as he finished he began to cough.

“What’s wrong my dear? You don’t like my tea?”


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9 Reviews


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Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:46 am
shipra10 wrote a review...



Hi!
Well,the story was a good one. But I have a few suggestions.
The story has an interesting beginning. But it would look much better if there was any short description of the forest.

You could make the scenery of the house more vivid by showing its awkwardness more.

Then it will be more interesting, if you say something about how was the tea,its appearance and tastes etc.

The incidents occurred too fast. Keep a harmony.

Lastly,make the ending a little bit more understandable.

That's all. By the way,well done and keep writing. :)




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Fri Dec 21, 2018 5:04 pm
lemonayyde wrote a review...



Hey Yasmindaiha! I really enjoyed this story! You did a great job capturing the bickering between two siblings and the creepiness of the old lady! I only have a few notes.

I would say maybe add a little more apprehension to the house and the old lady on behalf of both of the children, especially after Santana brought it up as a warning at the beginning of the story. Maybe having something drastic happen that gave them no other choice- the sun setting and they can hear rustling in the bushes, the howl of wolves in the distance and her brother unable to even support himself upright.

I also think it would be interesting to learn a little bit of a motive for the old lady before Santana dies or she gives the tea Josh. Perhaps mentioning something as small as some of her wrinkles seeming to disappear or having much more energy than before, hinting that she steals their youth. Really, whatever you want her motive to be- it could add an even more extreme sense of dread for the ending.

Great job on this! Your writing style is truly awesome :)




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Fri Dec 21, 2018 4:26 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



It was very interesting, it reminded me of Hansel and Gretal, there were a few things in it that could be tweaked.

In the first paragraph, you tell us that Josh was bitten by a snake, you could've shown Santana shouting out as a snake but him.
Also, I didn't feel like Santana was very worried about her brother, and how is Josh walking it be can't feel his limbs? Is Santana carrying him?
Finally, when Santana asks the woman of they can come inside, it sounded more like she was asking to use her bathroom or something. The stakes felt really low well I read well I read this.

You did a great job, and keep writing!




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 11:34 pm
deleted19 wrote a review...



SPOOKY. This sounds like Hansel and Gretel in a major way.
The opening dialogue feels like there are two people standing talking robotically in a dark room. Remember that as the characters are talking they need to be doing something, even if its breathing.
What was a little unrealistic to me was the way the house just appeared out of nowhere and they both ran to it without question. I would think they would have a much more fearful and dubious reaction to the house.
I like the parallels with Hansel and Gretel and the evil witch. Definitely an intriguing idea.
Good job on this. Happy writing!




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:46 pm
emefalarbi3031 says...



Heyyy Yasmindaiha
This is a good story. The suspense is very good. Im really eager to know what happens next. But the events are too sudden from the beginning,. You could add more to the plot to mae it more interesting. Very good job though. Keep it up.




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:08 pm
JulietWrites wrote a review...



Hi! I've been trying to review more, so now is a good place to start.

“Josh, you have to be quiet,” Santana warned. “We don’t know what or who lives in this forest and I’m really not trying to find out.”

I would say good so far, except try to make the suspicion a little more subtle.

“I can’t believe you made me agree to this bet.”

“I didn’t make you agree to anything. This was all you.”

“Whatever. Can you at least try and do something? We can’t just stay here all night.”

Okay, what time period is this? They talk like kids from the 2010s but the whole setting of the story is very medieval.

Santana tried her hardest to make sure Josh didn’t panic but she had no idea where they were. Sweat trickled down her forehead and as Joshes breathing slowed, hers sped. What if we don’t get out in time? What if Josh dies? Santana knew she had to do something.

Little Nitpicky Detail: Change 'Joshes' to 'Josh's'

As if on cue a small wooden house appeared. Santana gripped Josh tighter and started rushing to the door. Before she could knock, the door opened, and an old lady appeared with a big grin on her face.

Okay, good but this is very, very cliche. You're writing this story with a Mystery/Horror tone but it's just so typical that it's going to be impossible for me to be surprised by anything.

“Yes, yes of course my dear bring him in and put him on the couch.”

LND: add a comma after the second 'yes'.

Arms to the side swaying back and forth but her eyes never left Josh.

This sentence is very confusing. You know, have you considered getting Grammarly? It can really help with this sort of thing.

Santana noticed a wall filled with children’s pictures hanging up.

“Are these your grandchildren?”

“Drink the tea dear. It will make you feel better,” the old lady insisted, completely ignoring the question.

Why would she ignore the question? It's obvious these are the other children she killed, but she wouldn't want to sound suspicious. It's more likely that she would say yes to the question.

“What’s wrong my dear? You don’t like my tea?”

Ooh, spooky! I like it, but from the beginning, it was kind of obvious what was going to happen. That being said, this is a very nice little spooky short. Good job and keep writing!




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 3:43 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hi Yasmindaiha!

You should have completed it! i am dying to know what will happen next!
What will happen?! What will happen?! What will happen?!

Does he like it or not?! I need to knoooooooow!

'Sweat trickled down her forehead and as Joshes breathing slowed, hers sped.' In this sentence, 'Joshes' should be turned into Josh's, 'cause Joshes sounds like it's multiple Joshes. Do you get what I mean? Hope you do!

One more thing:
I absolutely love your story! Please continue before I start dreaming up ideas!

~Liberty500




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 11:27 am
Chase7 wrote a review...



Hi Yasmindaiha!

First off, I'm loving it. Has alot of potential. Could even become an entire book about this one scene that you wrote. You really have magic in your fingers and you must definitely keep writing.

Uhm, I'm not really sure how but I suggest you do some more work on the first paragraph. I love the opening words of Josh and all but afterwards the information explaining the accident was a little heavy. It wasn't really flowing if you get me. Maybe you should play around with words and the order of the paragraph (EXCLUDING THE OPENING OF JOSH). Maybe you can even give a name to the snake to make it sound like some urban legend that no one believed.

In paragraph 3 you also say "what or who" when I say it would be more dynamic to say "who or what" but that's just me.

I have to agree with Rascalover on the house. It just comes out of nowhere in some creepy forest that locals warn people about and they just run in there without hesitation. You could possibly make the old woman appear out of nowhere and she offers her assistance. After some hesitation they eventually go into her creepy house out of desperation of Josh's condition. If you put it this way it makes it more realistic.

And explaining the scenery more could've helped the reader picture it better. Maybe by adding animal noises in the background, etc.

And as a question, Does Josh pass out or something? Because I don't really understand why he'd drink a drink his sister drank before disappearing.

But I really do love the idea and the piece itself. Keep working magic.

Chase




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 8:47 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!

This is very reminiscent of Hansel and Gretel. While reading it I even got hints of The Land Of Stories (if you don't know then book series, please look it up; it is amazing!).

Plot: The only thing that seemed a bit off is that then forest is a dangerous place, and both kids know this. They have been warned about this place, and yet when some random house comes out of nowhere the girl immediately runs to it? If I were the girl, I would be very suspicious of anything that came out of nowhere like that. I would question everything around me and want to get my brother back home immediately, or at least out of the forest to where normal people could help him.

I think I would also like to see a little bit of the brother and sister egging each other on to get into the forest. A scene like that would help explain that the forest was a dangerous place, without just telling your readers.

Other than that, I think this was a fun piece to read, and I am excited to see more of your work! If you need anything, feel free to ask,
Rascalover




Liberty says...


I agree Rascalover, The Land of stories is AMAZING!

~Liberty500




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