Thinking of you
On this beautiful night
Lonely and blue
On this perfect sight
I feel this pain
Deep inside my heart
Like a heavy rain
Falling tears start
As I remember
The days when you were mine
Then that cold day in December
When you drew the line
The brick wall that you
Put between the two of us
Left me with nothing to do
But let my tears gush
I was always true
And I never lied
So were you
But still our love died
So hard to forget
All the memories we had
My only regret
Is that I was left sad.
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140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
its sad and a lil pathetic how much i can relate to this poem. But somethings made me cringe. OK, i'll show you.
"The brick wall that you
Put between the two of us
Left me with nothing to do
But let my tears gush"
For me, i would have made it-
The brick wall,
that you put between the two of us,
Left me with nothing to do
But let my tears gush.
and this part,
"Like a heavy rain
Falling tears start".
we know tears and rain fall, but you could probably change the falling part to something like "disquieting" maybe.
"Lonely and blue
On this perfect sight"
what's the perfect sight? it felt like you just needed something to rhyme with night. maybe it could be
"Lonely and blue,
Reminded of your perfect sight "
But i loved it anyways. keep writing babes!
I know right? I wrote this when I was like fifteen and looking back on it now I realize how bad it really was. I don't even know why I thought it was so good at the time. Thanks for reviewing anyway.
Yoyo! Tori here.
So; this poem didn't strike me as anything special or original. Just another sad break-up poem. Been there; done that.
You had a consistent rhyme scheme, though, which I appreciate. It was well-structured, and flowed nicely enough. No real imagery of striking emotion, but you get your point across. So, my overall opinion? Not a great poem: but it shows your promise as a writer. Keep writing, you'll only get better! Remember to add imagery and nice poemy stuff. As Matt said, make it personal. Good luck, and keep it up!
-Tori
Hi! I feel your emotion through this poem but I think that some parts of it are a little cliché - comparing tears to rain, for example. As Lavvi said, there wasn't much new here and I think that it sounds like anyone could have written it - you need to put your own personal touch to it. Maybe you could think of something that's unique to you - a specific memory or image, for example. For example, you said about a brick wall between you, was there something someone did in particular that made you feel that way? Just something that can make it a touch more personal.
Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you today.
So, nothing in this poem really struck me as something new. There are so many people who already write about heartbreak that now it feels kind of dull and unoriginal to use. And you better be a damn good poet to pull it off if ever you want to xD
Anyway, I found the rhyming was rather simple, and I think you could have done better. It felt so juvenile and the rhymed words were so plain that I found it as hard or more to visualize something. The brick wall metaphor is so over-used that it didn't even feel like it added a metaphor at all, but that's just me. It just felt like a...poem to me. It didn't feel like a poem, y'know? I hope I'm not being too confusing
There were some times too that broke the rhythm.
Yours,
Lavvi
Hey, Yanni (: A few things.
I think this would sound a lot more appropriate if you made it, "When you withdrew the line". Because on the next stanza it starts off with, "The brick wall that you put between the two of us". It also works in the same way when you think about it as the other pulling away. This is simply a suggestion.
I think that this poem was cute in its own way, but it also seemed very simply written. The rhyme pattern was very young, and I think you could have probably done so much more with it as far as words go.
Nice work anyway though.
I like this poem. It's simple and sweet. With some rhyming happening as well. However,there are some lines which are a bit cliched and overused to me. Also, I think that you should explain why the characters broke up, I can't seem to find an explanation of it anywhere. It just seemed a bit too sudden:
But why? Why did he (I'm assuming it's a he here, forgive me if I'm wrong) draw the line? I think that you could explain this line a bit more. Otherwise, this poem is a very pretty and simple one. Nothing wrong with that.
WOw ! o_o SOunds like some of the things i write -_- Just that yours is PERFECTO !
You have talent man...wow. I like the way you could feel the narrator's pain; and when you compared the tears to rainfall...i was lik 'ohh myy' EXACTLY what i do!!! 
what a coincidence i mst say...