Happy review day!
Specifics
1.
I take a deep breath and open the door to face the person responsible for my birth and the person who I am responsible for. “Why are you so late?” he asks, but I ignore him, paying more attention to the mess around him.
2.
Does the dad say brought instead of bring on purpose? It seems really odd because most people know the correct word, even young people, so it feels really weird unless he's not very smart? Also did you mean potato chips?My dad gets up from the couch and looks at me. “Did you brought what I ask you for?” he asks and I nod. He asked for potato ships, soda, energy drinks, and more ships.
3.
I think maybe 'was or is' would work better instead of using the slash because then it sounds more like she really is recounting her story to us.My dad has dementia, he was/is a drug addict, and he loves energy drinks. I say was/is because he always tells me that he isn’t an addict, but he escapes sometimes to get his stuff. He expects me not tonoticednotice, but when you are the one cleaning the house you notice the little big details.
4.
“Mr. Morganisit's right there, you can find it,” I say. I can’t refer to him as my Dad. He doesn’t remember me, only sometimes. They say he may have Alzheimer’s, but they don’t know for sure yet.
5.
“Lilith!” he calls loudly, and I look at him. “What are you doinginon the floor? Tell your mom to help you,” he says.
6.
The first two years a woman was taking care of him, but afteraI graduated from high school I’ve been taking care of him. “Get up child,” he insists. I get up and pretend to go upstairs to look for mom and then go down. “What did she say?”
7.
I get inside to find my Dad with a knife. I get scared, butisit's not the first time it has happen. “Who are you and why are you getting inside my house?” he asks.
8.
“I am you care giver Mr. Morgan,” Iexplainedexplain calmly to avoid getting him irritated. “Please calm down.”
9.
“Care giver? For what?” he asks confused. I take a deep breath.
10.
“I’ll put it away myself,” he says and walks to the kitchen confused. I walk behind him at a safe distance, and he puts it away. “Where’s Cathy? Where’s my daughter Lilith?” he asks.
11.
“You ran out a while ago, I’ll buy more tomorrow,” I lie. He hasn’t drank beer for three years and a half. He nods and takes an energy drink.
Overall
I'm not sure I understand the opening about the serial killer but that may be because I didn't read the first chapter.
Anyway, I think you do a good job of portraying the sometimes lucid moments of her father and there's some good emotion in this piece, but a little more description would make it even better. Which room does this take place in? Is the house kind of messy because it's hard to look after both him and the house, kind of run down because there's no money coming in to pay the bills? I t would be nice to have an idea of their surroundings and that would also give us more detail on their living situation.
I'm not sure if there's enough action in this chapter to hold my attention, though the character development is nice. It's hard to see where the story is going though and the only hint of the overarching plot is that line about the serial killer at the beginning which isn't revisited. If there is one around, is she worried about her dad? He's not in the best position to defend himself since he can't tell who's friend or foe.
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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