Published July 22, 2008
Lightning rent the pitch blackness of night. Thunder shook the ground so hard it might of split. Harpler paced his cell. There hadn’t been a gale this fierce in nigh one hundred and thirty-seven years! He knew something unusual… no… extraordinary… was about to happen, though what he had no clue. Lightning flashed again, and for a brief moment, the man thought he could see the shadow of a figure on the wall. However, this was not just any figure. It appeared to be a warrior. Somehow, just looking at that shadow, he knew that this person was of a pure heart, and that his sword was used for good only.
As suddenly as it had appeared, the shadow vanished. Harpler looked around, but no one else seemed to have seen it. He was just wondering if maybe his mind was playing tricks on him out of sheer longing to be out. Just as he came out of this thought, another man clad in dark robes entered the cell block through a heavy wooden door. He walked down the aisle, and as he did so, Harpler could feel evil radiating of the man in the robes, growing stronger with his every step.
The man stopped in front of Harpler and smiled maliciously.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
This is the prologue of the story an is meant to be all mysterious and stuff, but I will make some changes. Thanks for the help!
Comments in red.
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Lightning rent the pitch blackness of night. Thunder shook the ground so hard it might of split. These are kind of standard phrases, thus they are kind of cliche. When you're talking thunderstorms you really have to dig deep or you get stock phrases, so I think you ought to consider what you're trying to convey and work on it more. Harpler paced his cell. There hadn’t been a gale this fierce in nigh one hundred and thirty-seven years! Meh. I'm not one for the dialect business and "nigh on" is pretty high-flung. Also he's a prisoner. This doesn't sound like prison-talk to me. He knew something unusual… no… extraordinary… was about to happen, though what he had no clue. Lightning flashed again, and for a brief moment, the man thought he could see the shadow of a figure on the wall. However, this was nit not just any figure. It appeared to be a warrior. He sees a shadow for a split-second and can classify its job description? Impessive.Somehow, just looking at that shadow, he knew that this person was of a good heart, and that his sword was used for good only. And can classify the personality too! Man, this guy is psycic!
As suddenly as it had appeared, the shadow vanished. Harpler looked around, but no one else seemed to have seen it. He was just wondering if maybe his mind was playing tricks on him out of sheer longing to be out. Okay, this is going to sound terrible, but the first thing I thought of when I read this was "out of his mind". As in his mind was longing to be crazy. Reword for clarity. Just as he came out of this thought, another man clad in dark robes Is Harpler also clad in dark robes? entered the cell block through a heavy wooden door. He walked down the aisle, and as he did so, Harpler could feel evil radiating of the man in the robes, growing stronger with his every step.
The man stopped in front of Harpler and smiled maliciously.
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There isn't much to go on here. Hone in on the MC and give more of his personality. I have no idea what he looks like, or how he thinks, or how he feels about being in prison.
As an aside, did you say you were doing this for NaNo? As in National Novel Writing Month? That doesn't start until November...
Well, let me know if you have any questions.
Avens
Alright, this was decent. First a grammar mistake, though...
"However, this was not just any figure."
I thought this sentence kind of killed the feel of the rest of the paragraph. You say of a good heart, and then you talk about how the sword was used for good only. It seemed repetitive I would suggest wording it differently.
"Somehow, just looking at that shadow, he knew that this person was of a good heart, and that his sword was used for good only."
This whole thing was pretty good, but it did not really give the reader enough to work with or to care about the character. I feel like you told too much too soon. Stretch it out a little more, and show us more than tell us. You did a good job of showing at the beginning of the first paragraph, then kind of lost it from there.
Keep working on this. It has plenty of potential.