Young Writers Society

Hi there! I'll jump right into it~

First thing that I noticed was the inconsistent use of punctuation in your dialogue, which made it a bit difficult to read. Here are some quick articles here on YWS about this very topic you might find useful: Dialogue Punctuation and Puncuation in Dialogue. The other thing to note is that you don't typically want to break up dialogue over different paragraphs unless it gets really long. Take this example:

"I'm so happy you came," Annie said. "I didn't think that you would be able to come."

Even though this character said two different lines, they were still in the same paragraph because they're two pretty short ideas. That makes it less confusing for the reader to know who is speaking at any given point.

Next thing, I saw that you give us a better explanation of the magic system of this novel in the comments below, which is great that you've got it planned out! The main issue is that the information isn't in the novel itself, which meant that I was pretty confused as I was reading through this piece. It's a difficult thing to strike a balance between introducing new concepts to the reader but not giving away too much at once. As I'm sure you already know, you definitely don't want to just put an info-dump about the magic in the middle of your chapter, because it messes up the flow of it. You want to try to create situations where you can show off the rules of the world to teach the reader by example. For instance! You could show us a scene of the separating ceremony happening (maybe to someone else through the narrator's eyes as an outside perspective), or you could have some internal thought about their lack of a Reflect, etc.

The other big idea I wanted to touch on this that you've got a lot of dialogue, and I'm glad to see that you're stepping right into the action, but it is a bit confusing to read. The reason is that this feels like a lot of talking heads, and I don't have any mental image of what is happening. Where are the characters right now? I know there was some kind of crash, but how long ago was it? Is the narrator near the carriage? Where the guard come from (did they notice the crash and stop to help?) What do their surroundings look like? What do the other guards/girl look like?

I also have no clue what was happening with the girl. First she was being held by the guards and then they did what she asked them? It was a little bit hard to follow. As I said above, adding a bit more description to the scene around the dialogue so we can have a better mental image of what is going on will help your story a lot!

I think you have some good ideas here, but working on adding some more to the narration would go a long way to presenting them better I wish you luck with the rest of your novel!

~ Wolfe

For a little story or term knowledge

okay, so A reflect is a mirror version of you who can move talk and everything a human can
only Magicks have reflect's. When a magick is 18-20 they can use the separating ceremony to let their magick out of the mirror. There is a group known as the Rose-robed who when they get their reflect out, the reflect and the magick compete in mortal combat to decide who gains full power of their magic. a lot of people don't separate from their reflect because it gives them advantages in jobs such as teaching guard work and lots others.

Magic is gained from the reflect. Reflect's when gone through the separating ceremony lose half their power which goes to their magick.

all a little background info. The boy Yuharu was born without reflect but could still do magick.
Reflects are treated with respect so are girls so a girl-reflect is sort of one at the top of the respect line.

Regular's are the second-lowest on the respect line to most magicks
the rose robed gaining first

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is certainly quite an interesting place to start a story off. It looks like you have quite the world built up her for the story as a whole and there's some pretty interesting questions brought up right in the first chapter which usually bodes quite well for the story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“I Don't remember much of what happened After the crash, the carriage suddenly ran off the road!” I explained to the guardsmen of the Forestar kingdom.

“Is there anyone you remember being near the carriage, or were there any noises outside prior to the crash”? Asked A particularly tall man in a gold plated guardsman suit.

“I don't remember anything in particular, just the rumbling of the wheels over the cobblestone trail”.I responded.

“Well perhaps you're reflect might know more about this situation, He does follow you around after all” He decided while fooling around with his jacket.

“I Don't think that will help, um you see I can do magic but I don't really have a-”

“Ach! Let me go , Let me go” A girls voice interrupted me. I turned to the source of the abruptance, looking straight across at me from the other side of the mirror was a long haired chick?

“Who the heck are you”? I questioned the girl.

“Hhmm.. incredible what a strange course of events. A Male Magick with a female Reflect?

Well I still have some questions so I will ask you for your answers”asked the man referring to the Girl in the mirror.

“Wait first, l want my own answers”I demanded

“Shut him up” the girl commanded

“Yes Madam” the guard bowed then waved His off-hand at two guards.

“Hey wait no,you don't have to do this!” I protested as the guards closed in and grabbed me.

“This isn't going to hurt a bit” the man started laughing to himself.

“The ride was nice, actually quite pleasant until This Lughead had to pee, he went outside, once the carriage stopped then a couple of robbers came out and lugged him on the side of the head. I didn't see anyone on my side so I guess whoever attacked him didn't have a reflect”she finished with.

(Pee,pee! I never did no such thing!)