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The Unbearable Stillness

by YGK55


Well, the past six years of my life have offered me nothing. My life has been as tasteless as it could possibly be. I still remember that strange day when I woke up as usual to enjoy my sweet little day only to find the world being unusually silent. Everyone I knew had vanished. In fact every human on this planet was gone. And guess what, no one has returned till yet. I wanted to kill myself but courage never came to my rescue. With a heavy steel vessel filled with water in my hands and thoughts like these in my head, I was standing in front of the place where I slept. I did not feel like calling it home anymore. I looked at the house and those sweet memories with my family came back. I could recall how much my parents loved the house and how much effort did they make to buy and decorate it. But, now everything had more or less become a dead leaf lying on the ground waiting to decay.

I proceeded to the door when to my surprise it was slightly opened. When I went closer I could also hear footsteps. I was so much excited, maybe the first time in years. I put the vessel on the floor and stood silently at the door waiting for someone to come out. But, the sound of footsteps was slowly diminishing. So, I decided to go in and meet the person myself. I went to the living room where I saw a girl standing in front of me with her back turned towards me. She wore a yellow top over a blue coloured jeans . She had long black hair that seemed somewhat relatable. I called her and she turned towards me. I was shocked to see the face that I had hated more than anything.

It was Emily Austin, the most arrogant girl I had ever met. She was not that much beautiful but was pretty smart. Throughout my school life I did fairly well in my studies .Getting grades had always been an obsession for me. I always came second in my class but I could never be happy about it. The sole reason was Emily. She usually got perfect scores. She used to beat me every time and that too with a pretty decent margin. And then she would make sure to humiliate me for something or other. She was also great at dancing and swimming and represented the school in various competitions. On the other hand, I was a kid who just hated going to the stage or try making the efforts to play a sport. Whenever we met, she would insult me. I tried to hit back but was usually an obvious loser. I hated meeting her. But, this time it was so entirely different. I did not feel any hatred or envy. I  simply asked, "Hi, how have you been doing and how come are you here?". She replied," Can't you see idiot? I am bleeding. Get me some medicine first." I had not noticed that she had cut her finger. I went upstairs and brought the first aid box. I offered to help her clean the wound but she did not respond. She did it herself and after applying some antiseptic she bandaged it. Then I offered her some fruits that I got from the trees that my neighbour used to grow. She sat down on the chair and started eating them hungrily.

After she had finished, I repeated my question," How come are you here?".She responded," I slipped down the stairs and went unconscious. When I woke up and went around I realized that everybody was gone. I could not find anyone until you. It has been two days since that happened. I have never felt so lonely." I shook my head and said," Well, this loneliness has been stuck to me since six damn years and I have lost all hope to ever see everything back to normal again". She turned pale with fear. She obviously wanted to cry but her ego did not allow her especially in front of me. She said that she wanted to sleep. I told her to rest in my room upstairs.

Things had become very quiet after she left. I sat near the window silently and enjoyed the moonlight. I sort of felt happy talking to someone after such a long time. I remembered those school days when I used to argue so much with Emily just to prove myself right but now I just did not feel quarrelling with her at all. It is not that I started falling for her or something. It is more like that at least there was someone like me as well. I did not know when I fell asleep.

The next day I was in my bed. I quite remembered sleeping near the window and got confused. I ran around the house to find Emily but there was no sign of her. I checked outside but still failed. It took my idiotic self few minutes to realize that it had been nothing but a dream. I was still stuck into this hellish world with no one, not even Emily. My heart broke down and I just couldn't control my tears.

My stupid life started going the same way again. The only thing that used to bring some change were the dreams that I saw when I slept. They took me to a different world and kicked me back when I woke up. I wished I could record my dreams and play them again and again.

One day I was in my room, when I heard someone knock on the door. I could not contain my happiness. I ran towards the door but I skipped a stair and landed hard straight on my head. It just took me just a couple of seconds to lose my consciousness.

My eyes opened. I was lying in a hospital room all surrounded by strange machines. The nurse saw me and immediately called the doctor. He entered and started performing some tests on me. I was too confused to think anything. I was maybe back into the real world; the heaven against that hell. My parents entered the room; their eyes red with tears. I saw them and trust me, I thought I was seeing God. Being without them for so much time had made me realize how much they cared for me and how much did they mean to me. The doctor told me that I had been into a coma for the past six years and they had lost all hope if I would ever wake up. My mother embraced me and we both burst into tears. She said that I was running down the stairs when I slipped and landed on my head which immediately caused me to lose consciousness until now. I was so much happy to be back into my lovely world again. But it wasn't just another sweet dream, right?


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5 Reviews


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Mon Jan 21, 2019 1:33 pm
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mechasvi969 wrote a review...



hi YGK55,
Your story appeared to me just like a snapshot or a glimpse of life which I never tried to imagine.You illustrated a world which was never familiar to me.I really loved the way in which you introduced the twist at the end of the story.The sentence which I liked the most in the story was ' the heaven against that hell'.I enjoyed the story but at some points I found it difficult to understand the things properly.So I would like to propose some suggestions that I think will help you.In the sentence,'I looked at the house and those sweet memories with my family came back.' 'to me' should be added in the end part.now here in, 'But, now everything had more or less become a dead leaf lying on the ground waiting to decay.'I suggest you to use 'has become more or less like a'.In'I proceeded to the door when to my surprise it was slightly opened.'I think open should come.I couldn't get the meaning of phrase'how come are you there'.So if you could please provide me that meaning, I would be grateful.I also couldn't understand the meaning of'used to grow.'Here I thought that the tree was not there at that point of time.In'I could not find anyone until you'.I would prefer but instead of until.in'I did not know when I fell asleep.'fall should be there.At last I also found it difficult to correlate the phrase'all around the house'with that particular situation.So if I have done some mistake in suggestions please notify me.




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Sun Jan 20, 2019 12:05 am
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey YGK55,

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! My style tends to be to make comments as I'm reading about anything that stands out to me (positive or negative!) and then give a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

In fact every human on this planet was gone.


Every human, or every other human? This kind of implies that the narrator is non-human, if /every/ human was gone, you know?

I went to the living room where I saw a girl standing in front of me with her back turned towards me.


You want to watch the repetition of words in close proximity to one another. Here you have the word "me" repeated twice in the same sentence -- which is an issue that is rather easy to correct, so I thought I'd point it out.

In this case you could easily add in a description of where the girl is standing/what she is doing rather than how you phrase it now. An example: "I went to the living room and saw a girl standing with her back turned towards me." Would be the easiest way to change this. But you could also be like "I went to the living room and saw a girl standing in the center of the room, back towards me, staring intently at the painting on the far wall."

See what I mean? Find creative ways to re-phrase things so that you reduce the need for repeating words so close to each other.

She had long black hair that seemed somewhat relatable.


I don't know that "relatable" is the word you want here. For one, I don't think it's properly a word. I mean yes I know people use it, but I think it's kind of like "ain't" where people use it but it's not technically a real word.

Plus, relatable means that it's similar. Like "Oh I failed my math test" "Relatable." You know? Kind of used to compare two things. So unless your narrator has long black hair then it wouldn't be relatable -- and even if they did, this would be a really odd way to relay that. I'd definitely look into finding another word for this.

"Hi, how have you been doing and how come are you here?"


This seems, well... excessively mild? It has been SIX YEARS since the narrator has seen another human being and his reaction is just a cool hi how are you? Sort of thing? I think I'd like to see more of an emotional reaction. Confusion, as to how she of all people was standing in his living room? Excitement at not being alone. Annoyance at WHO it is? I dunno what your narrator would be feeling, but that's largely because you haven't told us.

~ ~ ~

Okay!

This was a nice little story. I really liked the premise!

One big thing I noticed is you need to introduce your main character a bit better to us. I have no idea what their name is, what they look like, or even whether it's a boy or a girl -- much less having a guess at age etc.

I do also think it's weird that the narrator is aware of how much time has passed. I mean obviously I've never been in a coma -- but I have blacked out a couple of times. And while I can vaguely remember the thoughts I had while blacked out, I definitely didn't have any idea how much time was passing while I was passed out. It's weird to me that the concept of time exists for someone in a coma.

There were also a couple of grammatical errors scattered throughout that you should take another look at if you ever decide to go through an edit this story.

I did enjoy it, though! Great concept and I enjoyed reading it!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

P.S. Welcome to the site! I see you've been here a few weeks already, but I know it can be confusing when you're new-ish here, so feel free to hit me up if you ever have any questions!




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Sat Jan 19, 2019 8:51 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



This was very good, and the story was very interesting. I enjoyed it. There were four main things that I think could be improved on.
First of all, there were a few errors involving grammar. For example, "I was maybe back into the real world" It should've been. "Maybe I was back in the real world?" Or something like that. There were also some missing comas, or other awkward sentences. Try going through this one more time, and you'll catch them.
Second, the dialogue was a little awkward, and didn't sound very real. It was Okay, but it needs to be tweaked a bit.
Third, I with that there had been more dialogue when he came back from his coma. And more emotion. And more detail, too. That would have made the last scene amazing. As it is, its good.
Finally, you switched from present tense to past tense to present tense. This can be awkward, and pull your readers out of the story. You will see what I mean, if you just read through it again.
Otherwise, this was really good. If I came across as harsh, I apologize, I really did enjoy this. I do think everything I pointed out could make a difference. I hope you keep writing, and enjoy doing so!





When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides