Published July 24, 2016
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
He opened his arms, closed his eyes and smiled as he whirled around. He danced in harmony with the rhythmic sound of the raindrops hitting the ground. Each drop that fell on his body drowned away his sins. Or that's what he thought. Each time he whirled around he flew an inch higher. Or that's what he felt. "Allah" he said. It wasn't a plea to his God, but more of a one-word hymn.
"You are going to catch a cold" Layla said "Come inside, I made us some dinner" He smiled at her, and stood still for few seconds before he walked towards the green front door of this two storey pale yellow house, that wasn't any different than all the houses in that block in eastern Budapest. He walked through the narrow hallway towards the kitchen. They are used to eating in the kitchen; "Something about it is more intimate" Layla used to say. The baby blue and pale yellow colors of the hallway's walls always reminded him of the beach, he always imagined the blue waters hitting the sand as he walks by it.
"Smells amazing" Shams said as he smiled at Layla "I know, right?" She replied. Layla didn't move her eyes off her plate as she ate dinner. She gazed into the food for a long time before she held the lentil and poured some goulash into her plate from the big bowl centered on the kitchen's table.
"What's wrong?" Shams asked her
"Nothing really. It's just that you promised me you'll go after Eid, and it's been two weeks"
"I'll go tomorrow. I don't know why you want me to do this, they gave up on me, they just won't understand Layla. But I'll go tomorrow anyway"
"I know. I really do understand this, but you have to go, you know you do"
Silence filled air floated through the corners of the kitchen as they finished their dinner. The raindrops hit the wooden floor of the terrace in a slower pace. It seemed to stop shortly, which is good for Layla and Shams, as they are used to spending a part of their evening on the terrace; to talk, to play music, to kiss, and sometimes to fight. Layla was already on the terrace when Shams got there. He put his hands on her shoulders as she sat on the white plastic chair. Her black hair poured on her shoulders like ink on paper, matching the color of her swan tattoo on the back of her right shoulder.
"Did you call him?" Shams asked her
"Yes" She replied "He said he'll be here in ten minutes"
"Bence's ten minutes is like what? An hour?"
"No don't worry" she giggled "I'm sure he'll be here on time"
A few minutes later, an average built, black haired, blue eyed man appeared in their front yard. Bence wore tight black leather pants, a black chiffon shirt and held a white umbrella.
"Hey babies" Bence said waving at the couple sitting on the terrace
"Oh my God, what are you wearing?" Layla giggled
"I was at a dinner party. You like it?" he whirled around showing them his outfit as he approached the terrace
"Yea, I like it a lot, actually, I may lend it from you one day" Shams said in a sarcastic tone
"Babe, you'll be the hottest of them all in this" Bence said as he blew a kiss towards Shams
"Oh shut up" Shams said "We have a lot of work to do"
The three sat on the terrace for thirty minutes before they moved inside the house. They went upstairs to the second room on the left. Shams held his oud, while Bence sat in front of the Steinway upright piano placed in the corner of the room and Layla stood next to him, one hand on the piano, and held a music sheet with the other. Her voice floated smoothly like smoke through the air, in harmony with the warmth of the oud yet also with the sharpness of the piano. Shams usually falls into the warmth of Layla's deep brown eyes as he plays on his oud, but that day it was different. He was more focused. After all it's only a week before they perform live in Amsterdam and he wants everything to be perfect; like he always does.
The sunrays found its way through the white curtains, gently touched Shams' face, and kissed him good morning. He opened one eye yet the sunlight still found its way to both of his deep green eyes, insisting to wake him up. He reached out for his phone, opened the contacts list, and scrolled down till he found the contact name he was looking for. It read "Mom". He gazed at the phone for a few minutes until he finally got off the bed and dialed the number.
"Isaac?" A woman on the other end asked yearningly
"Good morning Mom" Shams said
"Isaac, oh good morning, good morning my dear" She replied
"How are you mom?"
"I'm fine sweetheart, how are you?"
"I'm okay. Listen, I was thinking about passing by today? Is it possible?"
"Sure dear you can come by anytime"
"Great! I'll be there round 12. Is he home?"
"Yes, he is. I swear to God Isaac he asked about you last week"
"Okay mom. I'll see you at 12 then"
Shams put down his phone and looked at it for a second or two before he took a deep breath. He kissed Layla's forehead but she didn't feel his lips on her skin. She usually wakes up when Shams kiss her in her sleep, but this morning she didn't. His heart pounded faster as the time got closer to 12. The minute he left the house and got into his burgundy 1967 Mustang, he noticed his hands were shaking. He took a deep breath before he starts the car. And another one. He looked at the small pile of paper folded on the chair next to him, and he finally moved. The short trip to his parents' house was vague to him. The road took the least of his attention as he drove through the Baroque-style buildings. Even the chain bridge, the one that he enjoys walking on the most, he didn't notice it. The traffic lights, the people, the river, it was all blur to him.
Shams stopped in front of a house on Dohany Street. He took the folded pile of paper, and walked towards the dark brown mahogany door of this gray house. Before Shams knocks, a green eyed, brown haired woman in her late forties opened the door.
"Isaac!" The woman said with tears in her eyes as she hugged Shams tight
"Hi mom. I miss you" Shams said in a soft tone
Shams followed her inside the house. He was inundated with hundreds of memories that abruptly hit his mind like an angry wave hits the shore. Wherever he looked there was a memory obscured. The table he used to sit on with his whole family to have dinners. His favorite hiding spot behind the cupboard when he played hide and seek with his sister. He smiled, when he remembered how small he was to fit between the cupboard and the wall. And it was still there, the menorah they used to gather around and his father would let him light the candles in Hanukah and sing Ma'Oz Tzur. And he finally stopped behind the rocking chair his dad sat in.
"Hi Dad" Said shams with a nervous tone of voice
Shams' dad didn't move or answer him.
"Yossi it's your son" Shams' mom said to his dad
"I have no sons Shlomit, and I don't think you do either" he replied
"No I do Yossi. Isaac, he's my son and yours"
"Isaac is dead. Is that Isaac? Ask him if that's even his name" Yossi said without looking at them
"Dad, I know that you are angry and you have all the right to be, but just listen to me"
"I'm done listening, you are not my son. I don't even know who you are anymore"
"Well, that's why I'm here. I just want you to listen"
"No you listen!" Yossi shouted as he stood up and looked at Shams "All these years I worked so hard for you and your sister, I thought you would carry my name and my legacy. I thought by now you would be running the family business. I thought my boy will carry the Azizi legacy and demise it to his boy. But what? Hah? What? Where's my boy now? I have no sons"
"Dad I'm sorry, I…"
"Shut up and get out" Yossi interrupted
"Yossi calm down. Would you please?" Shlomit said "Sit down Isaac"
"No" Yossi shouted "Get out"
"I will dad. I will get out. But you have to know that the only reason I came here is because I care about you, because you are my parents whether you liked it or not"
"Oh you care about us. Did you hear that Shlomit? He cares about us" Yossi said in a sarcastic tone "That's why he married his Muslim bitch, because he cares about us"
"Yossi please" Shlomit said crying
"Get the fuck out" Yossi said as he moved back to his chair
"I will. I knew this would happen, and just for you know this bitch is the one who keeps telling me to call you"
"I SAID GET OUT" Yossi shouts hysterically
Shams gave Shlomit the folded papers he held.
"Everything you need to know, you'll find it in here mom"
She hugged him tight for a minute. Her tears wet Shams' shirt.
"I have to go now mom" he said softly as he kissed Shlomit's hand
"I love you Isaac, I will talk to him"
Yossi broke down in tears the second Shams closed the door. Shlomit sat on his lap crying and hugged him.
"Why Yossi? Why?" said Shlomit
He didn't answer her. He went upstairs to their room and left her alone. Well, not alone. She had Shams' letter. She opened the letter with a shaking hand. She could barely see the letters through all the tears flooding off her eyes. She wiped her eyes with her hand and started to read.
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138,198 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
This is Craz with a review!
As requested, I won't do grammar and I'll focus on the overalls.
(I'd change up the words "around" and "ground". Maybe this is technically grammar (shh I'm saying it anyways) but the two words form an unintentional rhyme, and throws off the flow from sentence to sentence.)
Okay, so the transition from the dancing scene to the kitchen scene was strange. You start out with this nice picture of him doing a dance in the rain, and then the following scene doesn't add up the same amount of hype and in comparison the dance scene comes off as random and unnecessary. I suggest lengthening his time out in the rain and maybe expand upon its religious significance to him a bit more, just to give it some filling. Then, ease into the kitchen scene, describe Layla's disposition a bit more (she seems worried and uncertain) and exaggerate the importance of Eid, making the reader wonder about him. Put in some of Sham's emotions during the conversation; is he frustrated? Upset? Flippant?
I think that you need to write in Sham's thoughts during the rest of the kitchen scene, because then otherwise it's cut off a bit abruptly, like the dancing was. Maybe hint at what he has to do with Eid?
The introduction of Bence is also a bit sudden. Maybe allude to Bence visiting in the previous conversation?
It was a bit ambiguous between the music room and the morning. Again, I feel like the scene was cut short and not transitioned correctly, leaving it feeling incomplete.
I like the parent-son reunion. It offers more insight into Isaac's life and it provides conflict.
Overall, I think you most definitely need to work on the beginning. I think you're trying to fit too much in at once and it has a very generalized feeling to it, like you wanted to do those scenes but you also wanted to quickly move on to the parent-son reunion. I'm not saying that you should cut them out completely, I just think you need to work on your flow with it. I think the dancing scene provides a great intro, but maybe as Isaac walks into the house he begins to worry about his parents, the upcoming performance, and Eid. The dancing and the music can provide the positive peaks in your chapter, but otherwise I think you can infuse some more brooding on Isaac's side to foreshadow his meeting with his parents and the future struggles he will have.
Also, grammar is a big part of editing. It goes a long way to receive criticism for free instead of having to pay an editor to revise a work that has more mistakes
Thank you so much Crazy. Incredibly helpful as always, I understand what you are talking about and I will definitely adjust it a bit.
Hey YDRyan, here to give a little review. I thought that your characters were quite dynamic, and I sense that there are a great many things that readers will find out about them. I especially found the relationship between Shams and his parents complex with a lot of potential for conflict. Here are a couple of grammar and sentence structure mistakes I'd like to address:
Silence filled air floated through the corners of the kitchen as they finished their dinner. -> missing a 'the' between 'filled' and 'air', and sentence restructuring needed. A possible correction: Silence filled the air, floating through the corners of the kitchen as they finished their dinner.
"Yea, I like it a lot, actually, I may lend it from you one day" -> I think you might have meant 'borrowed' instead of 'lend'. Possible correction: Yeah, I like it a lot, actually. I may borrow it from you one of these days.
Even the chain bridge, the one that he enjoys walking on the most, he didn't notice it. -> The way this sentence is phrased is a bit awkward and clunky. Possible correction: He didn't even notice the chain bridge, the one that he enjoyed walking on the most.
I knew this would happen, and just for you know this bitch is the one who keeps telling me to call you -> Again, some missing words here. Possible correction: I knew this would happen, and just so you know, this 'bitch' is the one who keeps telling me to call you.
You don't have to follow my suggestions, but I just wanted to provide some tips to help you with your reviewing process.
Also, I was a little confused with the transition of a certain scene. One moment they were singing and playing music, and the next Shams is in bed. I know that because the YWS system doesn't allow for indentation of paragraphs, it's harder to discern one scene from the next, so I'd suggest throwing in a couple of spaces or dashes between scenes like this:
He fell asleep.
___
He never felt so useless before.
All in all, there's a lot of potential for this story and I can't wait to see what you do with it.
Hello intrastellars.
Thank you so much for your helpful review. I will of course follow your suggestions because I already know it has some grammatical and punctuational errors so I will definitely work it out. And I agree with you and Craz, the transition between the scenes is a bit icky, I noticed that myself while reading it a while after I wrote it.
Regarding the plot, I am sure it will surprise you, and I really hope you'll enjoy it.
Again thank you so much for your helpful review.
This is Kaos here for a review!
We start with rain, okay. I felt like whirling around isn't dancing in itself in this, but yeah I got what it meant. I don't really get the expression of the rain drowning his sins as we haven't been shown any of the sins he's committed and rather it just feels like "Look at me I worship" moment. There could've been better ways to convey that you do that and I doubt that anyone would think in that way? Rather, a "Thank you, Allah." line would've made more sense to me.
With the dialogue, you don't end with any punctuation. I skimmed over it and there seems to be none of it like that. For example, this is a dialogue line with punctuation at the end:
"Hey, Joe. How're you today?" he said. <--- Inside the quotation marks, there's a question mark. It makes it confusing on what type of expression you're using to the reader, like if you're asking a question or if you're simply stating something.
The second thing with the dialogue, is that when you have a new speaker, you start a new paragraph or line. It makes it less confusing and is a general rule in prose. For example, this is what I'm talking about in your story:
There are two different people talking in this same line/paragraph.
How it should be set up:
"Smells amazing." Shams said, as he smiled at Layla.
"I know, right?" She replied.
Moving on.
After "this" in the first line, I feel like it should start a new sentence.
The "I really do understand this." feels awkward in the second line.
This is all one sentence. It needs to be chopped up. Instead of adding a semicolon in, I think you should end the sentence there and start a new one starting with "To" as it makes the reader have to take less breaths.
There are some parts of the chapter where you change points of view to present from past, and if you look if over you'll be able to spot those mistakes. I'm pretty sure you were going for past tense and not present tense? So yeah.
The romance in the chapter felt weak. There didn't really feel like there was any real conflict between the couple and it felt like a TV problem where it's solved in under 30 minutes. The father in this chapter felt kind of like there was nothing to him. The transition where he leaves Layla for awhile is kind of confusing and it took me another read to catch on to what was happening in the plot, but I understood it finally. For a first chapter this felt kind of awkward on how it set the plot up.
That's all I have to say about this. Overall, it definitely felt like the characters needed to show more personality than cardboard cutouts of people. The Bence character was the only character that I felt really showed that, and they weren't even in the whole chapter.
And that's all.
Thank you so much for your review I really appreciate it. However, I just wanted to clarify a point or two.
Firstly, this was not professionally edited so all the flaws with the punctuation and the grammar will be fixed after I'm done writing the whole thing.
Secondly, the whirling part it's a Sufi dance which readers will get introduced to it more in the next chapters and you can find more about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sufi_whirling
Thirdly: There isn't any real conflict between the couple, Layla was just kind of shy of telling him to go to his parents again
Finally: Regarding building up the plot, I can brief you about the whole plot in a PM if you would like to I think you'll find it relative to it
Again thank you so much for your review and I really hope the next chapters will be more appealing to you, knowing that the grammatical nonsense and the punctuation issues will be sorted by an editor. What I really love to know is what you think about the characters, the plot, the scenes, etc...