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Young Writers Society



Forever Grateful

by XxxcagedheartxxX


My heart's repairing,
piece by piece,
with you in my life,
I am complete.

A sweet fairytale,
you seem to be,
a wish you are,
in my vivid dreams.

Never had I imagined,
that you'd be my soul mate,
that in the fate of death,
you'd pull me from its grasp.

For that, I'm forever grateful,
and you deserve more,
the delicate rose,
instead of its thorns.

Yet you seem content,
with my shattered heart,
so I shall count the days,
for your love to change.

Soon you shall go,
like everyone else,
and this hole shall deepen,
this hole in my heart.

So whether you stay,
or whether you go,
every kiss,every hug,
I shall always remember.

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3821 Reviews

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Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:01 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hey Caged Heart! :D Welcome to YWS (since I am pretty sure I haven't welcomed you yet)!

Your poem was a little odd! At first it was sweet, and then it turned really jealous, like the narrator thought that her heart was going to be broken any minute and at the end, it's clear that the guy will leave and... yeah. It's a bit odd!

I don't know... I would probably pick the happy scenario and make it a full love poem or the bitter scenario and make him break her heart completely. Right now, it's a bit confusing and strange as to what your ultimate point is! And yeah... you did explain it, but... well... that just makes the conflict seem trivial, if that makes sense. It looks like she's just setting herself up for heartbreak again, and that's pretty depressing.

Anyway, thanks for posting! Hope to see you on YWS! :D




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370 Reviews

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Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:46 am
empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



I really like this poem, caged heart. It has to be my favorite of the ones that I've read.

praisejoe wrote:I shall always remember.

I think this would be better as
XxxcagedheartxxX wrote:I shall remember you by.

Because "I will always remember" seems like such an uninspired way to end a piece of poetry.
Besides that, great job. You're quickly developing and I can't wait to see what you put out next.
Lots of hugs,
The Universe




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29 Reviews

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Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:09 pm
forgottenfallen wrote a review...



I like the way this poem is written and the basic concept. My only criticism would be the change in tone, e.g:

A sweet fairytale,
you seem to be,
a wish you are,
in my vivid dreams.

Never had I imagined,
that you'd be my soul mate,
that in the fate of death,
you'd pull me from its grasp.

It seems like a big change in the way you were writing about that person.

Other than that its really good.

Forgotten xxx




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12 Reviews

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Reviews: 12

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Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:53 pm



thank you all for reviewing....if i believe it is nessacary i'll make changes.

as for my theme. yes it is in fact one theme. i hate explaining poetry, but i guess i didnt write it well enough.

My heart's repairing,
piece by piece,
with you in my life,
I am complete.

in the begginning the speaker started with a broken heart. the boy didnt give her one. infact he was helping to fix it
(i think that part got everyone confused)
this is infact a love poem......the jist of it is that she cant believe she got so lucky with him so she feels given time he'll leave, even though he loves her.




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324 Reviews

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Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:35 pm
Threnody wrote a review...



Very sweet poem. Here's just a few comments:

1) This poem seems to contradict itself with every line. This seems to be a broken heart poem, but also a redemption poem... and a love poem? You say that he's shattered your heart, but he's your soul mate... It's just way to confusing and nothing, when you pull it all together, makes a clear enough story.

Never had I imagined,
that you'd be my soul mate,
that in the fate of death,
you'd pull me from its grasp.

• What is this stanza even about? It seems like a line from an entirely different poem. The worst about it is that it's irrelevant. It doesn't matter in the poem because the poem is about a broken heart and not about how someone saved you from the fate of death... Also, he's not your soul mate, apparently he is content with your broken heart.

So whether you stay,
or whether you go,
every kiss,every hug,
I shall always remember.

• This stanza isn't that much of an issue, but the last line should fit in more with the stanza. By that I mean stick to the rhyme scheme because if you rhyme in the very last stanza it pulls the whole poem together. The last stanza is extremely important. So make a rhyme or something to conclude your poem with grace.

I suggest you definitely fix this poem up so it makes sense and people don't have to wonder about every stanza.

I think it's a cute poem and the way you wrote is flowing and easy to read. Please make it make sense.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody




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51 Reviews

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Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:55 am
praisejoe wrote a review...



Hi, I love your poem.

[quote="XxxcagedheartxxX"]

Yet you seem content,
with my shattered heart,
so I shall count the days,
for your love to change.

The sudden change of 'tune' for this fifth stanza needs a little explanation. Is there a rhyme scheme?
Besides that it's a great poem, keep it up.





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