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Well, I have to say that this was lacking a bit in the impact department, as Forever mentioned. It needs a bit more hook at the beginning, but anyway... I guess I'll go for a line by line, or almost. But first, a note: You're lacking punctuation. This is a good article about punctuation.
Well, good poem, especially when you were ten. When I was ten, I was um... not really into poetry. I was pretty much on a hiatus for my whole year of ten. But I do remember that I was just a little kid making up limericks and stuff like that. I applaud you. *applause*
Well, you need to work on punctuation, and word choice. Your topic is good, but you need to make it stronger, which you can accomplish through better word choice. Also, there is an issue of flow. Not the type of flow in metered poetry, but the fact that your transitions are awkward. In the words of my teacher, 'blocky'. You have to make the transition of ideas seem lucid, flowing. Transitions like 'so', 'but', 'hereafter' and more generally work.
Well, that's all for now. I hope to see more of your work around soon, but I have to leave now. Feel free to PM me if something is unclear. See ya around Summer!
Hello.
First, I must say that the lines were rather messy. It was jumping from one idea to the next but you said you had to use a list of words so I get it. However, I don't think it does anything bad to the poem. It adds to it, honestly. It gives the world a disorganized feel. It just adds to the imagery. Brilliant how words fall into place like that, aye?
Anyway, you were TEN when you wrote this. Oh my. I could not have written anything this serious when I was ten. I wrote about the wind and the sea before. It was all wholesome nature stuff for me. I could not have written so eloquently about the disfigured world. *applauds*
keep writing..
--Knightly
Hi! Nice to meet you! Here's my comments, (some editing is in bold)
Okay, so some was spelling errors. Some of the lines I just didn't think was plausible. Such as the "salt in my tears fall," this doesn't really work. Do you get me?
Okay, so onto this poem.
What I thought~
Interesting. It does hold the potential of being quite meaningful but right now, it really doesn't make an impact. Overall though, it seems interesting. But I think that it just lacks meaning. It does thoroughly explain what the person is feeling, but it makes awkward metaphors. It also needs grace. Expand your word choice some. The ants are nowhere to be seen leaves me wondering why exactly you care about the ants.
Overall, this poem just lacked the effect it was supposed to have.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody