Preface
No! No! NO!
My legs felt as heavy as lead as I stumbled before falling to my knees, and clutching my stomach. Help! Please someone help! Sweat beaded my brow. Everything hurt; the pain was too much to bear. I was choking, I could not breath.
Still holding my stomach I leaned over and vomited. My insides felt like they were twisted and tied into knots.
This couldn't be happening.
My brother was dead. They killed him. They did this. The treaty had been broken. Neil was dead!
I tucked myself into the fetal position and rocked myself gently back and forth. I was crying so much I was unable to see anymore than watery blurs. The agonizing shredding of my heart was just too much to bear.
I could not do this! Not again. First my father and now my brother, what did they want with us?
Oh God! Why?!
I was the next in the royal line, then my uncle. If that was what this is about then they will come for me next. I'm only sixteen, I can't do this!
But I have to.
That's when my sorrow became pure burning hatred. I wanted them all dead. They were all evil creatures that deserved death.
I promise you, Neil that I will hunt them all down. Damien will pay for this! Any vampire that dares to cross my path will die.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. It definitely does a very good job of immediately getting our attention right here. The emotion that you put in here even in something that's written quite so concisely here without too much detail going into where we are and the general context behind everything is quite strong and it does help pull you into things very quickly.
Ooooh I love the way that you reveal that one there. It was quite subtle in the start and here its still fairly vague but now we do get more than enough information that we can imagine fairly well where this might be trying to go here and now we get a good sense of just what stakes we're dealing which is a really good thing to have in a preface.
Well that got a little dangerous quite quickly there. I was not expecting to see quite that much of a turn happening, but it seems we've got ourselves a person who's looking for a bit of a taste of revenge there. That's not something you end up running into too often right after an emotional moment that seemed to suggest a bit more hardship, but this does make for a lovely sort of change the norm I think. Overall, this is a pretty solid looking piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Good opening. It really draws the reader in. I want to read on.
Intriguing
I want to know more about them and the treaty.
Good description!
This was a really well done preface. It's intriguing and well written.
I actually want to go read the first chapter now
Gold star for you!
-Carly
Hmmm nice preface. It pulls you into the story without giving much away. It hooks you and makes you want more. Good job!
I really like your use of detail. It's one of my biggest issues (not giving enough detail) and you use it well. I admire anyone who can =)
I didn't see much really wrong gramatically. So good job, now im on the chapter one! =)
Hey thanks. I'm always glad to get help. And I don't think it is too much like twilight. I mean yeah it is about vampires and stuff but it's not the same sort of thing. But again, thanks and I hope you follow more of the story.
Hey! I would just like to start by saying you have a very strongly written piece on your hands! Onto the nit-piks. My comments are in italics and my fixes are in bold.
Overall
This was good and like I said before, strongly written.
However, as I was reading I was hoping this wouldn't be like Twilight. At the end when the main character mentioned something about vampires I started worrying. I went back and read about the treaty. Please, don't make this like how Edward and his clan had a treaty with the werewolves. Or something like that. This is good and you can make something very original out of this. Good luck! Keep writing!