Published January 13, 2011
The moon is shining
brighter than the sun
though twilight is
almost over and done
The man is riding
up to the door
while the leaves are crunching
on the forest's ferny floor.
The maiden is in her room
sitting all alone
waiting for true love's kiss
and a family and home.
The man quickly scurries
up to the abondoned mill
knocks on the door
though all stays still.
the phantoms listening in the
pitch black sky
circling the moon
ever so high
Though in the end
it wasnt happily ever after
for true love just,
causes a disaster
XxtiaxX
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138,323 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Fabulous work! I love your detailed word choice.
Very Good! i enjoyed it. It shows how the journey and fight for love can lead (if not careful, methodical) to an untimely end. Keep it up!
It is a good piece to read through...
Great imagery....
Good flow throughout....
Keep writing...
PM me for anything...
Helloooo!:) Welcome to the site.
So you're not exactly new but I noticed you don't have any reviews yet. Just remember that it's important that you review the works of others on the site. It helps make sure that each one of us gets reviews on our works so we can improve.
that should be forest'sSo now, on to your poem.
Overall, this poem was alright. You used figurative language and did have some very vivid descriptions. I also liked that you were able to retell a story in a poem. However, I think that there's a lot you can improve upon here.
I usually like rhyming poems since it's my writing style as well and I read rhymes in order to get ideas on how to improve mine. However, I think the rhyme worked against you here. I could almost see you struggling to find a rhyme to certain words and just settling for a word that doesn't exactly fit the poem simply to keep a rhyme scheme.
Another thing is that it's not enough to have rhyming lines to give your poem rhythm. A lot of poets even count syllables and have a really strict meter on their poems. I don't usually do that on mine. An easier way to make sure that your poem has rhythm is simply to read it out loud. If you read this one aloud you'll really notice how long some lines are compared to others. It makes the poem's flow quite choppy.
Punctuation is also important to keep rhythm, and also to make a poem more understandable. You have hardly any punctuation marks and I think you'll notice if you decide to punctuate this that it will really change the rhythm of this poem. It also divides your ideas properly so that the reader isn't flooded with a barrage of words without being given a pause to think about them.
You should also watch your grammar.
true love's
scurries
This is important not just in your literary works but also in any other way you use language. And by applying it all the time, you'll get used to using correct grammar. I don't wanna sound like an elementary school teacher but the little things are important in making the bigger picture look better. Your works will be infinitely better with right grammar.
I think you have a good idea in this poem. It just needs better execution. The only other advice I can give is to read more poetry. I suggest the works of Longfellow since a lot of his poetry uses rhymes. Immersing yourself in poetry will help your own works as well.
Keep writing and I'll be glad to read more from you.
--Nixie