Published April 5, 2008
I gave him the package
With no despair
I told him not to break it
Not even a tare
Inside the package was my heart
Tied up in a bow
Beautiful and graceful
It had a lot to show
But when it came back
It was tattered and broken
With every tear
I knew I would have to be more careful
Handing out this token
Though at the end
I was the one with the upper lift
The one with the knowledge
Knowing someone else better will get this great gift
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
oh.so.deep.
iloveit
its a really emotional poetry.
i want to cry,its that depressing
in a good way
xD
I gave him the package
With no despair
I told him not to break it
Not even a tare (while tare is a word, I think you mean tear)
Inside the package was my heart
Tied up in a bow
Beautiful and graceful
It had a lot to show (show is really forced with bow)
But when it came back
It was tattered and broken
With every tear (strike this line)
I knew I would have to be more careful ('I should have been more careful' fixed)
Handing out this token (broken forces token too much)
Though at the end
I was the one with the upper lift
The one with the knowledge
Knowing someone else better will get this great gift (lift forces gift..not good) (This line needs fixing)
While a good poem, I cited all the problems I had with it and fixed up one line that escaped the other reviewers thus far. I liked it overall, but it was unoriginal as a whole.
The idea of giving someone your heart is so very overdone. This is not a new take on that situation, but a reiteration of what everyone already knows, that there'll be someone more deserving. The forced rhyme didn't add much either. But the biggest thing I found in this poem was that I really didn't get a sense of any emotion here. Why is this situation different from anyone else whose heart has been broken?
Ok here you go. My critique.
this should be tear. That is to rip and to cry just to let you know.ONE: i like the thought, too bad someone else had arleady used it! A user named PiePIeman 22 wrote the same thing about a year ago. Is this just a sad coincidence or did someone plagiarize.....
Secondly: I like it, but im the kinda guy who likes rhymy poems. You started out with some sort of flow then you kinda lost it.
Third.... Grammatically and spelling errors:
Not many but here are a few.
Here, you start rhyming. Pick how your gonna work, rhyming or not. Secondly the heart line should be the first line of this paragraph not floating alone.
Here you used tear. When you used it above, there would be no confusion one which kind of tear you meant. Here it could flip flop either way. Maybe you should pull out the dusty thesaurus, or use the one online, and find another word for tear.
Welcome to YWS! You might want to take a look at the rules and guidelines to get better acquainted with the requirements for posting and reviewing and such. Now, onto the poem...
All in all, very cute-sy concept, almost like a Hallmark card to yourself. If you were going for inspirational, it didn't come through. As I said in my comments, the rhythm was all over the place, and the rhyme was clearly forced. With this kind of cute-sy idea, though, I don't know if any of it is even worth fixing. If I were you, I would start with a clean slate. Start all the way over, and think about how you can make the poem meaningful to you while also conveying your emotions affectively to your audience. It's about making us feel what you feel, and having us go through what you went through. Forget about the rhyming for now, and come back to rhymes when you've had some more practice. For now, just get your feelings out there, and we'll go from there.
All the best, and once again, welcome!
This is a sweet idea. Many of the rhymes seemed forced, though. The flow was off, as well.
The only way to fix these things is to keep on practicing. So keep writing! You obviously can observe in analyze feelings, which is nice in a poet. Nice job with imagery, as well. Really develop that skill of imagery; even in this poem, you could have used more. The more, the merrier.
I hoped I sound encouraging, because you have good skills that can be toned into super-fantastic skills with work. Keep writing! If you have other stuff you'd like me to look at, feel free to PM me.