Young Writers Society

oh.so.deep.
iloveit

its a really emotional poetry.
i want to cry,its that depressing
in a good way
xD

I gave him the package
With no despair
I told him not to break it
Not even a tare (while tare is a word, I think you mean tear)

Inside the package was my heart
Tied up in a bow
Beautiful and graceful
It had a lot to show (show is really forced with bow)

But when it came back
It was tattered and broken
With every tear (strike this line)
I knew I would have to be more careful ('I should have been more careful' fixed)
Handing out this token (broken forces token too much)

Though at the end
I was the one with the upper lift
The one with the knowledge
Knowing someone else better will get this great gift (lift forces gift..not good) (This line needs fixing)

While a good poem, I cited all the problems I had with it and fixed up one line that escaped the other reviewers thus far. I liked it overall, but it was unoriginal as a whole.

The idea of giving someone your heart is so very overdone. This is not a new take on that situation, but a reiteration of what everyone already knows, that there'll be someone more deserving. The forced rhyme didn't add much either. But the biggest thing I found in this poem was that I really didn't get a sense of any emotion here. Why is this situation different from anyone else whose heart has been broken?

Ok here you go. My critique.

ONE: i like the thought, too bad someone else had arleady used it! A user named PiePIeman 22 wrote the same thing about a year ago. Is this just a sad coincidence or did someone plagiarize.....

Secondly: I like it, but im the kinda guy who likes rhymy poems. You started out with some sort of flow then you kinda lost it.

Third.... Grammatically and spelling errors:

Not many but here are a few.

Not even a tare

Inside the package was my heart

Tied up in a bow
Beautiful and graceful
It had a lot to show

But when it came back
It was tattered and broken
With every tear

Welcome to YWS! You might want to take a look at the rules and guidelines to get better acquainted with the requirements for posting and reviewing and such. Now, onto the poem...

I gave him the package
With no despair With no despair? Definitely wrong word choice. Try not to focus on the rhyme so much
I told him not to break it
Not even a tare I'm sure you mean "tear"?

Inside the package was my heart
Tied up in a bow The rhythm changed all of a sudden. Very awkward
Beautiful and graceful
It had a lot to show

But when it came back
It was tattered and broken
With every tear
I knew I would have to be more careful
Handing out this token Again with the rhythm changes...

Though at the end
I was the one with the upper lift Upper hand, perhaps? Upper lift just doesn't make sense, I can tell you just needed a word to rhyme with "gift"
The one with the knowledge
Knowing someone else better will get this great gift

This is a sweet idea. Many of the rhymes seemed forced, though. The flow was off, as well.

The only way to fix these things is to keep on practicing. So keep writing! You obviously can observe in analyze feelings, which is nice in a poet. Nice job with imagery, as well. Really develop that skill of imagery; even in this poem, you could have used more. The more, the merrier.

I hoped I sound encouraging, because you have good skills that can be toned into super-fantastic skills with work. Keep writing! If you have other stuff you'd like me to look at, feel free to PM me.