Published March 26, 2011
Chapter 1: Rachel Berry (Lea Michele)
That really tall boy with the lovely brown hair and those chocolaty brown eyes. That boy was Finn Hudson. The boy of my dreams, or so I think. He was hot. Really hot. He's the star quarterback of the McKinley High's football team. I could stare at him for a long time, but I can't. That blond girl that Finn is dating, is Quinn Fabray. Everybody says she's the prettiest girl in our school. She's the head cheerleader of Cheerios. But I'm totally better than her.
"Could you not look at Finn that way," That blond hair Quinn Fabray said.
"I wasn't," I said giving an attitude.
"No, you totally did. Santana even saw you. Right, Santana?" Quinn said as she whipped her ponytail at me.
"Yeah. Don't go looking at some other girl's boy. You got that?" The tanned girl with dark chocolate hair snapped.
"Yeah, sure," I said and stood there at my locker.
Quinn whipped her hair, and Santana scoffed at me. There was another blond girl with a cheerleader's outfit as well. I looked at her from top to bottom and bottom to top. I waited a minute till she said something. All she did was give me a blank stare.
"Um...Do you need something?" I finally said, looking at her strangely.
"Oh. Hi, I'm Brittany Pierce," the dumbfounded girl said with a weird smile.
"Uh...I know that," I said, giving her a weird look.
"Oh...Hi, I'm Brittany Pierce," she said again.
I gave her another weird look and walked away. I kept walking and noticed Finn. He was really dreamy. I noticed Quinn going up to him. I wanted to throw up when I looked at her. She saw me and whipped her hair. She glared at me and gestured me to go away. I glared at her and turned away. I really hated that girl. Just you wait Quinn Fabray. I'm going to steal Finn away from you.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
I love glee, and I love this. Most of your Rachel Berry Perspective is actually pretty good, based on you know, how that character already exists, and you have to mimick her thoughts, or how she would say things, and I think you did pretty well. I can't wait for more!
I love glee! I'm so glad you made a fan-fiction about it. A few tips though, you said that Quinn whipped her hair at Rachel multiple times. Maybe you could do something else to show that Quinn doesn't like Rachel a couple of times? For example, she rolled her eyes. Or something like that! Great job though! Can't read to read more!
It's a real shock to me, that you are serious about this thing. It's a real shocker, but thanks for the so-called advice.
You have a couple grammar errors (missing commas and stuff), but overall it was good. It was short, but good.
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, my writing isn't all that great. I'm still an amateur at this whole writing thing. I'm pretty much new at this whole fanfiction stuff. This is actually my first time doing this, and to tell you the truth, I'm not really a huge fan about this whole fanfiction thing. People's fanfiction stories are really awesome to me, but when I try to write one, it's really hard. But thanks!
Hi!
So I like this piece and the idea for a Glee fanfic, but I have some nitpicks like:
This just be me but it seems a little amateur with the bit after Rachel talks. Maybe describe how she is feeling rather than telling us she was giving attitude.
I don't mean to be harsh,
SweetMoments
Ok since it's review day I'm going to post a another, more lengthy review (one that might actually be helpful.)
I say make some of your sentences a bit longer. All of them are rather short and the same sentence length can get boring after a while. Different sentences can make your piece stronger and more pleasing to read. Other than that this piece is great. I'm sorry that I posted twice but I was too lazy to edit the first one. Anyway great work as always and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Oh goody glee fanfiction! I like this is it supposed to be before the show starts because you're introducing everyone (I'm guessing Rachael's POV.) I like this a lot keep posting! I'll do a better review tonight cause that's when review day starts for me!