Young Writers Society

I love this so far. The first chapter was written a little bit awkwardly but this one sounds better; also I like the change in views. Grammarwise, I don't know what I'm talking about and other people have dealt with that already. So I'm just going to tell you that it's really interesting so far and I'm curious for more.

Hmmm... not sure if I like this shift. It doesn't sound quite right. I mean, you already mention that Lina has eating disorders, which implies that she looks sick, so you don't to stress this too much. I think subtlety is a good thing in this case. I would probably suggest sticking with Lina's viewpoint... it seems like you're struggling with this viewpoint and Lina's viewpoint is really captivating as it is. So, I don't think you need to change it around too much.

And now! A couple of nitpicks!

"And I mean like, Jimmy eating a worm yesterday disgusting times five." <-- Lya is in fifth grade, right? I think this kind of description is better for maybe Kindergarten through second grade, if that high.

Also! You keep writing "your" as "you're." Like, "What's wrong with you're stomach?" Remember that "you're" is a contraction and actually means "you are" while "your" is a possessive pronoun! And yes, I am an English geek, lol.

Keep on writing this!

XxjustmeXx wrote:I stare at my older sister, Lina. Her black tank top's folded up to reveal from her ribs down and it looks disgusting. And I mean like, Jimmy eating a worm yesterday disgusting times five. #800080 ">Hmm, first off, I have to say I dislike the narrator changing from Lina to Lya. It makes things harder to understand and is just overall...bothersome. To me. It's your story, just sayin'. Also, the way you have this worded is strange. Try, "Her black tack top is folded up revealing her ribs and stomach, which look disgusting. Also, I think you should change the Jimmy part, and ad the little -'s between the words. It would make more sense/be easier to read.

All her bones are sticking out her #FF8000 ">of sides and she doesn't even have that little pouch that everybody has right in the middle of #FF8000 ">their tummy. Well she does, but it's barely noticable. #800080 ">I agree, take out this last sentence.

She stares back at me, confused at why I'm just staring at her. I expected her to yell at me and tell me to get out but she's just looking back at me.

"Lina, what's wrong with you?" I whisper, walking slowly up to her.

"Me? What's wrong with you? You're such a wierdo sometimes." She turns from me and pushes her shirt down.

"No!" I grab her arm and spin her back around. "Don't brush me off this time. What's wrong with you're stomach?"#800080 ">'you're' should be 'your'. You do this in a lot of areas, so make sure you go over that and make sure it's correct.

Tears fill her eyes and I instantly feel bad.

"Lya, I know I'm fat, you don't have to point it out#FF8000 ">," #FF8000 ">she whispers and turns back around to grab a manilla folder off the floor labeled "work." #800080 ">I liked this part. Really shows that Lina really DOES think she's fat.

"Lina, I don't know what you're talking about but I was talking about you're bones sticking out of your sides. I know I'm only eleven but even I know that means something's wrong." I say, spinning her back around so she has to face me.
#800080 ">Yeah. I totally agree, this is NOT the way she would respond. How about, "You're not fat, Lina! Your bones are all sticking out! I may be a kid, but you are skinny.

She looks down at me, probably seeing a firm look similiar to our mom's but I don't care at this point. My older sister always took care of me, now I have to return that favor.

"No they're not Lya, you should really get your eyes checked. There's nothing wrong with me#FF4000 ">," #FF4000 ">she says and pushes me towards the door. "Now get out." #800080 ">Lina says there's nothing wrong with her, but being fat is something wrong so...

"Fine, if you won't talk to me I'll tell Mom#FF4000 ">," I threaten. #800080 ">First off, in my mind, what I'd see Lya doing is taking a glance at Lina, having their little argument, then Lya merely going to the mom. Why would she want to 'talk'? What is there to say? Lina obviously has her mind set that she is obese.

"Don't you dare."

"Try me."

"Brat!"

"Liar!"

"I swear if you don't get out I'll punch you in the face!"

"You're too weak for it to hurt!"

"I can still kick you're scrawny little butt any day!"

"Then why don't you come over and make me get out!"

"Fine have it you're way!"

Lina comes over and picks my struggling figure up.

"Mom! Tell her to put me down!" I scream.

"Put you're sister down now!" Mom's stern voice rings through the house. #800080 ">This whole bit of dialogue was rather confusing. It was hard keeping track of who was saying what. Maybe ad who says what occasionally?

"Okay." She drops me outside her door. "One word to mom and she'll find out all about you trying cigarettes last year. And she might just think you're still smoking. From an inside source of course." #800080 ">Please take out the 'all' in the second sentence. Try reading 'out all about' together...it's hard, right?

She winks then shuts her door. I hear the soft click meaning she locked me out.

I storm to my room and slam my door, fuming. I'll give her week, if she doesn't get better I'll tell our mom.

Cigarette thing or not, I will tell.

Hey,
Here I am again; I enjoyed your story line, so I'm back to review chapter two. Here's the meat of your review:

I stare at my older sister, Lina.

Her black tank top's folded up to reveal from her ribs down and it looks disgusting.

And I mean like, Jimmy eating a worm yesterday disgusting times five.

All her bones are sticking out her sides and she doesn't even have that little pouch that everybody has right in the middle of her tummy.

Well she does, but it's barely noticable.

I expected her to yell at me and tell me to get out but she's just looking back at me.

Tears fill her eyes and I instantly feel bad.

"Lya, I know I'm fat, you don't have to point it out." She whispers and turns back around to grab a manilla folder off the floor labeled "work."

"Lina, I don't know what you're talking about but I was talking about you're bones sticking out of your sides.

I know I'm only eleven but even I know that means something's wrong."

She looks down at me, probably seeing a firm look similiar to our mom's but I don't care at this point.

My older sister always took care of me, now I have to return that favor.

"I can still kick you're scrawny little butt any day!"

"Fine have it you're way!"

And she might just think you're still smoking.

I hear the soft click meaning she locked me out.

I'll give her week, if she doesn't get better I'll tell our mom.