Published April 12, 2011
"Hurry up Lina!" My little sister, Emilya, pounds on the door furiously.
"I'm coming, hold on a second!" I call back, looking down at the toilet.
I sigh. How could I have done this again? I promised myself I'd stop. But the look Josh gave Kristi today...
I shudder. Kristi's with Sean, I remind myself.
"Lina!" Lya wails, pounding on the door even harder.
"Give me a second!" I call out again, louder this time.
I wipe my mouth and put a piece of gum in my mouth. The radio's blaring "Put it down on me" by Jeremiah and fifty cent. I turn it off, having no use for it now that I don't need it to cover up the noise of my wretching.
I silently unlock the door. As soon as Lya heard the click, she pushed the door open and ran in.
I look at her with a painful smile as she dances back and forth, making a shooing motion for me to get out. I force a shaky laugh and flee to the safety of my room.
I shut my door and lock it, double checking before sliding to the floor. A tear rolls down my cheek and to my chin where I hastily wipe it away.
As I stand to take out my scale, a knock at the door sends me three feet in the air. I promptly trip over a pair of jeans I've been meaning to put away and onto my bed.
"Lina!" My mom calls in.
"Give me a minute!" I yell out, annoyed.
"Jeez, what's gotten into you?" My mom asks when I open the door.
"Nothing." I mutter and look away. "So what do you want anyways?"
"You're sister said it smelled wierd in the bathroom so I went in and checked it out. It smells like someone threw up in there. Are you sick? Was it you?" She asks, reaching out and touching the back of her hand to my forehead.
"No Mom, it wasn't me." I squirm out from under her hand.
"Are you sure? Because I know you don't like staying home from school but if you have to, then you have to." She says firmly, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Yeah, I'm sure." I sigh.
Then a thought occurs to me. Lina's school trip to the zoo is tomorrow, this could work to my advantage.
"You know Mom," I start. "Lya's field trip is tomorrow. If she was sick, she wouldn't tell you. Do you think it could be her?"
I make my eyes as wide and innocent as possible. I really hope I'm as good an actress as Mr Toble, the theater teacher, says I am.
"I don't know, I'll go talk to her." Thankfully, my mom turns and leaves.
It's a good thing too, my legs are starting to shake beneath me. I shut the door and lean on it for a moment until I'm sure they won't give out. Then, I make my way to my dresser and grab the small scale and weight chart from behind it.
I put them both down on the floor then make sure the scale is at zero. I step on and close my eyes, waiting.
The curiousity burns through my veins, eating away at my insides. Just when I think I can't take anymore, the small beep let's me know it's done calculating.
A sudden nervousness falls over me. Do I really want to know if I gained weight?
I reach down and grab the chart, though I know it all by heart. I look down at yesterdays weight and read the familiar, "112 lb's 5/07/11." I grab my pencil and write down, "____ lb's 5/08/11" before finally looking down at the small, black and white scale.
I let out a sigh of relief when I realize I've lost. I promptly write down, "109" in the place I'd left blank.
Turning around so I can face my mirror on top of one of my dressers. I lift my shirt up and study my stomach,
I feel the salty sting behind my eyes as I look at myself. How can I not be skinny yet? Why do I still look fat? I look down at my potruding gut and feel a sob ready to rip out of my chest.
I race to my bed and stuff my face into a pillow before it can be released. Then I just lay there, crying into my monkey pillow pet until it's soaked with tears.
I close my eyes when no more tears will come, ready to let the fatigue sweep me into unconsciousness. As my eyelids begin to fall, my private line rings loudly, jolting me awake.
Since my body is half of my bed, the jolt causes me to fall off my bed and on my butt. Hard.
I let out a few select words my parents should never hear me say then clap my hands over my ears, trying to save my already aching head from the shrill ringing of my telephone.
I muster all my strength and stand up, crossing my room to the phone. I pick up the phone just to stop the loud sound.
"Hello?" I answer, annoyed.
"Hey Lina, wanna come to the movies tonight?" One of my best friends, Katrina, asks.
"I don't think so, I've got another headache." Not a lie.
"Awh come one, please?" She begs. "It'll be fun. you'll see. We're not sure what we're going to see yet but we've agreed it'll be scary. Josh, Eric, Sean, Kristi, Me, and maybe you, please Lya? I promise I'll have Idiot drive you home if you don't have a good time."
I smile at the name of Josh but frown at the mention of Idiot. Idiot's Katrina's older brother, Chase. Him and Katrina get along pretty well (except a few fights here and there) but me and him hate each other. We were okay when we were little but as each year past we grew to hate each other more and more.
"If you don't mind, I think I'll pass on the whole Idiot thing." I say with distaste.
She laughed and after a minute I joined in. I guess it wasn't very convincing because Katrina started in on me
after a couple seconds of silence.
"Lina, you're one of my best friends in the whole world. I love you to death. All you do is go to the gym and escersise or sit in your room and do God-knows-what." She starts.
Excersise. I think. I sit in my room and excersise.
"I'm really worried about you." She continues. "It's not healthy for you to be alone like this all the time. You're getting more and more depressed each da-"
"I'll go." I cut her off.
She squeals with delight.
"Great! I'll be there to pick you up in a half hour so we can go get outfits at the mall for tonight, my treat. Just to let you know though, Idiot's driving. Okaygottagobye!" She says the last few words so fast they sound like one so that I disn't have enough time to back out.
I hang up and try calling back. No way can I be in the same car with Idiot for more then five seconds without throwing something lethal at him. And like my friends say, anything in the hands of me can be lethal.
After calling her cell for the seventh time and still getting no answer, I give up. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll have a straight jacket waiting for me so I won't be able to hurt Idiot.
I sigh and settle for getting out of my pajama's and into some real close before she get's here.
I rummage around until I finally find something worth putting on. I slip out of my baggy, pink pajama pants with brown monkey's all over them and put a pair of light blue capris that roll up at the knees and hug my figure tightly. Then I pull my pink tank top over my head and replace it with a black tank top and put a brigth, neon blue half jacket on over top, zippering it half way.
When I'm done, I study myslef in the mirror. I pull my shirt up again and stare at my stomach, hoping it shrank from the last time I checked. It hasn't. I'm just about to put my shirt down and fix my hair when my door bursts open with Lya close behind.
She stops dead in her tracks, her brown eyes (just a shade lighter then mine) wide and her jaw hanging open.
I look at her quizically but she doesn't say anything.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Just a few general comments!
I kind of adore Lya. She is very perceptive about what her big sister is doing (d'awww) and very cute.
Lina is kind of sad. It seems like you were kind of on target here. I think she might be madder at Lya on tattling on her though, but I am not sure.
I want to know more about Josh and Idiot. Especially Idiot. Methinks the maiden doth protest too much!
You finished on a cliffhanger... good for you. Now I have to check the next part out. XD
Rascalover pointed out some of the things I saw, but I'll give this a review anyhow. This caught my interest, which is good, because this isn't the kind of thing I would normally read. So good job on that. I have to say, though, there were quite a few areas I felt confused. I'll try to point those out:
Well, I want to keep reading this! Besides a few nitpicks, good job!
Hello,
i will be nit-picky about grammar and such things; then, I will give you an overall opinion. On to the meat of your review:
I'm happy to be one of your firs reviewers
Never start a sentence with a conjunction (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) because they are used to signal the combining of two complete sentences together. Since it is in the front of this sentence it makes it a fragment. Replace the period after stop with a comma and make the b in but lower case.
It's okay that Emiliya has a nickname, but during the novel always refre to her by her first name. In dialogue you can use her nickname Lya. It's just so the readers don't get too confused.
Some of your readers may not know who these artist are or what that song is, so instead try to describe the beat of the song or have you chrarcter hum some of the words, so that the reader's can get a feel for the song itself because if you leave it this way it just seems to be an insignificant fact.
don't forget to go through this chapter and change her nickname to her real name.
There should be a comma after chin because where I hastily... is a dependent clause (it can't stand by itself as sentence) Basically all that means is that there is a natural pause there, so a comma should be there so the reader can have a place to take a breath.
There should be a comma instead of a period after Nothing because mutter is like saying said replied making it a complete sentence altogether.
There should be a comma after bathroom because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so.
There should be a comma after school because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but; if you leave out the comma it becomes a run-on sentence. The because is doing nothing for that sentence, and I suggest that you take it out. Also here are some examples of hwo to correctly punctuate dialogue:
"Tony, I love you." I kissed him.
"Tony, I love you," I said/replied/muttered/etc.
"Tony, I love you," I said as I walked away.
"Tony, I love you." I walked away.
When using said/muttered/ replied/ or anything else along those lines after your dialogue you put a comma inbetween the last word said and the quotation mar because I said is not a sentence by itself. When you say something like I walked away after the dialogue then there should be a period after the last word said adn the quotation mark because I walked away can stand as a complete sentence by itself.
There should be a comma instead of a period after me because that is not a full sentence. Also, it should be Emiliya not Lina. The comma after tomorrow should be a semi-colon (;). A semi-colon works just like a comma with a conjunction. It combines two complete sentences with similar ideas together. If you don't change it the sentence will be a run-on sentence.
There should be a period after Mr because it stand for Mister, and it is not a word by itself.
The comma after know should be a semi-colon (;) because you are putting two complete sentences together.
This sentence is a little hard to read maybe try re-wording it like this: It's a good thing my mom left because my legs are starting to shake beneath me.
There should be a comma after floor because there is a natural pause there in the sentence.
This is really good description which the beginning of the chapter is severly lacking! Add some of this descriptino to the beginning of the chapter, and it'll add a whole new demension to your story
It takes more time than that to loose weight even if you aren't getting any nutrients through food because when someone starts to strave themself or become blemic or anorexic their body and stomach eats up the fat that has been stored in it's own cells at first, breaking down tons of polypeptides and proteins. You wouldn't be able to loose three pounds over night. You can stay stable and hit a plato of weight then start loosing weight rapidly. Loosing ten pounds in one week is alot, espcially if this person isn't exercising. I suggest going into more research of this topic if you haven't already researched it. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, so don't take it personally please. I'm just saying if someone reads this who has studied this or has experienced this or has had someone in their life experience this, a faulty detail like this can jump them right out of the story loosing their attention and all.
It should be I lost weight. I have is in past tense and the rest of this story is in present tense.
She has more than one dresser in her bedroom?
Shouldn't that be a period instead of a comma?
There should be extraordinary description here. Describe how she feels about herself looking the way she does, or how fat people disgust her.
Awe is spelled with an e not an h.
The period after fun should be a comma instead because you'll see is not a complete sentence by itself.
There should be a comma after yet because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
It should be Lina because that's who she's talking to right?
Who wants an idiot to drive them home? I know I wouldn't. Idiot should be lower case unless you are going to give an explanation as to why it's a proper name? Like is it someone's nickname or something?
There should be a comma after Josh because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
Here's the explanation i was looking for
This is a long confusing run-on sentence. Here's my suggestion on how you can fix it: Katrina and himself get along pretty well, with the exception of a few fight, but him and I don't get along at all.
Also, when you are interupting your story to put in a fact don't put parenthesis () around it put commas around it.
There should be a comma after little because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
The period after thing should be a comma.
There should be a comma after laughed because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
Exercise is spelled with an x not an sc. So, she is a exercise-nut, but she still wouldn't loose three pounds in one day.
exercise should be italized because it is a thought in the main character's head, and the period after it should be a comma.
There should be a comma after hour because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so.
after one should be acomma because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so. Didn't is spelled incorrectly.
Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Take and out and capitalize Like. It should be in my hands, not in the hands of me.
This is a run-on sentence to fix it put a semi-colon (;) after lucky and take out the word and. Then put a comma after me. You were combining three like sentences all with conjunctions that's why it was a run-on.
Bright is spelled incorrectly.
Myself is spelled incorrectly.
Don't forget to go back through and change her nickname to her first name Emiliya.
Replace the parenthesis () with commas.
There should be a comma after quizically because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
My advice for you is to re-read your chapters and try to find the little mistakes on your own, so that the reviewers can help you out with plot and character developement. If you have any questions or need another review, please feel free to PM me or write on my wall.
Have a good day,
Tiffany