z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Winter's Hope

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


(Credit to the artist Axel for providing the picture that inspired this story.)

The wind howled through the mountain pass. Snow danced on the winds like ballerinas in a winter play and the sun shone down brightly in the brisk morning. The three tiered structure that stood strong against the berating winds, was now dark and lifeless, save for one window. Still emitting a faint glow.

A small fire crackled in the room with two figures huddled around it for warmth. Cloaks wrapped around them tightly in an attempt to ward off the invading cold. A young man ruffled through papers and read with a calculating gaze as his other hand made marks on a separate paper to keep track. Beside him was a young woman, her hands stretched out to the small fire to bring them back to life from the numbing cold.

“Food is just about gone,” Alex said setting the clipboard of supplies to the side. “We won't last a month with what we have right now.”

“Do you think its safe for us to leave?” Jenny asked with concern. “Do you think its over?”

“I don't know,” Alex said putting his hands under his arms to warm them. “What I do know is that we can't stay here. Food is about gone, the generator gave out a week ago, and you and I are the only ones left.”

Jenny nodded in understanding. Their situation looked grim. “You think anyone is still alive?”

Alex remained silent for a long time. The howling of the wind was the only thing that kept it from being a bare silence. “I hope so,” he finally responded.

“Where will we go?”

“South. The closer we get to the equator the warmer it will be. Damn second ice age.” Alex tossed the remaining leg of the chair they had been burning into the fire, sending up a storm of sparks. Jenny looked out the small window to the outside world. She never would have thought that this was summer on the Nevada side of The Rockies.

Jenny could barely remember the announcements on TV, when they had TV, about what was coming. The scientists had found out a few years before the first snow fall that the earth was plummeting into a second ice age. They couldn't figure out why it was happening, but they knew that had to prepare. The most state of the art facilities were crafted all over the world to try and save as many people as they could. Water filtration systems. Top of the line thermal heating. Green housing plants. Everything that would be needed to survive when the world iced over.

Alex remembered the sirens and the screaming. People trying desperately to get to cover before the perpetual winter would freeze everything over and escape would be impossible. How they had to close their doors when the capacity was reached and the remaining people would be told to head to another Completely Adjustable Climate Housing Environment, or CACHE as they were calling them, essentially sending people to a frozen death. Alex found what was supposed to be their salvation to be more like tombs. Just people waiting around to die in the metal structures.

“Do you think any of it will be the same?” Jenny asked, almost in a dreamy state.

“Twenty years of ice and snow? I doubt anything is like before,” Alex responded, looking out the window with her. “Let's get everything we can pack. We should leave while the sun is up. It will be warmer.” Alex stood up and began packing the rations into a pack to travel in. Jenny did the same adding a few sentimental things. A necklace from her mother, which always made her feel better; a magnifying glass from her teacher, as encouragement to keep exploring; and a her father's heavy working gloves, to remind her that good things only come from blood, sweat, and effort. With packs on their backs and a cloak pulled over them to protect their skin from the harsh winds, Alex opened the heavy metal door to the outside.

The wind seemed to howl even louder as if in warning for them to stay and live what time they had left in the CACHE, and for a moment they hesitated, unsure if they should leave what they knew to be familiar and safe. But the pair persevered. Pulling up the masks they had made and putting on the dark glasses to protect their eyes from the bright light reflecting off the snow. They trekked out along the mountain range heading south in the hopes that they might find life.

Neither of them glanced back at the CACHE. Neither of them saw the still burning light of the fire still alight in the window of the metal structure. If they looked back, they might return to the metal tomb that would call them to remain with all those that were buried inside. They pressed ever onward into the unknown winter, seeking a paradise that might only be in their dreams.

But the fire still burns in that window. A beacon of hope and dreams that one day the world will not be a frozen wasteland. That life might return to the world once more with the two diminishing figures on the peaks of the mountains. That while winter has taken hold for many years...

…spring is just on the horizon.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
264 Reviews


Points: 23295
Reviews: 264

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 3:31 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Alrighty, so what do I think about this one... at 900 words, it's flash fiction, and it does feel like it. I can see how the writing prompt influenced the story (I read what you said to someone else), and I think you did a good job tying the story to the image. If we take the piece on its own, without the prompt to lean on, I think it gets a little more wobbly.

It's hard for me to articulate why, and I think at the end of the day I don't have very strong feelings. A lot of this story is told through flashback, explaining what he remembered about when everything was happening. I'm never a fan of that in short fiction. Short fiction depends a lot on being really evocative.

I think ultimately, there's not quiiiite enough STORY in this one. I have a few friends who know all about flash fiction, have written hundreds of them, participate in contests, follow Janet Reid's blog, etc... so I had them try to teach me their ways. One of the biggest things one person said she had to learn, and consequently I've had to learn, is what is vs isn't a story. The biggest take-away is that there has to be change. You might argue that there IS change here, because they leave their shelter to the unknown. Maybe you're right about that. I feel like there's not an arc or a pull here, though. We don't know what happens to them. We start when they make the decision, and then they execute the decision. So the real changes happened before and after when the story happens. Of my FF, the one I have up as Notes on the Wind, is one that she said doesn't have enough story to it. Stuff happens, but it's... not a story. I don't know how to explain that.




User avatar
524 Reviews


Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

Donate
Wed Jun 22, 2016 12:03 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi XxXTheSwordsmanXxX, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Title: I found this title really interesting and a great way to pull me into the story. Since the title is the only thing telling your reader to click on your story, having an interesting title that describes what your story is about is vital. :D

Story plot: This was an interesting story plot that you have. I liked the way that you went into quite a lot of detail explaining how the people dealt with this second ice age. You described the panic and the stress of the situation really well. I would have liked to know what caused the ice age, but that's just a miner thing. I liked the last part best.

But the fire still burns in that window. A beacon of hope and dreams that one day the world will not be a frozen wasteland. That life might return to the world once more with the two diminishing figures on the peaks of the mountains. That while winter has taken hold for many years...

…spring is just on the horizon.
It put hope into a story full of suffering. This gives the prospect that the people venturing into the storm might just survive and that brings me to the characters. :D

Characters: Even though the characters don't say much and you don't go into their past lives at all, I still care for them. You gave a sense of their situation right in the beginning of the story by saying that they're the last ones and that the food is almost gone. I really hope that they make their way through the blizzard and find a paradise waiting for them. :D

Description: Now for your description. I loved the description in this story. The opening paragraph was memorizingly (I just made up that word, because it was so good) beautiful. The words flowed into each other and it was almost like an orchestra. On instrument or line a feeble sound, but together they make music. :D

Grammar and Punctuation:
“Food is just about gone,” Alex said setting the clipboard of supplies to the side. “We won't last a month with what we have right now.”

“I don't know,” Alex said putting his hands under his arms to warm them. “What I do know is that we can't stay here. Food is about gone, the generator gave out a week ago, and you and I are the only ones left.”
In these two parts you say the sentence
Food is just about gone
and
Food is about gone,
This seems unnecessary and a bit repetitive. Other than that though, I couldn't find any other problems. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to reading more from you. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D






Thank you for taking the time to review my story. I greatly appreciate your feedback. I am glad that you liked the story so much. The story itself is actually part of an exercise in creative writing. Being given a picture and finding the story within it. Someone sent me the picture at the top and this was the story I got from it. Thank you again for your review. If you are interested, please send me a picture you would like to see a story of and I will see what I can do.



felistia says...


I have a picture based competition where you can write a short story, poem or paragraph based on a picture. Here's the link. https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=404&t=105309 :D



User avatar


Points: 644
Reviews: 4

Donate
Tue Jun 21, 2016 10:53 am
rehaan wrote a review...



it was nice.. but i really tou can so much better for that focus on new concepts please, well i am too a newbie here but what i always wanted was a number of different topics for writing everyone has something different to express so i want you to exp;ore new thoughts..
P.s i liked ''The wind seemed to howl even louder as if in warning for them to stay and live what time they had left in the CACHE, and for a moment they hesitated, unsure if they should leave what they knew to be familiar and safe. But the pair persevered. Pulling up the masks they had made and putting on the dark glasses to protect their eyes from the bright light reflecting off the snow. They trekked out along the mountain range heading south in the hopes that they might find life.

Neither of them glanced back at the CACHE. Neither of them saw the still burning light of the fire still alight in the window of the metal structure. If they looked back, they might return to the metal tomb that would call them to remain with all those that were buried inside. They pressed ever onward into the unknown winter, seeking a paradise that might only be in their dreams.

But the fire still burns in that window. A beacon of hope and dreams that one day the world will not be a frozen wasteland. That life might return to the world once more with the two diminishing figures on the peaks of the mountains. That while winter has taken hold for many years...

…spring is just on the horizon.






Thanks for taking the time to review my story. I do have a thought for your future reviewing though. You should spend a little more time on things like what you liked about the story, things you didn't like about the story. I would also suggest that you keep the copy and pasting to a minimum in your reviews. Most of your review here was just the last three paragraphs of the story.




Everything is a lot of things!
— Hank Green