Young Writers Society

I don't have too much to say about this one, really. The concept, the voice, and the prose all hold together pretty well. It reminds me of Poe a bit in the sense that the character is being buried alive, though I suppose nothing else about it is all that Poe-like haha.

I'm not sure what I think. It didn't make a very strong impression on me one way or the other. There wasn't anything spectacularly unique or memorable, but neither did anything big stand out for improvement. It wasn't a shocking twist but it also wasn't overly predictable.

Honestly, it feels a lot like some of my flash fiction, where I write something for the sake of writing something that day, and I go, "Well, that's fine," and then move on. Not something I'd be dying to send to a publisher, but not something I'm unhappy having written. Good practice, maybe worth showing someone and getting critiques, but not one of the ones that really hit a strong stride and elevated themselves above the pack.

So this is an unfortunately useless review. My reaction to this is entirely that it was a quick, easy read that I didn't mind, and I'll keep moving on. Maybe if you somehow made the voice even more unique, and got a little more specific with his retelling of what happened with Rosa, that might make things more memorable. I guess he's so much *not* my type of guy/character that I'm not really bursting with ideas on how to make him or his voice more interesting. I think it WOULD need some extra oomph to take it from good to great from a publishing standpoint, but for what it is, it seems fine.

Hi XxXTheSwordsmanXxX, Felistia here with a review on your short story.

Story: I was a little confused in the beginning to what the story was about as it was a little cryptic, but as you go through it gets really good. I love the story on the whole and the way you tell it from Rick's point of view. The ending is a good way to end the story even though it is a bit morbid.

Characters: The characters you have in here are great especially the main character Ricky. I like the way you started the story with Ricky sounding very confident and then slowly changed so that the reader goes through a roller coaster of emotions before reaching the end.

Description: The description in here is pretty good. The way you described Rosa was superb. I really liked that part about the fire hair. You include a lot of senses in here which helps me as the reader connect to the story. Well done

Over all a great story and a fun read. I look forward to your next work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Hey there, Sword! This was a cool little story, I thought. It was a very windy road, that's for sure. I thought the way you told the story from Ricky's point of view, but from the moment he was writing the note. I liked how it was as if Ricky was writing the story, his story, while he was slowly dying in that pine coffin. That was a smart way to write it because, it provided a sense of "Well, here we are, in the coffin, about to die." You're really taking the readers on a journey, leading them in a string through Ricky's forest. This was very well written, and I won't bore you with any little grammatical nitpick a, because they weren't substantial or significant enough to alter the story in any way. Great job, Sword! Keep it up!

~Caterpickle

Hello TheSwordsman, thank you for sharing your story with us. ^^

First off, this is a nice little plot with some engaging twists that kept me focused on reading, and the lively main character of 'Lucky Ricky'; complete and concise, it reads almost like a fairytale, though modern and more realistic. The end surprised me pleasantly, as it so easily could have been cliched and predictable, but that he was actually writing from his grave added quite the interesting new perspective on it.

Now first I might quickly explain; whenever I read new work on here, I firstly focus on delving into the story and appreciating it, everything that makes it come alive – some stories are not alive yet, still wooden and, in itself, motionless. Your story is not one of those! In reading I sensed a fair amount of life from it, and most positively, swiftly began to have visions of how it could become considerably more powerful and real. And since I tend to hope and assume that most who post their writing here do so in looking for two things, a) for their work to be read by unknown others and be appreciated for what it holds inside of it and b) to seek ideas on how to draw more of its potential out, whether in this particular work or in others that you may create in the future, I will dive straight in;

The issue that struck me the hardest did so around the eighth paragraph of the story. “I fear that this will be the last thing I will ever do in my life.” Simultaneously there was a satisfying sense of “oh!” and a more unsettling sense of ... everything I had read up to then not being quite right. Because, although each part of the plot itself fits very well, this story does not read like something written from the grave.

It is relatively calm, composed, and written in well-structured, coherent sentences with flawless grammar. It reads as though it's been written by someone with all the time in the world. Someone who has lived a life of fortune and riches and lost it, yes, but someone who is now in a drawn-out and seemingly endless misery and can only kill time by soberly reflecting on it all. This is not Ricky. Ricky doesn't have all the time in the world. He's staring THE END right in the face and as the writer, you'll have to work harder to make me, the reader, believe that in the face of it, he's going to relax back in his coffin and lay out the facts of his life in such a linear, factual manner.

Now there could be two different reasons for this. The first is that there are other factors, not revealed in the story, that could make me believe – that Ricky is a particularly unemotional person, or unable to reveal his emotion in writing, or there's some reason he writes it in that way, as though he expects something in particular to be done with that letter, or (and I find this possibility much more likely) Ricky's true voice, his emotion, his partiality to his own life story, his dying desperation, are all still buried within the story: not so deep down that the reader can't hear them, but nevertheless muffled and undermined.

Because in general, although there may be exceptions, the human mind does not recall things in that way when under extreme duress. A computer might, but not a person. Not so linearly; chronologically; unemotionally. No signs of desperation or real emotion at all. Nothing strange. No words written so messily that those who found him couldn't read it. No thoughts related to the moment. No recollections repeating themselves. No pressing images or other sensory experiences that in themselves make up so much of our minds.

Does he not feel any sense of panic? Have any thoughts about his death? The story might get away with this were it narrated by an objective observer, but the language, the format and the way it is expressed lacks depth in a situation that could otherwise be immensely gripping and interesting to read: the perspective of someone whose luck has turned so dramatically that not only his riches but also his any chance at survival have been taken away from him.

Other things that the story made me wonder;

Why would Vinny throw him a lighter? This could reveal something interesting and unexpected about the character but as it is, seemed a little too obvious as a plot device.

The relationship between Ricky and Rosa is textbook, lifeless. It would feel more real with more description, or, not necessarily more description, but more on-point description of their particular relationship and not just a standard one that gives the plot a hand up. Also, does he not feel any anger at anyone, even himself?

Where did Ricky get the pen and paper from; does he carry them around as a matter of habit?

More pressingly, where did they get the coffin from? Did he have to be hauled back out of the grave to be forced into the coffin to be lowered in again? And would he really be lowered with any care; mightn't they just drop it in in any way?

How did they get him into the coffin without him fighting his way out before the burial? It's understandable to be defeated if you are six feet under, but if you are not yet buried fully, wouldn't you try to fight your way out? Or does Ricky not really want to fight his way out?

I believe that's just about everything. Sorry if this was a bit overly intense, but I repeat that I genuinely did enjoy the story and would love to see it improved, or to see future works of yours that will be even better, hence mentioning every thought that at all came to my mind in reading it critically. So I only hope that my review can help even if just a little bit in this. ^^ Thank you again for sharing the story, and happy writing for the future.

~Niebla

Hi XxXTheSwordsmanXxX!

Amazing story! There wasn't one part that I didn't understand. It was well-written, and had a gripping storyline.

I loved how the first sentence of the story was:
"My name is Ricco Rossetti, and I was very lucky."

and the last was:
"My name is Ricco Rossetti, and I am very unlucky."

The ending matters a lot in a story, and yours was great. It wasn't cheesy at all. Being a new user, I didn't spot many grammer or punctuation errors.

Hi! Holographic Ladybug here for a short review!

You explained Ricky's life without flaw, which was amazing. It was so fluid with a great storyline and all that. It was so perfect and I could find nothing wrong at all. Your story was so complete with great introductory bits at the beginning. Your description of his life was almost like a memoir, which made it feel so real. I especially like how you returned to the 'lucky' parts throughout.

Great work!
~Holographic Ladybug
(Fades away....)