“One week and the whole place goes to hell,” the security guard said, watching the small TV at his station. “I'm still shocked that the world's only superhero retired.”
“Can you blame him?” a man asked standing in line beside the desk. “I mean he had to save the world countless times for years. Don't you think that he would get run thin after all that? And I could only imagine how badly those tights rode up.”
“Yeah, I guess; but still, it's a little shocking. You don't hear about things like this in comic books.” The man nodded and took a step closer to the counter. Of course, the security guard would never have guessed that the man was the famed hero that was being discussed on the screen. It was true that he had given up his cape for a mild mannered life. Not for a woman, or for a greater good. He did it for the simple fact that he was tired. He was tired of having to rush around the planet, saving it from yet another destructive crisis. It didn't matter what he did or said to try to stop everything that was happening, people would always find some way of putting the world in jeopardy and he just couldn't do it anymore. Standing in line, waiting for his number to be called was a quiet relief to what his life had originally been. Sure it wasn't as glamorous and he wasn't invited to things like tea with the Queen of England or lunch with the President of the United States, but it was a good life.
Announcing his retirement on international television may not have been the wisest choice. Crime had sky rocketed in the days after his retirement and super-villains were allowed to have free reign of the city. But it didn't affect him anymore. It was miles away from him. Stepping out of the DMV with his new driver's license gave him a sense of freedom from his old mantle of responsibility. “Kevin Manning,” he chuckled to himself. It had always been a strange name for a secret identity, but it was finally his only identity. Driving his beat up car down the road to the nearest Restaurant for a celebratory lunch, he couldn't have had a care in the world.
That was until his car was flipped over by a blast that took out a small building. He crawled out of the car unscathed and looked about for the cause of the attack. Above him floated the maniac scientist that had always been at the root of every evil plot in the city. He attacked the city in a large contraption of his own design. “I'm glad to see that the cameras are all on me,” the mad scientist cried. “I will make my demands simple. I want Captain Superior to face me, so that we can finish what we started. If these demands are not met, I will destroy this city from the ground up!” He released a missile that destroyed an apartment building, rendering it to rubble. Kevin quickly tried to escort people off of the street, while the maniac began firing randomly in all directions. “Where is your hero now?! He has abandoned you!”
“Captain Superior would never abandon us!” a young voice cried. The scientist paused a moment seeing a young boy, no older than four, rush out into the middle of the street holding a small action figure of Kevin's alter ego. Kevin could see the boy's mother trying to get him to come back. “Captain Superior is a hero! Being a hero means that you never abandon those that need you. It means to never give up even when you’re tired and covered in owies! Begin a hero means standing up to bad guys like you!”
Kevin stood there in shock. This young boy had stood in front of the most feared villain in the entire city. This boy stood where he would normally be standing, between the villain and the people of the city. “If standing up to ‘bad guys’ is all that it takes to be a hero. Then you will take Captain Superior's place!” The manic launched three missiles at the boy. The boy's mother screamed in terror as she watched her son disappear in a fireball.
Smoke rose from the spot where the boy stood and everyone waited to see what would be left of the brave little boy. As the wind carried the dust away, two lone figures stood out in the smoke and dust. The boy and Captain Superior, who had protected him from the blast. The Captain turned around and smiled at the young boy. Kneeling down, he placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. “You're one brave little kid, you know that? I want to thank you. You reminded me why I do this. After all this time, I lost sight of it. But your heroism reminded me that there is more to being a hero than fighting bad guys. There's getting to meet people like you too. I'll take it from here.” Standing back up, Captain Superior strode toward the maniac.
“Hey Captain!” the boy cried. “You're the best! Go get him!”
He let a grin spread across his chiseled feature, the first real one in years. “Time to punch in,” he said as he readied to start his next day of work.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Onward we go! Here is another one where I like the story well enough, I certainly don't dislike it, but at the same time, I found it very... underwhelming. Like, I can imagine it being much cooler than it was. My comments here are twofold, one on technique, one on content.
The content one first. I'm afraid the situation is cliche. There's no two ways about it. The superhero remembering what being a hero means after seeing the heroism of the little boy standing up to the villain. Old hat. If you keep the story intact and do only line edits, there's really no avoiding this. The premise, as you have it, is an old one. If you want to go for something more unique and original, you'd have to gut the story and really stretch the imagination--probably re-plan the whole scene. Maybe re-structure how his work affects society, how his leaving affects it, what people think of him... maybe give him an unusual personality, and unusual power, and unusual culture/location in the world... For every story element, take the first thing that comes to mind and throw it out. Then throw out the second thing. Then maybe even throw out the third thing, if it seems like something a reader's likely to predict.
But if you don't mind being old hat, well, it doesn't matter too much for the sake of practicing short stories or what have you. I encourage stretching that creativity muscle as much as the technical skills, but you don't have to necessarily sharpen both on every story, I suppose.
The technique issue I had with this piece was how it seemed to gloss over a lot of stuff, especially descriptive stuff. It's not short enough to quite feel right leaving out so many details, but I agree it's definitely a tough balance. Obviously the FOCUS of the story is the characterization, and we don't want to overshadow that. I think the best thing to do is to characterize AS you do other things, like describing the scene. But for some more specifics, take this section...
Now, if this were a NOVEL, I'd spend... maybe 10+ paragraphs on that. I'd start with the feel and sounds and smells of being in the car that flipped over. I'd have him taking stock of the situation, scrabbling out from the rubble, seeing what's around him. I'd have at least a paragraph dedicated to the mad scientist and his robot, plus I'd have citizens and police officers and whatnot doing things or attempting to do things in response. I'd spend time on the imagery of the missile, the destruction, the innocents, the wounded.
In a short story... Maybe 4-6 paragraphs? Just ballparking it here, to give you a sense. I wouldn't spend AS much time on it, but I'd definitely spend more. For flash (which is what this technically is, even though it doesn't really feel like it), I'd give it 2-3. I'd go for really visceral, vivid imagery, and use that to kind of SHOCK the characterization into happening.
What I'm picturing is totally not the type of story you've written, and it might not be how you see the story at all. You could stay entirely away from the descriptions and imagery, and... well, as I try to think about alternatives, I keep thinking that in order to feel the real *human* element, we need that depth of POV. I'm not sure you CAN pull on heartstrings very effectively if the narrative keeps its distance. I'll have to think about that. It seems that you'd only end up with a morality fable, like an analytical "this is what the hero observed, and this is what the hero did," as opposed to "oh mannn whatshegonnadoooooo" or "awwww he can't have that life, that makes me really saaaaad T_T"
I did note down two other things while I was reading so I guess I'll mention those. One is that I've noticed a lack of strong POV establishment in these shorts, even though they often DO end up in third limited. I'm always a little unsure if it's actually omniscient. A lot of times you start broad and "zoom in." If we're going to be deep, it's best to establish that in paragraph 1.
The other thing I was going to complain about was how a lot of the stuff in the opening takes place... in the past. He HAD done this. He WAS like that. He HAD made this decision. None of it is in the here-and-now. It makes for a bit of an infodumpy, telly start, which you really can't afford in such short fiction. But I think the other stuff I was complaining about is more important, so I'm just going to mention it here since I noted it, and we can talk more if it comes up elsewhere.
After the "Escape" and "A Soldier`s Death" this is my third story from you that I Read/Review and I they all are great.
Saying the "World`s only superhero retired" is better the saying his name because it makes his retirement more meaningful. The dialogue is great. The description are short and they dont get in the way of story. Everything is great.
Keralix
After the "Escape" and "A Soldier`s Death" this is my third story from you that I Read/Review and I they all are great.
Saying the "World`s only superhero retired" is better the saying his name because it makes his retirement more meaningful. The dialogue is great. The description are short and they dont get in the way of story. Everything is great.
Keralix
Atsmai here on review day for a review!
First off, instead of saying the "world's only superhero retired", say his name instead? Because it would make more sense to say his name other than just calling him a superhero. This is one of those nitpicks, isn't it.
Well, this is one of those nitpicks because I really like this idea. The message is really clear and it was written for that reason. I really like that. The dialogue is also what you would find in a superhero type esque.
What else do I have to say about this? I would've liked some personal insight to see how tired he was, maybe more of a display instead of being told that he was just tired. Telling me that he was just tired doesn't leave as big as a punch as talking about how he laid in bed all day and watched the news and was reminded of the pain.
Overall, I really liked this idea, and I liked the story, so there wasn't much to nitpick.
Have a great day!
This is a great story! First of all, you put in a really great message which shows through well. Second, you describe Kevin's emotions well and his motives. However, I wish that I could get to know the character a bit better, maybe something about his past, and more on why he was so tired. Last, sometimes you use 'him' in places where I couldn't immediately tell which character you were referring to, and I had to go back a bit. Overall, though, a great idea and good message.
Really Interesting. I like it ^_^