z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I Am With You

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


(All credit for the picture goes to the artist LuLebel at DeviantArt.Com.  Please check her out.   http://lulebel.deviantart.com/ )

Oh dear one,

You have no idea how much I long to speak to you. To hold your hand so that you know that there is someone there. To wipe the tears away from your gorgeous blue eyes. But alas, the laws that bind me forbid such an interaction.

I watch as every time your heart is broken and you hide away from the world. Completely certain that you are the only one that feels this way. That there is nothing that can make the pain that aches in your chest, as if a knife were placed there to make the pain linger.

I can only whisper to you. Softly spoken words in your ear that everything will be alright. That this pain will leave and when it is over, you will be stronger. Even tonight as you left for that club, dressed in your best champagne colored dress, you were uncertain if this was such a good idea. Your friends would be there and they were supposed to watch out for you. But they never do. Only I watch over you.

None of them saw when your best friend's brother put that little drug in your drink.

But I did.

None of them noticed they way that he watched you take little slips from your glass, imagining all the things that he would do to you once he had you alone.

But I knew.

I warned you not to finish the glass. Though you had already drank some of that drug, it was not all, and that would be enough. It would be enough for the little power I had to keep you safe.

He offered to take you home, to leave you safe in your bed; but, his eyes suggested more sinister things. You agreed. Unaware of the plans that he has or the steps he has taken to ensure that he would have you alone.

But you are not alone.

You are stumbling as he helps you to your apartment, fumbling with the lock until the door opens. He helps you in, his arm around you is more than a means of keeping you upright. It's a sign that he has claimed you. You are his prey and he will have no one take you from him.

But you will not be his tonight.

He gets you to the bedroom and lays you so gently on the mattress. His eyes hungry as they roam over your body. He is already undressing you with his eyes and his hands soon follow. That is when I step between you and him.

He cannot see me. He cannot feel me. He cannot hear me.

But he can sense me.

He knows that there is something protecting you. Maybe not consciously, but he knows. His hands are froze in the air where my chest is. His plans will not come to fruition. He will not take advantage of you.

By all that I am, he will not have you.

He doesn't know why he can't do it. Everything was perfect. His drug in the glass. Your unconscious body on the bed. The solitary apartment. Why can't he do it? He turns and he leaves, never knowing the answer.

As I hear the door close and I'm sure that he is gone. I return to your side. I watch you sleep. Your face so peaceful. So content. I watch you all through the night. Hovering over you to keep the nightmares at bay. And as the sun begins to dawn, a gentle glow begins to spread through the night sky. Filling the horizon with orange and red hues.

Though I cannot touch you, there are things that I can touch. I go the garden. The flower garden that you love so much and I pluck a single red rose. Upon returning, I place it ever so gently in your hand.

I know that you will assume it was from him. A sweet token to remember him by. I know that you will have no idea of what he was so close to doing if not for me. But I don't mind. All I want is to keep you safe. To see you smile. To watch you live your life. As is the desire of all of my kind.

If I could speak to you now, as more than just a whisper, I would tell you that in those darkest moments...the light is just beyond the curtain. When the world seems like it's crashing down on you, my wings are shielding you. When you sense that something is amiss and it drives you to be more cautious, those are my words, whispering, in your ear.

There are times when you see me, from the corner of your eye. When you are certain that there is someone there; but, when you look it seems to be only a trick of the mind. That was me. Protecting you. Watching over you.

If there was one thing I could tell you, if I had one chance to say anything to you, I would say that when it feels like you are all alone and no one will come to your aid. Just remember this one thing....

I am with you...Forever


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264 Reviews


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 3:38 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



I really liked this one. I'm not sure whether I prefer it being left mysterious, or if I would have liked a more concrete answer. I've been trying to figure out whether the narrator is a metaphor for something, or an ACTUAL ghost. But of course he endeared me to him because of how he protected her. And not just a nebulous, vague sort of thing--he genuinely stopped her from getting date raped.

The picture made me assume it was a man, but now that I think about it, I think it would be sweet if it were a woman. I don't think it's ever specified.

The opening could maybe be pared down. This paragraph, for example...

I watch as every time your heart is broken and you hide away from the world. Completely certain that you are the only one that feels this way. That there is nothing that can make the pain that aches in your chest, as if a knife were placed there to make the pain linger.


It felt a bit too tropey for my taste. It's waaaay less interesting than the next paragraph, where suddenly things get real, and tangible, because something was slipped into a drink. I'd try to get us to that tension asap, and avoid the melodramatic romanticism, considering it only plays a small role there, and "tells" what you can "show" easily through the rest of the story.






Actually there are some small hints as to what the narrator is. It's a guardian angel. You really see that in one of the last paragraphs.

"When the world seems like it's crashing down on you, my wings are shielding you."

It isn't much, but I thought it was a big acknowledgment of an angel. Either way...Thank you for your review.



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27 Reviews


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Sun Jul 10, 2016 4:55 am
MandlynProductions wrote a review...



Honestly, I am awestruck, here are several reasons why.
For one, the flow seems to be near perfect, no English errors present.
For two, the story never gets boring, something that a abnormally large number of authors, aspiring or publishing, seem to do.
For three, all of the details in this story go perfectly together and the flow makes a harmony that most can't rival.
But, there is one error in this story.
The last line seems completely unnecessary, the I am with you forever part seems to be good enough as it is.
Overall, this is a very good story and you did a exceptional job.
10-4 Mandlyn productions.




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82 Reviews


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Thu Jul 07, 2016 1:32 am
Eternity wrote a review...



Hey, mate. Eternity here to review this lovely piece.

I really enjoyed reading this and it was honestly one of the best works I've read in a while. I'm speechless, actually.

I really like your sentence structure and tone to this work because there's something about it that makes me really think. It drifts nicely and yet again, this is a work that has caught my attention. I'm really happy I found this because I was simply searching for something to read and I was like, "This looks interesting."

I like the concept behind it too. You have written about something very deep here.

My only suggestion is here:
He get you to the bedroom and lays you so gently on the mattress.

I'm not sure what you meant. Most likely something along the lines of "He's gotten you to the bedroom..."

or something like that, but that's really the only thing I've spotted.

Well done writing, and have a nice day.

-Moves to next one-




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Wed Jul 06, 2016 5:46 am
Caiti97 wrote a review...



Hi!

This piece was really amazing. I love the way you immediately establish the strong, likable qualities of the guardian angel. This is one of the best examples of showing and not telling that I've seen. I like the plot and even though the story is short, it flows evenly and smoothly and comes full circle. My only suggestions are about a few mechanics :)

This paragraph: "I watch as every time your heart is broken and you hide away from the world. Completely certain that you are the only one that feels this way. That there is nothing that can make the pain that aches in your chest, as if a knife were placed there to make the pain linger." Makes perfect sense once I read it over a few times, but the first time, I was confused about the last fragment. I use sentence fragments all the time and think they're one of the most powerful tools to convey mood, but the third sentence would probably make more sense if attached to the second like: "Completely certain that you are the only one that feels this way, that there is nothing that can ..."

I love the structure and the tone behind the fragments interspersed between the paragraphs. They really help develop the steady yet intense thoughts of the guardian angel.

I think the sentence "That is why I warned you not to finish the glass" would be more powerful if it were simply "I warned you not to finish the glass" because the reader already assumes the drugs are the only reason the angel would warn the character against taking the drink.

With these sentences: "He offered to take you home, to leave you safe in your bed; but, his eyes suggested more sinister things. You agree." I would replace the semi colon with a comma and remove the comma after the but, because the second part of the sentence flows smoothly along with the first and doesn't present an entirely different idea. Also, the rest of the story is is past tense and "agree" is in present tense.

Other than that I loved this piece, it was very well done and intriguing.

-Caiti




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Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:01 am
Melmo wrote a review...



Hello there! I’ve gotta say, this was really good!
It was well written and really showed details in a smooth and intriguing way. It was to the point where, not only did I gasp out loud when I got to the lines “None of them saw when your best friend’s brother put that little drug in your drink”, but I also couldn’t help but root for this protective angel. You smoothly transitioned into giving us details about the situation without specifically telling us that she was drugged and almost raped.
The way you give the characters rules makes it even more endearing, because we aren’t given everything we wish for, and neither are the characters. (Because he's an angel, he can't really interact with the girl like he would like). It just added a bit more depth to the story, really. All in all, it was really sweet and even a bit heartwarming. I really enjoyed it. And since I didn’t really find many—if any—grammar mistakes or anything, I bid you adieu :)!






Thank you for taking the time to review. It took me a while to get a message to the artist but after they agreed to this I was so happy with how it turned out. I spent a long time trying to thing about how I was going to tell the story and believe it or not I was not going to do this as a letter like I did. I was planning a third person story, but when I got to it, this made more sense.
I really just tried to think about what I would say to someone if I couldn't talk, touch, or interact with them in anyway and let that drive the story. I am so glad that you enjoyed it.



Melmo says...


My pleasure! I'm glad it all worked out in the end with the artist then, it ended up coming out really well. And it's interesting how the least expected ended up being he best route; it's cool!
That's a really good way to go about it, I should try doing that myself.




*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz