Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Dead! You can't be serious? How can I be dead. Wait, but if I'm dead how come I'm still thinking. Surly dead people couldn't think because then the wouldn't be dead, right? Man when did my life turned upside down. I mean only the other day I was dealing with your average teenage life, hanging with friends, thinking of ways to get out of doing my homework. But just this evening I was being pulled out of a coffin by a coco skin women called Zaphirna who told me that I was the technically dead. How could you be technically dead? Either your dead or alive. She wasn't very talkative about what had happen and what was happening for a mater of fact. But she had assured me that everything would be explained when we reached this place called The Cytadell. What in the world is The Cytadell and who the hell where these people who had come along and dug me out of my grave. And another thing, how did they know that I was just 'technically dead' and not completely dead. Hopefully somebody will explain this to me soon or I think I'm going to lose my mind.
Welll..this is something. On one hand, it feels a teeny bit like a rehash of a whole slew of very similar stories out there, almost like you've taken a bit of a template and filled it in withs slightly different ideas..but then, it is still a pretty intriguing style here. I like the sort of atmosphere you attempt to create here and while it is not the most unique, this is a fun idea here. At any rate, the sort of tone you strike with this protagonist is also interesting and a touch more unique, so on the whole, I think a fairly solid opening here.
So here I am now, sat in the back of a big Mercedes-Benz which to honest was travelling way faster than the speed limit. We must be going at least seventy, maybe even eighty miles an hour in a built up area. I guess this is what it must feel like to be on the Knight bus from Harry Potter, only I'm in a car, not a bus and there is definitely nothing magical about it. Or at least I don't think there is, as at the moment I'm not too sure about anything as apparently I'm supposed to be dead. So I'm currently in a state of confusion as I sit here being whizzed around though town not knowing really where I am going except that the placed we are headed for is called The Cytadell. Peering out the window everything is a blur, rushing past me without a second look. It's like nobody could see the car storming down the street, as if we aren't even here, like we don't even exist. It is a if we're ghost, nobodies, just passing by invisible to the human eye.
Ooooh these are some fun details being tossed out here. I think you're doing a pretty solid job of making things interesting here. As reader's we're certainly very intrigued to see what could possibly be going down here. Its certainly interesting bit of worldbuilding and now that we're seeing more there's a bit more uniqueness coming through and it does seem like you've built up a sizeable world here. Overall, not a bad opening here, I think you've done a fairly solid job.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
Donate