When God Comes In

hey, Jojo! XD =)) Saw this at the GHMF page. =)) Sooo...here I am.

Okay, I'm now on with the review. I just find this a bit cliche:

"Just swallow these pills and it's all over...

The pills thingy...try to show the suicidal thingy in a different way, I know you can do that.

And this was a bit distracting:

---sound interrupts sorrow---

I hope you can just replace that with a real line or a stanza; but keep it if you really want to. XD

This:

I've known you forever and love you.

Can be:

I've forever known and loved you.

Oh, oh! I love this line!

I'm all that will be and has been."

This:

Your mind reals- this voice sounds familiar...

Can be:

Your mind reals--this voice sounds familiar...

It continue--"I know all the sickness you've suffered,

The em dash could be a semicolon, too...but to be consistent, well, just leave it be. XD

"Then how come you let me?!" you yell back

Let's keep it in present tense. I just feel it has more impact with the present tense. =)) So edit the verbs and keep it in present tense.

"I created you with the power of choice-," they said finally
"-to accept, to run away, and to roam.

THEY?! O_o

Your knees give away to who what? stands there,
Was it money, lust, or strife that drew you apart?
Your heavenly Father stretches forth his hand,
"All i ask for is the key to your heart,"

See it's better in present tense.

~~

First, about the spill: why not intentionally try to convert someone?! O_o after all that's why we're here, right? To be instruments by God. Anyy, don't be shy, it's really okay...you've said what you felt when God entered your life. (I'm really taking this as something you've been through. x3 )
So it's just right to give away your testimony; it's for the lost. And by the way, it's a good thing it's not preachy. ;}
But sometimes, we could be so emotional, right? And if you're a Bible believer, well, that's not what life in God is about.

I'm sorry to strike you, but when doing a poem like this, be sure you're familiar with God's real voice--the Bible. I do not find any faulty faults with this, it's just don't be too emotional. Don't drag the lost into confusion that life in God is emotional, because it's not. And it's not rationalistic either. What you have to point out here is FAITH--the real message of the Bible is what?

WHAT CHRIST HAS DONE ON THE CROSS.

Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. (just like my mini line under me avatar. )

It should always round in that theme. Just don't forget, okay?

Don't get me wrong, Jojo...This is a good piece, okay? =) honest. But I believe if this is meant to show what happens when God comes in, well...TELL THEM! Take the guts, girl! It's all about what Christ has done on the Cross: He died and now lives, overcame SIN for you and me.

Oh, wait. is this for testimony for fellow believers? =)) I'm confusing you sarreh. XD

I won't make this review any much longer than it is (it already amuses me how long it is) just keep that in mind, eh? PM me for more questions. Or post on my wall. I'd be happy to do a review for you again. I always linger at the God Has More Followers Page by the way. =)) just shout 'JAAAAASH' haha. =))

Okay, I'm done. MAY GOD BLESS YOU WITH MORE WISDOM AND GO CONTINUE SHARING THE LIFE IN CHRIST. =))

~~ Jash ♥♥♥